DH says some really chauvinistic things to me sometimes and today we ended up on a topic that has caused a lot of arguments since I've heard of it--push presents.

For those who don't know, a push present is a little gift given to the mother after delivering the baby.

DH doesn't believe in push presents. He says that we're both parenting the child and it's not his fault that he can't "push" out the baby.

What do you think of push presents and how would my DH's statement make you feel?

It makes me feel kind of unappreciated. I mean, I don't expect my feet to be kissed...but a little sign of "good job, you did something I couldn't do" would be nice. My DH is always kind of jealous though. He really resented me for BFing because DD gave me more attention.

Since this post got nasty replies on drama-filled CafeMom, let me mention that it's about being acknowledged and appreciated. IDC about an actual material gift. Sorry, it was erasier to type this than edit since I'm on my phone.

[AZsnowflake]

DH wasn't a fan of a push present either when I brought it up...and to be honest neither am I. I never really saw the point of it, your present is the baby at the end! this isn't to say I'm totally against it but I really don't see the point.

Originally Posted by MrsAndMommy

Since this post got nasty replies on drama-filled CafeMom, let me mention that it's about being acknowledged and appreciated. IDC about an actual material gift. Sorry, it was erasier to type this than edit since I'm on my phone.

what kind of present are you talking about if it's not material? I am lost lol if it's about being appreciated and getting a "good job" then is him saying that to you enough? If so then what's the need for a present?

Yep it is good enough...but my DH never told me good job, he doesn't really think he should because he would do it if he could. He said buying me Wendy's when I craved it was good enough but honestly, all I want is a little appreciation. Acknowledgment for doing something big, just like I tell him how proud I am of the work he does.

[AZsnowflake]

Originally Posted by MrsAndMommy

Yep it is good enough...but my DH never told me good job, he doesn't really think he should because he would do it if he could. He said buying me Wendy's when I craved it was good enough but honestly, all I want is a little appreciation. Acknowledgment for doing something big, just like I tell him how proud I am of the work he does.

Ok well I wouldn't call that a push present, that's what I call "filling the love cup" LOL It's something you want/need done to fill your "love" cup, and when it happens you feel loved. I don't think that's too much to ask at all. DH constantly told me during labor and after how well I was doing/did and how in awe he was of me during labor and how much it made him love me even more, that was really sweet. Have you talked to DH about feeling unappreciated? Maybe ask him if HE feels unappreciated as well? DH and I constantly talk about and make lists for each other so we know exact things that make the other person feel loved and appreciated. I highly suggest the Five Love Languages if you've never read it, it is very insightful.

[ashj_1218]

^^My first thought was that your DH feels left out and needing reassurance that he is a part of the pregnancy/delivery. Chances are, he doesn't feel that he is involved and is taking that out on you (and your position in the L/D of your children).

I do not necessarily like "push presents." But honestly, I do think that my DH should say something (he did with Liam and also beamed with pride while telling people how he managed to stay calm under the pressure of driving a transitioning woman an hour to the hospital...so I think he felt needed, ya know?). It is common courtesy though. I mean, we thank each other for making dinner, taking out the trash, moving the cars around for ease of getting out of the driveway, etc. So it would be weird if he did not acknowledge that I just labored our son out of my body. We agreed no presents, since we did not want to spend the money. But I did think it was nice he knew how hard I worked and that it deserved a kiss and a "pat on the back."

I don't think it has anything to do with material posessions. So, I am not sure why it sparked such a debate. But whatever. It is always nice to be recognized...not only for labor, but for cleaning the bathroom or getting the mail.

I def think your DH has jealousy issues and is insecure. For him to be envious of you feeding the baby, that is just silly. He can form a different bond. And either he doesn't want to put the effort in (since ours is a little more natural of a bond) or resents that it is not easy for him. Sounds like he could use a reality check. He can't change that he can't deliver or nurse the kids. But he can change his attitude about it.

[Shadeauxe]

Ok, I guess I am the voice of dissension. If my husband told me "Good job" after delivery, it would annoy the hell out of me. I would take it as very 1950's patronization.

I also think that it's silly to expect a gift for delivering a baby as a routine expected thing. Now, if someone gave a gift just as a gesture of "I love you and I think you're amazing", then that's different.

Even though my husband didn't push out the baby, he was there to support me and be my advocate if the need arose. He did everything I'd ask him to do and was always thinking about what he could do to make the whole experience easier for me.

Yes, the husband isn't going through any of the pain and work, but they are dealing with more of the emotional side of watching the person they love endure all of the pain and also thinking of the baby (as is the mother).

This isn't as articulate as I'd like it to be because I was about to run out the door. I probably shouldn't have posted because it's probably only going to make people mad. So, the answer to your question is, I agree with your husband. Sorry.

[Servilia]

I don't think there's a problem with push presents at all. I wouldn't expect one, but would consider it nice And I don't have a problem with other people giving/getting them either.
I would consider it a very thoughtful expression of his acknowledgement of my role in bringing the child into the world.
I agree with some others when they say your DH is a little insecure of his role.. and this is more common than most people realize, I've seen it with my friends. The father becomes a little jealous of the bond forming between mom and baby. So maybe he needs to see extra appreciation from you for all the things he does while you're pregnant/afterwards. Although it's common for them to get jealous, it really is a bit silly because they get to do SO much with the kids once they're older, sometimes even more than the mom. At least in my family it was like that - my dad took me fishing, to his soccer games, to all kinds things - I spent way more quality time with him than my mom when I was growing up.

[Brittanie]

My husband has told me that he envies the bond I have with my children, and that he thinks that it's amazing I'm able to grow people. I hadn't heard of push presents until after Patrick was born, and I never felt the need for one because I already felt loved and appreciated (and I agree, the baby was my present).


I do think that the bigger issue here is a feeling of a lack of appreciation/involvement. Just because he would if he could doesn't mean he shouldn't appreciate that you can and you do. When I can't do something (even if I would if I could), I definitely appreciate the person who does it for me. There needs to be some discussion here on both sides about how you can show your appreciation for each other.

[purplelady]

dont want or need one, because i get the best present in the end that came from both of us. yeah he may not have to do the pushing, but he is the one that had to do all of the midnight craving runs. or 2 am gas station runs for tums, put up with my mood swing, and he is the one that has to play the gopher for me during recovery. plus he is the one that doesnt get to have that unique bond that comes from carrying the baby. so in the end i think it all evens out and no special present is need for me, i was just doing my job.....lol.

ETA: that my hubby has always showen me appreciation for my "hard work" during labor by simply telling me how strong i am. im pretty sure he called me savage for months after my water birth with rowan, and would brag to anyone that would listen about how awesome of a job i did. but i didnt expect or even want that. for me it just seemed silly to get a push present, i mean i understand its hard work but for me it would be to much like being paid for my services lol. this is an act of love not a service i did for him, so he owes me nothing more than a smile and a kiss after, ok so maybe he owes me a helping hand also. but in the end its all about personal feelings and to each there own

[Lex&angels]

I think that a push present is unnecessary. Unless flowers count. Or ice cream or something to eat (chocolates?)
If I have a baby one day, anything else I could receive that day would be set aside and forgotten about.

[missy123]

Originally Posted by Shadeauxe

I also think that it's silly to expect a gift for delivering a baby as a routine expected thing. Now, if someone gave a gift just as a gesture of "I love you and I think you're amazing", then that's different.

So, the answer to your question is, I agree with your husband. Sorry.

I don't feel that just because you gave birth you deserve a present. I think it is the same reason that I am not into valentines day.


Random acts of appreciation are much more exciting than expected ones.

I'm still on my phone but wanted to explain that the reason that it became a debate on Cafemom is because, like some of the users here, people thought my point was a gift. Nope, I'm not a gift kinda person, I don't do presents and I don't like money spent on me...the point was in the WORDS. The lack of appreciation by saying "eh, I'd do it if I could" but DH read some replies and realized that it IS hard work and he sat down and told me that he does think I am strong for putting my mind to it and having a natural labor and that he's proud of me. That's all I wanted to hear and him to know but I guess he had to hear it from others instead of me for the fifth time lol.

[NutMeg76]

I received a birth present with my first, I didn't even know I was getting one, and certainly didn't expect it. I think part of it was because I ended up with a c-setion, and my husband was sensitive to the fact that it wasn't what I had thought would happen. (I was not a crunchy birth mama yet, just disappointed that it wasn't what I thought it would be). He got me a rosary bead bracelet and a Winnie the Pooh keychain.

I didn't know about push presents and I m sure he didnt either. He just wanted to get me something to help me remember his birth by. I thought it was sweet.

I didn't get anything for any of my other births. I got lots of appreciation though, and praise, and awe. He constantly talks about how amazing I was during my vaginal births, and how he could never do it....lol

[Celena]

I'm not sure what the debate here is... traditionally people bring flowers, balloons and cards for the birth a new baby. Husbands usually go grab some yummy take-out so the wives aren't sent to the bathroom by the bland hospital food LOL

I don't expect it, but of course what woman wouldn't love a surprise of a sweet gesture from their hubby's... but I think the biggest gift of all would be our rainbow baby and everything just fades out to the background