the unspeakable

sarha81 · #1 December 28th, 2010, 04:48 PM

Why is it that talking about a miscarriage is so difficult? I felt like I didn't want anyone to know, that it was a secret.

I realize, at first, I didn't want reminders of it, so I kept it hush. But now why is it still hard to tell my sister in laws about how I feel? or my mother? or my best friends?

Did you tell people, did you announce it on FB, did you let family spread your news? Have you opened up about it with friends? Have you had heart-to-heart talks with other M/S sufferers in person?

Why do you think it's a hard thing to admit to?

j&jmom · #2 December 28th, 2010, 06:22 PM

I'm not sure . . . I guess there is a part of me that still thinks I did something wrong and I could have somehow prevented it. There is another part of me that just wants to pretend it never happened and there is a third part of me that thinks that my family doesn't really understand how I feel so I don't like talking about it with them and of course thinking about it makes me sad.
I hadn't told everyone in my family . . . only my mom, but I'm pretty sure she got the word out. That is how things go in my family. I told everyone at work because I missed several days in a row, something that was unusual for me and they were all worried when I came back. However, I somewhat regretted that decision because it was awkward at times. . . like they tiptoed around me careful not to talk about who was pg or how cute so-and-so's baby was. . .
I hadn't announced I was pg so I didn't have to tell too many people . . . I'm not ashamed to admit I had a mc . . . I think it just makes other people sad and uncomfortable like me and I don't want to talk about it to them because of that, I guess.

missy123 · #3 December 28th, 2010, 07:36 PM

I openly speak about my losses. It is not a topic that I sit around the dinner table and talk about it (mostly because no one understands unless you have been through it) but I am not ashamed to speak of my angels.

Brittanie · #4 December 28th, 2010, 08:41 PM

It's a little different for me since my loss was full term, so obviously everyone knew I was pregnant and we obviously had to tell everyone our baby died.

For me, it's the fact that I hate having people look away and change the subject when Cora comes up. Like she's something horrible that shouldn't be spoken of. Like I've got some sort of terrible disease and need to be separated from the general population or they might get it.

I love talking about Cora, but only to those people who will respect her as my child and not like something disgusting/horrifying.

purplelady · #5 December 28th, 2010, 10:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by missy123

I openly speak about my losses. It is not a topic that I sit around the dinner table and talk about it (mostly because no one understands unless you have been through it) but I am not ashamed to speak of my angels.

i talk with my best friend and her girlfriend about it often. my bf and her girlfriend where with me when it started. my bf's girlfriend laid in bed with me and rubbed my back for me, she has been a wonderful support person to me through all of this. i have been fortunate to have such an open support system. my hubby was dealing with it in his own way (by keeping busy), but we openly talk about it often now. this site has been very helpful as well

, so many understanding wonderful women that fully understand the pain. thanks ladies!

NsMommy · #6 December 29th, 2010, 06:08 AM

I was just thinking this today. I want to tell people to help me deal with two losses in a row. I have only told one friend, my two sisters, hubby, and my boss (for leave purposes if I need to get to the doctor this week).

I'm back at work and I am so tempted to tell someone else. I was also considering posting it on FB. But if I did that, then I feel like it would seem like I was just posting for pity.

Not sure why but I feel like it should be quiet too.

Shadeauxe · #7 December 29th, 2010, 06:21 AM

I posted my story on Facebook. I did it that way so I wouldn't have to have the discussion a million times. Also, I wanted to help dispel some of the taboo of talking about it. I have changed the status of it to public if anyone wants to read it.

I was inspired to post my story by an article I read about Lisa Ling creating a website for people to share their stories after she had a miscarriage a few months ago.

.:Shortcake:. · #8 December 29th, 2010, 07:33 AM

At first I did not want to talk about it at all... for me it wasn't real if I didn't talk about it. But holding it all inside was slowly killing me. I started talking about it more and now I talk about all 7 of my precious angels. I want people to realize that even though my angels aren't here with me I'm still a mother. I hate when people act like my babies weren't "real". I know now that I'm glad that I open up and talk about it. I have had several people talk to me once I opened up and they explained they have had losses but no one to talk to.

luvmykids623 · #9 December 29th, 2010, 07:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by missy123

I openly speak about my losses. It is not a topic that I sit around the dinner table and talk about it (mostly because no one understands unless you have been through it) but I am not ashamed to speak of my angels.

After my first loss there were so many people who shared that they had a m/c too. I was amazed how many there were. I had been going to my primary's office from the time I was 4, and over half of his female staff (most in their 50's) had a story to share with me. Many of them told me that they had never spoken of their angels, because it just wasn't something you were supposed to do. That made me so sad, and I promised my baby that I would never do that. I will speak openly to anyone who wants to hear, and anyone who doesn't. (It's not like I just start talking about it out of the blue, but if the opening presents itself I will share.) These 3 angels are my children too. It's not their fault that they are not here, and it's not mine, but I will not hide them. I will remember their short lives and scream from the rooftops that they exist and they matter. I honestly don't care who is made uncomfortable by that. M/c, stillbirth, and infant loss is not something that should be taboo. I've been told by many that I've become quite the advocate for women who've lost their LOs, and that makes me feel good. These LOs should be remembered, and no one who has lost their baby should be made to feel like a leper.

martilynne · #10 December 29th, 2010, 10:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by missy123

I openly speak about my losses. It is not a topic that I sit around the dinner table and talk about it (mostly because no one understands unless you have been through it) but I am not ashamed to speak of my angels.

That is exactly how I see it. I will really open up about my losses especially when I'm asked about them.