[Jessica121706]

How do you keep yourself thinking positive?

Alot of people here seem to have many losses and have been trying for sometime...I feel stupid and petty that i am so down in the dumps. I have 1 beautiful healthy babygirl and only 1 loss (at the time i wasn't even ttc) after trying for only 2 months i am depressed over it.

[missy123]

I was much more depressed after our 1st loss. I cried for months and it was so hard for me to get out of bed even. Thank goodness my boys are older as they pretty much fed themselves and me too. I was a depressed mess. I did not sleep, just wanted to stick my head in the sand and vented the most depressing posts ever here on JM. It took a lot of healing or maybe I am just numb to it all and in robot mode to keep trying and not to give up.

[LindseyE117]

Don't feel bad. I have 2 beautiful children and only one loss. Like an idiot though, I thought because I had never miscarried that I would be ok. Something deep down this last pregnancy had me worried though, a feeling I had never felt before.

IT STILL HURTS. I had my first loss back in October after 2 years of TTC. I was devestated, angry, crushed, and I made my husband pay the doctor and deal with the paperwork as I just calmly walked outside and got into my car (at this point they told me that they thought it was eptopic). I started screaming bloody murder and beating the steering wheel. I then left my husband there and drove home bawling hysterically (he had his own car thank god).

I parked, ran inside, screamed bloody murder into my pillow, and bawled to the point where I could not breathe. I even refused to see my husband when he walked in the door and came to comfort me in the bedroom. Then later on that night, I snapped. I was numb. No feelings. When I started bleeding the next night (a Saturday), I freaked thinking my tube had burst even though I felt no pain what so ever. My hubby rushed me to the hospital at midnight and he then broken down and bawled like a baby in my lap. I just held him and I waas as calm as can be.

It took a week or so for the depression to hit me after feeling like I was ok. It got pretty bad at points. I am just now slowly getting over it and feeling better about pregnancy.

So my point being, YOU ARE FINE TO FEEL THIS WAY. There are others like you out there. It does feel unfair regardless what loss it is. I truly believe that women who want children should not experience loss. It seems so unfair that some women use abortion as birth control and others throw their children away. It makes you wonder why such women can get pregnant in the first place. I truly feel though that without loss, you cannot truly appreciate what you have in life. I mean, if no one ever experiences loss, you might take for granted what you have. Give it time. It DOES get better with time.

(man I talk too much, lol)

[ashj_1218]

Lol...we all talk too much. We have lots to say

But, yeah, I actually think my first loss this year (because I did have one other loss before it, but I sorta blocked it out and never felt anything about it) was the WORST one. And I have had three since then. It was the suddenness of it that I think threw me. One second I was floating on air and life was great (sunshine and roses) and then the next I was being told my baby had died inside me and they were giving me options on how to get him out. Too much, too quick. It was the loss of the dreams, hopes, imaginings I had for him and my son. It was more than just a loss...it was a crushing blow to my womanhood and made me feel like a failure. I think it is very, very normal to feel depressed no matter how many miscarriages/living children you have. I have one gorgeous (if i do say so myself) son and have had my share of losses. But I also feel guilty sometimes because I have only been here for 9 months (trying) and some people have been here way longer. And have more positive hopes than I do. But it goes in waves and you will be on the upswing sometimes. And sometimes down. That is the awesome thing about this room. There is always someone up who can pull you up too. And someone down who knows just how you are feeling. Hang in there mama...it will be your turn soon enough

[j&jmom]

I agree with what the other ladies have said. I listen to these stories and feel stupid for feeling so low when I have two beautiful children living with me. . . However, I do want more and I do get sad thinking about the child I loss wondering how he/she would have changed the dynamics of our family. I think regardless of how many children we have, or how many miscarriages we have, our desires are the same. The lack of control over the situation can make anyone depressed. What I focus on is the things I can control. What can I do that I can fix. It makes me feel like I have control in my life, even if I can't fix having a baby for now.

[StaceygirlPa]

I took my first loss the hardest. Our first loss was the one we tried for the hardest. It was the one we had an IUI done and it worked. We saw a heartbeat then we didn't see a heartbeat. The first loss was supposed to be born in March of 2011. Which would have also helped me to get through the 1 year anniversary of my mom's passing. Now I have to two losses to be sad over in March. The second loss I really didn't have time to get used to the idea that we were pregnant. Although we did fine out we can get pregnant on our own. It is hard to keep going no matter how many losses you have had. I believe one day that I will hold my baby in my arms. That is what keeps me going. Dh also keeps me going by just being there for me when I need someone.

[dreamer10]

Well...loss is a tricky thing. Some are worse than others for some reason. My second and my fourth were my worst. I can't say why that is, I can't say why I was able to move on so much better with the other two, but I just did. I know with this last loss, it was horrible because I was so far along and the baby looked and was so healthy right up until he was gone.

This is the thing. Whether you have never had children, or whether you have them and then suffer losses it always comes as a surprise. Noone grows up thinking "I can't wait to figure out how to get through those miscarriages I am going to have!" Or, "I can't wait to talk to a specialist about the posibilty of infertility". As kids we have this view of the world, and ourselves in it when we are forty years old. Succesful careers, marriages and children. We don't anticipate heartache, divorce, financial problems and fertility issues. We are looking at the world like it's all going to be great, and I am glad I did. I love the look in my childrens eyes when they talk about the future. They are full of hope, faith and determination. Those qualities are what end up getting them through the hardship, loss and grief that inevitably comes with life as it goes on. What you are experiencing is normal. It's called life. It will throw you curve balls, it will beat you down until you no longer want to get up, but you will get up. We all do, because what's the alternative? Just know that you are not alone...not in how you feel, what you are experiencing and where your life is at. We all have similar stories and that's why places like this can be so healing. We have true empathy for each other, even knowing we can't fix anything for each other, we can talk, love and see each other through those dark nights.

Know you are loved....

[Shadeauxe]

I stay positive by figuring that if it didn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be. I know this runs contrary to just about everyone on the planet. My life seems to go like this quite a bit, when I don't get something I want, I end up getting what I need, which is often better than what I wanted.

I am not trying to explain away anyone else's situations. I am only talking about myself. I know the "better" thing doesn't really apply to a life, but it's really hard for me to articulate.

[AZsnowflake]

I am the same as you, one healthy child and one loss. I don't think it matters how the loss happened (whether actively TTC or an "accident") it still hurts and you shouldn't feel bad for grieving. Just because you have one healthy child doesn't mean you aren't allowed to mourn the one you lost, KWIM? That's what I tell myself. Everyday it seems to get a bit easier as "normalcy" returns but some days that makes it harder. One day at a time, that's all I can give mysefl!

And like Shadeauxe, I also belive that things happen for a reason, and if it didn't work out it wasn't meant to be. I have also challenged myself on that thought wondering if I would feel that same way if I had multiple losses, and honestly I can't say. Now I drive mysefl crazy thinking, well maybe it happened early because my Grandma is going to die soon and I would've been so upset it would've caused my loss at a much great stage of pregnancy, maybe it was for the best and other things like that. Ugh my mind won't stop running!

[Shadeauxe]

I "what if"ed a lot in the first day or two also.

[ohnicole]

Ladies, please do not feel stupid or guilty for being frustrated, angry, and depressed, no matter what your journey has been so far! The loss of a little one is so devastating, no matter what the circumstances.

I was also very down for the first few months after my loss, unable to think about anything but how unfair it was and how cruel everyone else was for going on with their lives like everything was normal. And like Missy said, after a while you start healing a little and start TTC almost on autopilot.

We all have those swings- for me it is always hope around O time and depression/anger around AF time. And some cycles are worse than others. But the ladies on this board will always be here for you, and we are all lucky to have each other.

[Jessica121706]

Thanks ladies, i think i am just so down with this being my first month ttc and it probaly being a bust. All the testing and adding on the stress of moving just was not a great situation for me emotionally. I feel much better today.

[.:Shortcake:.]

The only thing that keeps me pushing forward is that I know in my heart I'm meant to have a living breathing child of my own. I am made to be a mommy. I have *7* precious angels in heaven that I miss every moment of every day. And even when I have a living child it will not replace them or take my pain away. If I lost hope I would have nothing and I don't know where I would be. I try to find the positive in everything but it's hard. I know that in my darkest hours I have turned to JM and wandered over to PAL and read the grads stories. It has truly helped me.

[missy123]

You will have more bad days... Just know we are here for you. ((Hugs))


Julie - you are an amazing writer. I can't wait to read your book!

[MeganMomof5]

I agree with Katie...That's the only thing that keeps me going when I feel like giving up...I know i'm ment to have another baby in my arms, I can feel it deep down...Some days I feel differently, but for the most part I feel as though I will have another baby....It's gotten easier in a way with each loss...I think it's made me numb..Also my first loss I was pretty far along, and that was my worst loss i'd say, so the ones after that were easier for me to deal with.