[Celena]

AND have a healthy Rainbow baby?

I'm so ******* sick of this journey which is why I'm pretty thru with trying, I say that now and there's no set in stone future for us... but never have I felt so defeated when I've tried to be so optimistic.

April 1st will be THREE ****** years... sorry for being selfish and oh woah is me. I'm kinda pissed

[ohnicole]

Awww, hun I don't know how you could not feel that way right now. I'd probably be punching holes in the walls and screaming. It's just not fair... and I HATE that we can't know if all this struggle and heartache is going to be worth it in the end. The whole thing just SUCKS, and I so wish you weren't here! You deserve so much better than this ******* journey.

Even though we can't know how it will all turn out, I believe you will get your little one, Celena Someone so kind and generous and *special* can't possibly end up without a precious rainbow baby in her arms at the end of all this crap. Love you tons!

[j&jmom]

HUGS! I don't think you are being selfish at all. This does SUCK! . . . I work with teenagers and when I hear that one of them is accidentally pregnant . . . or see how they aren't able to raise their child in the best situations, I think about all the ladies here who want a baby desperately and would provide a safe and loving home and think, this is soooo UNFAIR. . . . I've got to believe though, that eventually things will work out . . . just maybe not like we always envisioned. I REALLY hope things work out for you!

[Kary♥RN]

HUGS.. I am not going to say all the things I want to say to try and lift you up... you have heard it countless times before.... it is ok to be angry. Bitter. Hurt. Pissed. Sick and tired. When you need to scream call me. I know were you are... I know the darkness... I will be your light when you are ready. HUGS love you. Xoxoxoxo

[MeganMomof5]

Celena, i'm so sad for you right now ...I wish I could do or say something to help...I think that you will get your rainbow baby, I just have a deep gut feeling about it...I know that after my last loss I felt the same way...I hope in time that your heart will heal and you go on to have your rainbow baby that I know your going to have (((hugs))) (I wish I could give you a hug in person)

[Celena]

But why when I got out of the darkness and started going to the light, feeling closer and closer to healing, peaceful and genuinely happy... then I'm knocked on my *** again. Altho I'm not sure that I'll be swallowed into that deepest darkness... don't think it'll come to that.

I'm feeling hateful as hell, Nicole that's exactly what I want to do be destructive not constructive... don't want to channel my energy into a more useful way, but go ape**** dying my hair purple, getting more tattoos, more piercings and smashing lots of glass objects hurling them at a brick wall screaming obsenities while I listen to industrial hardcore music.

****!

Thank you... sorry to be so ugly.

[momof6lopez]

Gosh Celena, I so desperately would love to answer this one......all I can do is pray that sometime in your near, very near, future you get this beautiful rainbow baby that you SO DESERVE. I find myself questioning my beliefs over this last week between you and Missy.......I never thought Santa would take away your special gifts..... Im just as pissed as you (almost anyway) I just want all this sadness to go away on this board already, enough is enough...

[ohnicole]

Celena, you're not being ugly... what's happened is ugly Why not break some ****? Go to the dollar store or a garage sale, buy some plates and glasses and smash them to pieces. What you described sounds so cathartic!

[Halfbaked]

Nothing I can say. Just know that I cry for you.

[Jessica121706]

((hugs)) btw your not sounding ugly, that is how i felt after i found out about my babies health also i think we all have been to that dark place at sometime

[dreamer10]

You go for it Celena....take all the positive time and energy that was ripped away from you with this baby and make something of it! Cry, scream, swear, allow your mind to hurt, allow your soul to feel your loss in real terms. Don't apologize to anyone and don't try to cover it up with sweet musings and positive attitude...let your mind and heart cry and hurt the way it needs to.

Know I am so sorry and I am crying with you. Love you.

[StaceygirlPa]

Celena, I don't have much more to say then what has been said already. Please know that all of us are here for you. I like the idea about buying some cheap plates and glasses and just smashing them against a wall.

Please know that I am crying with you and I wish I could give you a hug in person.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Celena I want to tell you that I know exactly where your coming from, and in a way I do. But we all have our different background stories. I love you and you know that. I pray every night that you get your Rainbow baby. I truly hate seeing you have to go through this pain. It's not fair in the least. I wish I could take all the pain away from you. Your allowed to cry, rant, scream, do anything that helps ease the pain or numb it. Let yourself grieve and take the time to heal. We are all here for you hun. I know when the darkness rolls in sometimes it is hard to shake. Dye your hair purple, get more piercings & tattoos just let yourself be free and do things to make yourself happy during this time. Love you lady and I'm here anytime day or night.

[LindseyE117]

Definately go and break something. Scream at the top of your lungs, punch something, do what you need to do to feel better. My hubby and I have also been trying for almost 3 years, so I feel you. You do what you need to do to feel better.

[ashj_1218]

I think you WILL have your rainbow baby. But I don't have all the answers...I just have probability and the sense that you are a stubborn young lady That tells me that you will have your rainbow baby, out of sheer will and never giving up.

But right now...you are in that miserable place that most of us have been in (in some sense or another). After my fourth loss in a row...I was PISSED. Like break-things, put-my-hand-thru-a-wall, scream as loud as I could PISSED. And I did those things (DH did not even bat an eye repairing the door I smashed through). But it actually did not help at all. Because what I really wanted was answers, hope, and something to keep me going.

What ended up helping was talking on here, about how hopeless I was. Telling my counselor how much life sucked right then. And talking about how I am so incredibly jealous of pregnant women that I wanted to scream. And in a time, that helped. And now I feel hopeful again.

Give yourself some time Celena. And go get another tattoo..what is that gonna hurt

[SillyKitty]

Celena, I totally understand your anger. I was especially pissed on Tuesday (the day after I miscarried) to the point that I felt so angry, I didn't even know what I was angry at.

[mom2moose]

It's a crappy journey, isn't it?? Took me EIGHT YEARS to get my baby! I thank God for her everyday, and am grateful for her in ways that most women aren't. Sometimes, things just come so hard. You're not ugly, or hateful, you are HUMAN! I am SO sorry that this is happening. Prayers to you and your husband!!

[mmllhh]

Celena, this sucks, and absolutely is not fair. It tests your faith in whatever you believe in. Just know that we are all here for you. Even if you are having a mean angry day, say it here. we get it. we know it. and we all can be your support.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this again. Did your doctor say anything about further testing for you?

[MamaRN]

((HUGS)) Whatever you need to say or do, we are here for you.

[*SamF*]

Your not being hateful or ugly you are being human.
I agree go get some cheap plates or glasses or anything you can smash or get something and beat the living crap out of it with a hammer.