This is getting ridiculous!! update

#1 January 10th, 2011, 06:42 AM

Let me walk you through what I've been dealing with...we found out the baby passed away on November 18th, had the D&E November 24th, and were told to wait two cycles before TTC. DH wasn't sure about TTC, he said that he was so hurt and so afraid of it happening again. As a little time passed, I started to feel this huge emptyness I could only fill with a new baby. We discussed it and he really didn't feel that he was ready and we said we'd revisit the topic in the new year. At the end of December, he walked in on me putting Angel Baby's prayer blanket into the empty co-sleeper and crying. He said "The answer for February is 'yes'". Last week during an argument, he said that he didn't want to have another baby which left me sad for days but of course I still brought it up, because I want it so badly. A few nights ago, he patted his lap and I came over an sat down. He said "As long as you promise not to get on me about the time I spend doing real estate, we can have another baby."

Fast forward to this morning...he says he really hopes that I don't get pregnant next month. I asked him "Are you going to be trying NOT to get me pregnant?" And he said "Look, I'm not anxious for another baby." I told him that was fine but would he be trying AGAINST me and he told me, "I think you're going to TRY to get pregnant. I don't want you to TRY. I really don't want to have another baby yet."

WHAT THE HELL? He keeps saying that we can have another baby, because he knows how badly it's killing me inside, but then he guilt trips me like crazy and basically tells me that he wants me to pretend to try to get pregnant, but not really do it.

UPDATE: I was fuming all day, which got his attention because I kept telling him it was best to leave me be because I was so mad. So finally, he sat down in front of me and told me how he felt. He basically said that he's afraid that two cycles is too soon so he doesn't want to try *hard* quite yet, he'd rather I take it as it goes and it will happen if it happens. We discussed it for a long time and we both understand each other and have basically come to an agreement. However, this morning he asked if I want to start DTD every other day to raise his count...so I suppose we're at least going to NTNP (like not laying with my hips raised afterward but instead getting up and "cleaning up") but I told him that I still must track my ovulation because I really enjoy temping and if we're going to conceive, I want to try to conceive a boy, just because.

Shadeauxe · #2 January 10th, 2011, 06:52 AM

I don't know what to say to that other than what you just said in your last sentence. Repeat that to him and see how he responds. Also, tell him to stop being so wishy washy. He needs to make a decision and stick with and stop flip flopping.

ashj_1218 · #3 January 10th, 2011, 06:57 AM

Weird! I am sorry you are going through this, I know that this time is one of the hardest out there. And even though most men can not display how much a loss hurts them, it really hits them hard (I think there is a helplessness about it and men hate helplessness). It really does sound like he is giving you mixed messages...and probably because he really does not know what he wants. Which I know is frustrating for you. He sounds like he wants to make you happy, but feels scared and not ready at the same time. I know you might want to jump right back in, but maybe wait a couple months before trying anything (just enjoy yourselves and don't time things/track things) and see what happens by then. You know? He might just feel pressure or be afraid that the TTC is going to consume you/your sex life. Maybe if he sees for a couple months that things are not as stressful as he imagines, he will be more willing to actually try for another LO. Again, so sorry this is a hard time

.:Shortcake:. · #4 January 10th, 2011, 07:13 AM

I would sit down and tell him that you both need to be on the same page. It seems like he doesn't know what he wants and that is not good. I would explain to him that if you get pregnant you don't want him changing his mind then because at that point it's too late. You both need to be on the same page now. HUGS! I'm sorry but men can be so freaking stupid/hardheaded at times!

LindseyE117 · #5 January 10th, 2011, 07:31 AM

My hubby and I were not on the same page for years. I desperately wanted a baby and he quite frankly did not. We thought we were pregnant early on in our relationship 5 years ago and he was so estatic and happy (even though he said he did NOT want children), but it was a false alarm. The look of disappointment on his face told me that he was conflicted. That's when I decided to push the issue. So basically he told me that he did not want a child because of the cost. I tried to explain to him that if we waited to afford a child, we would NEVER have one. So this was an issue for us for years. Finally he reluctantly told me that we could try 3 years ago. He was never really on board with it though. One day he was, the other he was not. I think that is why we had so many issues in the beginning. He could never really "perform" at times, and I started to think that he was doing it on purpose. I started to loathe him for it. I tried talking to him on many occassions and I basically told him a while ago that marriages are broken over something like this and I did not want our marriage to come down to that. I was afraid that if I gave in to him, that I would never forgive him when it was too late to have a baby. He was shocked and upset and accused me of the same thing. Needless to say it tested our marriage and he actually came around to wanting a baby a year ago when he had a friend's baby snuggle into his arms. He nearly cried holding that baby and then he was on board full force. When we got pregnant in September, he was so excited and he went out and bought tons of new daddy books and stuff. Then he was crushed by the loss. He took it a lot harder then me at first. It still haunts us to this day.

So basically after my looooonnnng post, talk to him. Lay all your cards out on the table. I mean SERIOUSLY talk to him. I was so afraid of hating my husband over this. His constant flip flopping on the issue tore me up inside and made me question our marriage. Don't let it happen to you. Tell him how you really feel. Let him know that he is hurting you by doing this.

I hope it all works out for you. You are in my prayers.

#6 January 10th, 2011, 07:41 AM

He keeps comparing me to my ex-friend who has been begging and pleading her husband to have a baby with her for years. Usually it's jokingly but this morning was the second time that he was serious.

I texted him because I am in a horrible mood over this, and said "Do I want more than life itself to fill the void inside me? Yes. But I don't need to try hard. There is a HUGE difference between __ and I that I hope you don't forget: __ does not have a huge hole in her heart and uterus where her dead baby was just removed. I'm not like __, she is not operating off of the same pain I am. Please remember that.

And please stop comparing me to her. :'( I'm just not sure you understand how much that specifically hurts my feelings."

I don't want it to put a wedge between us but I think it might, just because of how depressed I am about not being pregnant...

MeganMomof5 · #7 January 10th, 2011, 07:45 AM

I'm really sorry Tiffany

I don't have any advice, except maybe you should sit down and spill your guts...Sometimes i just don't think men understand...He shouldn't be treating you this way. (((hugs)))

LindseyE117 · #8 January 10th, 2011, 07:46 AM

I am seriously sorry. My hubby kept hurting me until I told him exactly how I was beginning to loathe him. He quickly got scared and stopped making snide comments.

missy123 · #9 January 10th, 2011, 07:54 AM

((Hugs)) losing a baby is so hard, I understand your pain and your need/want to be pregnant again. Just make sure that you and DH are on the same page. Remember he is your #1

*SamF* · #10 January 10th, 2011, 08:14 AM

I agree with the others. Men can be wishy washy and it's beyond frustrating. I think they are scared of telling us what they are feeling/thinking, so they keep going back and forth. Sit him down and talk to him. So both of you can lay your cards on the table, and then you can decided as a couple (both sides need to be comfortable with and make concessions) when you want to actively TTC.

TnPhotoMama81 · #11 January 10th, 2011, 08:22 AM

This makes me so sad for you. I really dont have any other advice but to try and talk to him. I like what you said in your text message to him. Maybe that will help make him realize how important this is to you and stop comparing you to your friend.

*hugs*

AZsnowflake · #12 January 10th, 2011, 08:49 AM

Oh I'm so sorry! DH was a bit like this but it only lasted for about 2 weeks so I have no advice for you

j&jmom · #13 January 11th, 2011, 07:29 AM

HUGS! I'm sorry your dh is being difficult. I'd maybe try talking to him again, but just listen to what he says and try not to be defensive about how you feel. He may be going though something too, just reacting differently. Either way, I hope it works out!