Had a much needed talk/cry last night... (prev m/c and preg mentioned)

TnPhotoMama81 · #1 January 16th, 2011, 01:12 PM

Since our loss in April, my husband and I have barely talked about it. We both cried about it when it happened but it isn't something we have brought up since. He knows I am sad about it sometimes and I know he thinks about it and we have left it at that.

Last night we were laying in bed talking about this pregnancy and ended up on the topic of our loss. When we initially went through the m/c he mentioned that he didn't think it was a good idea for me to have the ultrasound photos because he didn't want to dwell on it or have it upset me anymore and at the time I understood that you know? I just was not sure that I wanted them at that moment. Things were so fresh, and seeing that image was unbearable.

Well fast forward to this past October, I had a really rough month just thinking about how our due date was approaching. I was crying a lot and hearing of other peoples losses that month affected me too. I thought about it and decided I really wanted those ultrasound photos. I needed them because that is ALL we had to really remember our baby by. I needed the "proof" I guess if that makes any sense. Especially when everyone else seemed to have forgotten. Honestly, my online friends seem to care more than ones IRL but I think it is just because people who have been through it understand.

Well I called the Dr's office and long story short they would not give me the originals, only photocopies. I was pretty upset by that especially because I didn't want really bad copies...I didn't want to make the situation worse than it was. Anyway, one of the nurses was kind of rude to me before they agreed to make me copies. She was all "Why do you want them"...which IMO is none of her business why I want them. But w/e.

I got the photos without telling my husband. I just did not want to upset him but I needed them. I confessed this to him last night and I think he is glad I got them. We talked about them and just that it is an image he will never forget. He told me he loves all our babies, whether they are here or not. He also confessed that he feels bad about how we flushed it when it happened. I totally lost it when he said that because it is a guilt I think about every single day. We were both distraught though when it happened. I think a lot of couples don't know what to do when it happens. We both agreed that we couldn't blame ourselves for it.

Anyway, it was nice to hear him talk about it and it made me realize I am NOT alone in my feelings. It felt so good to talk about it openly and get things off my chest. I can't believe it took us almost a year to do so. He also told me it has been on his mind lately to name the baby. I really wanted to as well so that made me smile.

We also are thinking about getting some type of memorial stone or something for our garden this spring.

Thanks for reading this guys. I just needed to tell someone since I knew yall would understand. I hope I didn't upset anybody.

missy123 · #2 January 16th, 2011, 01:33 PM

I think that is so sweet. I remember when you were going to get the ultrasound pictures and I am glad you did. ((Hugs)) I am glad DH opened up to you, it may help you heal as well.

There is a church in NY that will pray for your baby and give you a certificate that you can keep with your ultrasound pictures. Just thought I would share as this helped me heal a little. It is nice to know that people are praying for my babies.

Often children who have died before birth have no grave or headstone, and sometimes not even a name. At The Church of The Holy Innocents, we invite you to name your child(ren) and to have the opportunity to have your baby's name inscribed in our "BOOK OF LIFE". Here, a candle is always lit in their memory. All day long people stop to pray. On the first Monday of every month, our 12:15pm Mass is celebrated in honor of these children and for the comfort of their families. We pray that you will find peace in knowing that your child(ren) will be remembered at the Shrine and honored by all who pray here.

Just fill out the form and they will email you a certificate back. It is like a "birth certificate" but.... well I am babbling. I cherish mine. It is free, if you wish to donate you can as well.

The Church of the Holy Innocents

momof6lopez · #3 January 16th, 2011, 02:53 PM

You are very brave for having that talk, I still cant, and Ive had my rainbow baby. My dh brought a picture of our baby's u/s picture (taped into a little angel ceramic box) to the delivery of Mia......it broke my heart, right before I delivered. I know he meant well, but I think having that talk before he surprised me like that would of been the best. I still cant look at the picture, it still sits on my dresser...in the new little box Jerry got for her. Since the birth of Mia, my dh just knows not to talk about it anymore. I dont think I will ever be able to get closure on this.

Thank you for posting your story though, maybe one day I will be brave like you!

luvmykids623 · #4 January 16th, 2011, 03:28 PM

I'm so glad that you got your pictures and you were able to have that talk with DH. I hope it helps with your healing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by missy123

I think that is so sweet. I remember when you were going to get the ultrasound pictures and I am glad you did. ((Hugs)) I am glad DH opened up to you, it may help you heal as well.

There is a church in NY that will pray for your baby and give you a certificate that you can keep with your ultrasound pictures. Just thought I would share as this helped me heal a little. It is nice to know that people are praying for my babies.

Often children who have died before birth have no grave or headstone, and sometimes not even a name. At The Church of The Holy Innocents, we invite you to name your child(ren) and to have the opportunity to have your baby's name inscribed in our "BOOK OF LIFE". Here, a candle is always lit in their memory. All day long people stop to pray. On the first Monday of every month, our 12:15pm Mass is celebrated in honor of these children and for the comfort of their families. We pray that you will find peace in knowing that your child(ren) will be remembered at the Shrine and honored by all who pray here.

Just fill out the form and they will email you a certificate back. It is like a "birth certificate" but.... well I am babbling. I cherish mine. It is free, if you wish to donate you can as well.

The Church of the Holy Innocents

This is amazing Missy! DH and I haven't named our 3 angels, but when we do it would be so nice to submit their names and know that someone aside from us is remembering them.

MeganMomof5 · #5 January 16th, 2011, 03:42 PM

I'm glad you guys talked about things...I know for us it's always been hard to talk about, and I usually get upset, but the few times we have, it always makes me feel better...I hope you get some closure! ((Hugs))

.:Shortcake:. · #6 January 16th, 2011, 06:37 PM

I think I'm probably different than most people... I speak about my angels all the time. I also have my son (my first lost and the farthest along) ultrasound pictures up around the house. I have angel statues around my house as well in memory of all my angels. DH does not like talking about it. He has talked some but admitted it's easier for him to not talk about it. HUGS! I think that was very good for you and your DH to talk about it and be on the same page with everything.

AZsnowflake · #7 January 16th, 2011, 06:52 PM

I'm glad you guys finally talked about it, it seems to be very healing for you both! And missy, thank you so much for that link I wanted to try to find something like that but never knew what to google!

StaceygirlPa · #8 January 17th, 2011, 03:47 AM

I am happy that your u/s pictures. I can't get dh to talk about our fist loss that much. At first it bothered me but now it dosen't bother me that much. I have all of you to talk to. I am happy that you and dh got a chance to talk about it.

TnPhotoMama81 · #9 January 17th, 2011, 08:56 AM

Thank you everyone for your kind words <3

Lori (momof5lopez) - *hugs to you* I can understand how that would be upsetting. I hope one day you and your husband can get closure together.

Missy - thank you for that link! I think I went to that site before but I didn't have a name picked out. I will definitely get one printed out once we decide on a name.