[mmllhh]

I found this on line and thought I'd share.

"THE TRUTH IS..."
The truth ISN'T that you will feel "all better" in a couple of days, or weeks, or even months.


The truth IS that the days will be filled with an unending ache and the nights will feel one million sad years long for a while. Healing is attained only after the slow necessary progression through the stages of grief and mourning.

The truth isn't that a new pregnancy will help you forget.

The truth is that, while thoughts of a new pregnancy soon may provide hope, a lost infant deserves to be mourned just as you would have with anyone you loved. Grieving takes a lot of energy and can be both emotionally and physically draining. This could have an impact upon your health during another pregnancy. While the decision to try again is a very individualized one, being pregnant while still actively grieving is very difficult.

The truth isn't that pills or alcohol will dull the pain.

The truth is that they will merely postpone the reality you must eventually face in order to begin healing. However, if Your doctor feels that medication is necessary to help maintain your health, use it intelligently and according to his/her instructions.
The truth isn't that once this is over your life will be the same.

The truth is that your upside-down world will slowly settle down, hopefully leaving you a more sensitive, compassionate person, better prepared to handle the hard times that everyone must deal with sooner or later. When you consider that you have just experienced one of the worst things that can happen to a family, as you heal you will become aware of how strong you are.

The truth isn't that grieving is morbid, or a sign of weakness or mental instability.

The truth is that grieving is work that must be done. Now is the appropriate time. Allow yourself the time. Feel it, flow with it. Try not to fight it too often. It will get easier if you expect that it is variable, that some days are better than others. Be patient with yourself. There are no short cuts to healing. The active grieving will be over when all the work is done.

The truth isn't that grief is all-consuming.

The truth is that in the midst of the most agonizing time of your life, there will be laughter. Don't feel guilty. Laugh if you want to. Just as you must allow yourself the time to grieve, you must also allow yourself the time to laugh.Viewing laughter as part of the healing process, just as overwhelming sadness is now, will make the pain more bearable.
The truth isn't that one person can bear this alone.

The truth is that while only you can make the choices necessary to return to the mainstream of life a healed person, others in your life are also grieving and are feeling very helpless. As unfair as it may seem, the burden of remaining in contact with family and friends often falls on you. They are afraid to "butt in," or they may be fearful of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes them feel even more helpless. They need to be told honestly what they can do to help. They don't need to be told, "I'm doing fine" when you're really NOT doing fine. By allowing others to share in your pain and assist you with your needs, you will be comforted and they will feel less helpless.

The truth isn't that God must be punishing you for something.

The truth is that sometimes these things just happen. They have happened to many people before you, and they will happen to many people after you. This was not an act of any God; it was an act of Nature. It isn't fair to blame God, or yourself, or anyone else. Try to understand that it is human nature to look for a place to put the blame, especially when there are so few answers to the question, "Why?" Sometimes there are answers. Most times there are not. Believing that you are being punished will only get in the way of your healing.
The truth isn't that you will be unable to make any choices or decisions during this time.

The truth is that while major decisions, such as moving or changing jobs, are better off being postponed for now, life goes on. It will be difficult, but decisions dealing with the death of your baby (seeing and naming the baby, arranging and/or attending a religious ritual, taking care of the nursery items you have acquired) are all choices you can make for yourself. Well-meaning people will try to shelter you from the pain of this. However, many of us who have suffered similar losses agree that these first decisions are very important. They help to make the loss real. Our brains filter out much of the pain early on as a way to protect us. Very soon after that, we find ourselves reliving the events over and over, trying to remember everything. This is another way that we acknowledge the loss. Until the loss is real, grieving cannot begin. Being involved at this early time will be a painful experience, but it will help you deal with your grief better as you progress by providing comforting memories of having performed loving, caring acts for your baby.

The truth isn't that you will be delighted to hear that a friend or other loved one has just given birth to a healthy baby.

The truth is that you may find it very difficult to be around mothers with young babies. You may be hurt, or angry, or jealous. You may wonder why you couldn't have had that joy. You may be resentful, or refuse to see friends with new babies. You may even secretly wish that the same thing would happen to someone else. You want someone to understand how it feels. You may also feel very ashamed that you could wish such things on people you love or care about, or think that you must be a dreadful person. You aren't. You're human, and even the most loving people can react this way when they are actively grieving. If the situations were reversed, your friends would be feeling and thinking the same things you are. Forgive yourself. It's OK. These feelings will eventually go away.
The truth isn't that all marriages survive this difficult time.

The truth is that sometimes you might blame one another, resent one another, or dislike being with one another. If you find this happening, get help. There are self-help groups available or grief counselors who can help. Don't ignore it or tuck it away assuming it will get better. It won't. Actively grieving people cannot help one another. It is unrealistic, like having two people who were blinded at the same time teach each other Braille. Talking it out with others may help. It might even save your marriage.

The truth isn't that eventually you will accept the loss of your baby and forget all about this awful time.

The truth is that acceptance is a word reserved for the understanding you come to when you've successfully grieved the loss of a parent, or a grandparent, or a beloved older relative. When you lose a child, your whole future has been affected, not your past. No one can really accept that. But there is resolution in the form of healing and learning how to cope. You will survive. Many of us who have gone through this type of grief are afraid we might forget about our babies once we begin to heal. This won't happen. You will always remember your precious baby because successful grieving carves a place in your heart where he or she will live forever.
A Mother's Prayer/ Affirmation After Miscarriage
In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion.

I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing.

During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort.

I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attentio to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely.

I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence.

In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing.

Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly.

Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me.

Let me find healing in the belief that this oul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place.

Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence.

Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss.

Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them.

I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms.

I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.

[Shadeauxe]

I think I am an alien. I didn't go through any of this. I never know what to say to people because I didn't have the same set of emotions. On the one hand, I am glad that I didn't, but on the other hand, it makes me feel helpless to offer advice because I process things a lot differently than most people.

[Toots216]

You're not an alien. I process things differently too, and although I was DEVASTATED after both my losses, I found that I felt much better once my hormones evened themselves out. Right now, I feel great physically and emotionally, and I'm always willing to talk about my losses with anybody who wants to talk about it. Is that weird?

I've seen that mother's prayer online before, and I LOVE it. It's just perfect. The other part, though, doesn't really apply to me. DH and I are stronger than ever, and both of us have a positive outlook - we KNOW we'll be parents, one way or another. The only thing that really bothers me is when the 100s of pregnant women surrounding me (I swear everyone I know is pg) complain about being pregnant. REALLY p***** me off.

[Shadeauxe]

Originally Posted by Toots216

...and I'm always willing to talk about my losses with anybody who wants to talk about it. Is that weird?

The only thing that really bothers me is when the 100s of pregnant women surrounding me (I swear everyone I know is pg) complain about being pregnant. REALLY p***** me off.

I don't think that's weird. I'll talk about it too, it doesn't bother me.

I hear you about the complaining. I went back to my DDC after my miscarriage to check on something and some woman was actually asking people to pray for her because she didn't want to get sick at the dentist's office. I thought, "Are you kidding me?" Many people have had miscarriages and you're asking the community to pray to God that you don't have nausea at the dentist's?" I was annoyed. I'm not even religious.

[missy123]

Thank you for posting that Michelle - I can relate to most of it.

It hurt more for me with the babies that I saw a heartbeat with. The chemicals made me sad but much easier emotionally to deal with.

[hotpinktulips]

I wish I had found this when I was mourning my loss, because it is all so true. Thank you for sharing!

[mafiamom]

this was very good. i can relate to quite a bit of it.

does anyone remember that post about "the new normal"? that was very good as well. i really liked that.

thanks for sharing

[SillyKitty]

Thanks for sharing. I liked the part about the laughter. I've had a hard time dealing with this. My co-workers are a great and fun bunch to be with, and I've felt guilty for the past couple of days when they've made me laugh. It's like I'm punishing myself for being happy for a few moments during my time of grieving. Of course, I'm spending more of the day grieving, but I should cherish those moments of laughter, not feel guilty about them.

Courtney, I don't think you're weird for feeling differently than what the post talks about. We all handle emotions differently, obviously. Nothing wrong with that!

[TnPhotoMama81]

I can relate to many aspects of that. Thanks for posting!

[Brittanie]

I feel like I could have written this myself. I don't know that I would relate as much of Cora wasn't full term. If I miscarried right now...not sure I'd feel the same. I'd be devastated, but it would be so different.

[StaceygirlPa]

Thank you for much for sharing that with us.

[Cait&AngelAbove]

Thank you for posting this. It definately explains how I feel.