[momof6lopez]

These are some of the thoughts I have been having lately......this is not ment for everyone here, but more for the women who have m/c only.

Im a recent grad, had my rainbow baby on 9/3/10. After three losses back to back and being told I would never conceive a healthy baby again. But this post is not about my journey to have Mia, more my thoughts on everything surrounding her very beginning and finally understanding them (I think).

I was done having children after my dd who is now 8yrs old. I re-married a few years ago, to the most wonderful man in the world. We initially were so happy just the "two" of us (along with our 6 kids from previous marriages) but found our selves wanting to create something special out of our love......

So this is where the idea of Mia festered.......I mean, like a wild roller coaster....After my chemical in Jan of 2009 I was on a mission. After my loss in April 2009 (finding out it was a girl and seeing her sweet little h/b) the journey became something more. I was loosing what I felt was the sole reason for me being on this earth....my fertility. Fertility was the only thing in my life up until this point that was constant. Having baby's defined me as a woman. My god given right to bring life into this world. After loosing the baby in April, I became obsessed in ttc. Got pregnant in late August only to loose that one to an ectopic in early Sept, 2009. Went to see an RE who discovered my eggs were damaged from previous cancer treatments......let go of the idea of having a baby finally.......but this is different than just saying Im done with having baby's. My hope was gone, I felt gutted, lost......not even like a woman any more. Everyone around me kept saying "Your too old, you have 4 beautiful children, just let it go......". But its not about how many children you have, how healthy they are, how beautiful and grateful you are for them.

It was not even the purpose anymore of having a baby........my journey took on a different meaning. I was to have my IUD put back in Jan 4, 2010, but instead I got a bfp in Dec 2009. What a roller coaster of emotions this brought to me.......worst anxiety felt pregnancy I have ever lived, all the way to the end. But I made it, Mia was born and I could breathe again......but now where does this leave me????? I dont want any more children. I dont want to go through ttc ever again. But this nagging feeling in the pit of my gut....what is it?

It was never just about having a baby for me. It was proving that Im still a woman.......Im still fertile, I still have control over creating life. I guess after breast cancer I needed that feeling. I just never knew it would fester the way it did. Those feelings of creating life are still there for me, I have to learn to nurture them in a different way now I guess...Its our human, animal nature as women to want to bring life into this world, its how God made us. But what do we do when its past our time? When we have gone through menapause, or just mentally decided we are done? Its not about how many children I have, how lucky I am, my age, my health.......wanting to bring life into this world is our core biological , built in mechinisim (msp) that God gave us when we were born. But he gave us this feeling for life. Surely he must of given us the strength to know when its done??????? Or will this feeling ever go away? Will I feel this way when Im 80?

Loosing baby's (at least 7 over my life time) was more for me the feeling of being defeated......not just loosing my children. Loosing that grip, that control over my god given right. When I went on to have a healthy baby in between all of those losses, my control was renewed. I was defined again.

Just some rambelings I thought I would share......its been an interesting journey, and I have learned more about me as a woman, a human, a mother in these last few years than I ever did over 40yrs........

[Im.Nayomi]

Your story has inspired me to be more positive & to be patient.
Thanks for sharing.

[Brittanie]

I've tried to explain to many people that Cora's death was more than just the loss of a child. It was a catastrophic failure in my function as a woman. It tore at my image of my worth as a woman. I do think that that's part of this that we don't talk about much, especially with our cultural stress that a woman's worth is not defined by her ability to procreate. And it's not, really, but our ability to carry and nurture a child is what separates women from men. It's part of our essential nature. And to have a baby die is like failing to be a real woman. Realizing that has really helped me learn to accept Cora's death and come to terms with the woman I am now.

[momof6lopez]

Brittanie, you summarized what I was trying to say. Thank you! I think alot of us feel this but just cant figure it out.......maybe I finally did because I did go on to have my rainbow baby.....I wish I could of put a finger on it when I was ttc though, it may of made things easier.....

[MeganMomof5]

Thanks for sharing Lori! I've struggled with those feelings too...after being fertile, never having problems getting pregnant and staying pregnant, then having so many losses in a row, has been really hard...I struggle with the feelings of losing my fertility.

[luvmykids623]

Thank you for putting it so perfectly. I struggle with these feelings often. When I got pregnant for the first time my doctor at the time called me to tell me that my numbers weren't rising appropriately and it wasn't a viable pregnancy. I remember as clearly as if it were yesterday the feeling I had when I realized that I was going to have to tell DH that the precious life we had made plans for wasn't ever going to be. I felt that I had failed our baby and him. I've had that feeling with each of our subsequent losses and now as we are ttc. I mean all you have to do is turn on the TV and watch 16 and pregnant to see how easy it is to get and stay pregnant, right?? and I couldn't/can't even do that! Your words, and Brittanie's words are so true!

[Brittanie]

Originally Posted by luvmykids623

I mean all you have to do is turn on the TV and watch 16 and pregnant to see how easy it is to get and stay pregnant, right?? and I couldn'/can't even do that!

I remember being told by a health teacher in high school "Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and then you'll have to take care of a kid for 18 years of your life."

We get messages like that from everywhere all our lives.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Lori I couldn't have put it better. You sum up EXACTLY how I feel!

[RinkMom]

I am lurking because I am one of those whose future fertility was robbed after my losses this year and am no longer TTCAL. You have summed up my feelings very accurately. Thanks for posting.

[Celena]

Lori, so beautiful... That is amazing sharing of emotions, thoughts and feelings.

I have to say that the day I found out my left tube was gone, blocked, no good... I definitely felt like my womanhood was half ripped away. You said it. That's an amazing amazing truth right there you shared!

U

[momof6lopez]

Originally Posted by soon2B5

I am lurking because I am one of those whose future fertility was robbed after my losses this year and am no longer TTCAL. You have summed up my feelings very accurately. Thanks for posting.

Im so sorry for your losses.......and it sounds like your losses have caused you to loose your fertility, if I read that correctly. This must be a very hard subject for you hear/write about, and for that your comment is most appreciated. Maybe you could enlighten some of the women here, including myself, on how your dealing with the cards you have been dealt. Im interested in how women like yourself deal with the possiblity of never having another child when they tried like you have.......if your not uncomfortable that is. Thanks again for posting and sharing....

[Kary♥RN]

Originally Posted by momof5lopez

Brittanie, you summarized what I was trying to say. Thank you! I think alot of us feel this but just cant figure it out.......maybe I finally did because I did go on to have my rainbow baby.....I wish I could of put a finger on it when I was ttc though, it may of made things easier.....

I don't think we are supposed to put our finger on it while we are TTCAL.. I look back on the 22 months, and the feelings, the anger, hurt, sadness, feeling of failure, helpless-ness, depression, anger, feeling of ripped off, jelousy, confusion, did I say anger? Are all things we had to feel to get to the understanding of when you hold that rainbow baby.

I still cry when I hold my girls or look at them, I long for every woman on this board to feel this. After loss, I don't know nor can I explain the feeling when you get to hold your rainbow baby.... it is overwhelming. And I think all these feelings come and hit you like an explosion.

[missy123]

Thank you for getting into my head and writing what I am feeling right now. Helps to know I am not completely crazy. I feel inadequate, and a complete failure as a woman as well as a new wife. I feel that my husband should divorce me and find someone he can have babies with. He is a great guy and deserves a biological child. He doesn't understand...

[RinkMom]

Originally Posted by momof5lopez

Im so sorry for your losses.......and it sounds like your losses have caused you to loose your fertility, if I read that correctly. This must be a very hard subject for you hear/write about, and for that your comment is most appreciated. Maybe you could enlighten some of the women here, including myself, on how your dealing with the cards you have been dealt. Im interested in how women like yourself deal with the possiblity of never having another child when they tried like you have.......if your not uncomfortable that is. Thanks again for posting and sharing....

Sorry but my comment may have come out wrong. I hope I haven't offended anybody. I will be 40 this year and the doctors refuse to do any testing due to my age.

Because DH and I have had 4 successful pregnancies together prior to my recent two losses,doctors are making the assumption that our losses are due to chromosomal issues due to age and recommending that we stop. All 3 of my losses have been in the early 2nd tri (14, 15, 16 weeks) with baby still being alive at 13 week ultrasounds. IPS testing on each baby came back with high probability of chromosomal issues (the first one was very high fit Trisomy 18, the second two downs).

The two High Risk OBs that we have seen since our most recent loss pretty much say the same thing. While I should be able to get pregnant, the odds are that the same thing will happen again.

I am still in so much emotional pain from my losses that I can not go thru it again. So we have made a choice to stop TTC. I am not coping well with the decision at all but am trying to think it is best for my family. I miss my babies very much and can't look at pregnant women, dread the thought of some of the women in my circle announcing their pregnancies because I do not know how I will deal with it. I also feel guilty for feeling this way since I am lucky to have had 4 children while others are trying to have one.

Once again, sorry if I offended anyone, but to me it feels as though my fertility is robbed because my body has decided not to make healthy babies. (And now I am a mess from writing this).

[momof6lopez]

Originally Posted by soon2B5

Sorry but my comment may have come out wrong. I hope I haven't offended anybody. I will be 40 this year and the doctors refuse to do any testing due to my age.

Because DH and I have had 4 successful pregnancies together prior to my recent two losses,doctors are making the assumption that our losses are due to chromosomal issues due to age and recommending that we stop. All 3 of my losses have been in the early 2nd tri (14, 15, 16 weeks) with baby still being alive at 13 week ultrasounds. IPS testing on each baby came back with high probability of chromosomal issues (the first one was very high fit Trisomy 18, the second two downs).

The two High Risk OBs that we have seen since our most recent loss pretty much say the same thing. While I should be able to get pregnant, the odds are that the same thing will happen again.

I am still in so much emotional pain from my losses that I can not go thru it again. So we have made a choice to stop TTC. I am not coping well with the decision at all but am trying to think it is best for my family. I miss my babies very much and can't look at pregnant women, dread the thought of some of the women in my circle announcing their pregnancies because I do not know how I will deal with it. I also feel guilty for feeling this way since I am lucky to have had 4 children while others are trying to have one.

Once again, sorry if I offended anyone, but to me it feels as though my fertility is robbed because my body has decided not to make healthy babies. (And now I am a mess from writing this).

Iam so sorry for all that you have been through......your not alone. I also just turned 40 in December, and have had 4 healthy pregnancies up until 2009, then of course Mia in 2010. I was told to stop trying as well, my RE said if I was his wife, he would never let me go through this again. It is so hard to hear those words, hardest words I ever had to hear. But he did tell me that I could get pregnant, just probably would end in miscarriage. When I did get pregnant with Mia, he told me it was nothing short of luck........he said that I would propably miscarry 9 out of 10 pregnancies. I new the risk, and certainly did not want 10 miscarriages, thats why I had decided to stop as well. Mentally, I could not cope with it. Who can, right??? I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, something to ease your heart, but I dont....But I can say, your not alone in this, there are other women right here in this board who are being dealt the same hand as you and we know your pain. Thank you for sharing something so difficult and personal.....Im sorry it caused you pain to type this, and I pray you find comfort in knowing that you and your angels are in my thoughts and prayers.

[missy123]

Originally Posted by soon2B5

I am still in so much emotional pain from my losses that I can not go thru it again. So we have made a choice to stop TTC. I am not coping well with the decision at all but am trying to think it is best for my family. I miss my babies very much and can't look at pregnant women, dread the thought of some of the women in my circle announcing their pregnancies because I do not know how I will deal with it. I also feel guilty for feeling this way since I am lucky to have had 4 children while others are trying to have one.

Once again, sorry if I offended anyone, but to me it feels as though my fertility is robbed because my body has decided not to make healthy babies. (And now I am a mess from writing this).

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!

But I don't understand why they won't do any testing for you. It is your body and right to know, yes? That part confuses me.

My RE is willing to do any testing I want done and I am almost 42.

((Hugs)) You are not alone and I completely understand what you are thinking and going through.

[RinkMom]

Thanks ladies. I feel like I have hijacked this thread. I haven't really posted here since August but hang out at the RPL board.

They won't do any testing because of the fact that I have already had the four successful pregnancies with DH. According to the Dr, this rules out clotting factors or a genetic condition. Add in the fact that the IPS results point to chromosomal conditions, they don't see the need for further testing.

The only thing the Dr would do if we were to TTC again would be an U/S to make sure the uterus hasn't been affected by the last D&C.

I did have a saline injected hystogram done before my last pregnancy to see if my fibroids are affecting implantation but they are not.

Three strikes and I am out. My heart bleeds for you ladies who have been through this so many more times than me. You are stronger than I am.

Hugs.

Although I know it means other people are suffering too, it is comforting to know I am not alone. My IRL friends do not understand at all.