Does it ever go away?

anne1909 · #1 January 23rd, 2011, 08:59 AM

Hello ladies. I'm relatively new here. I've spent the last week or so in the "Am I Pregnant" section; it turned out I wasn't. I'm not actually TTC right now. I'm finalizing a divorce, am in school, and am with a newish BF. It would be very difficult for me to have a baby right now, but I couldn't help but get excited about the possibility. While I was married, I miscarried at 16 weeks. Even though I wasn't pregnant this time, thinking that I could be and then getting a BFN brought back all of the same feelings that I had when I lost my first. It seems like those feelings hit me everytime I find out a friend is pregnant or see other people starting families. Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy for my friends and anyone else having kids, but I still get that tightness in my chest and throat, etc. What I'd like to know is does this feeling ever go away or atleast let up a bit? I've read and have been told that I should have been over it within 6 months or less. I miscarried in May 2009, so I've definitely missed the 6 month mark. I don't really talk about it at all anymore because when I did talk about it, I was told to let it go, get over it - it happens to everyone, etc. I know it happens to a lot of people, but knowing that doesn't make any of it better. Does anything make it better? How do the rest of you feel about your own losses?

.:Shortcake:. · #2 January 23rd, 2011, 09:16 AM

Hugs I am very sorry for your loss. I don't think you ever "get over it". My first loss was December 15, 2008 and to this day I still have good and bad days. I've had a total of 6 losses with 7 babies and I can tell you for me each one was just as devastating and I still to this day grieve for my babies. There really isn't a "normal" after losing your child. You will find that there are plenty of people that say mean/hurtful things and most of the time they don't mean to they just are ignorant and have never been in our shoes. Please know that we understand what you are going through here. I don't know where I would be without these ladies. Welcome to the board and please stick around even though your not TTC right now.

angel3y35 · #3 January 23rd, 2011, 11:16 AM

I agree. I don't think you'll ever "get over it". My loss was last May and it still hurts. You lost your child. Whether you got to meet and hold them and play with them or not, it was your child. My mother had 5 or 6 losses after me and she's not over them. That was over 20 years ago. When it comes to feelings there is no right or wrong. If someone tells you that you should be over it by now, tell them to bite you

I'm opinionated and opinionated while I'm Demerol means it comes out

Joanna1127 · #4 January 23rd, 2011, 12:52 PM

Welcome aboard! Sorry to hear of your loss.

I don't think I'll ever get over it. I think conceiving another baby will help, but not make me get over the baby I lost. I had my loss on 9/29/10 and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it.

dreamer10 · #5 January 23rd, 2011, 01:41 PM

Hi and welcome. I am very sorry about your loss. Like the other ladies have said, you never really get over it. Your baby, that should be here now, isn't. Nothing will ever change that, nothing will ever fix it or even replace it. It's a loss....let yourself feel it, cry over it and don't ever "let it go". The message that baby had for you, whatever it might have been would be lost if you just forgot about it and "let it go". Usually people who have never had a loss like that say things like that. They don't mean to hurt your feelings or say the wrong thing, they just can't relate and don't know what else to say.

Your welcome to talk about your baby here...name, boy or girl...reason you lost them...everything. We will listen, understand and love you through it!

stargatemommy · #6 January 23rd, 2011, 02:30 PM

It really doesn't ever go away, even during a successful pregnancy. I remember that every failed cycle felt almost as bad as another loss!

missy123 · #7 January 23rd, 2011, 04:09 PM

People really told you that you should "get over it" in 6 months or less? That is utter hogwash! You lost your baby along with all of the dreams that went along with it. As a mother, the minute you see a + pregnancy test there is complete love and a bond that can't be explained. ((Hugs)) I am sorry that others were so horrible to you. Feel free to stick around and chat with us, we understand.

ohnicole · #8 January 23rd, 2011, 04:59 PM

I am so sorry for what you've gone through. Like everyone else said, you never really get over a loss... you just learn to live with it. I hope the board can give you the support you need.

Jen21121 · #9 January 23rd, 2011, 06:16 PM

I am so sorry that you were told that you "should" have been over it at 6 months. There really is no right timeline for anyone, and for most of us, these losses don't ever leave. There will be brighter days, and the hurt will lessen over time, but I found that I never really got over my losses. Like PP have said, you find a new normal.

The sad thing is, pregnancy loss isn't really thought of as a death, even though many of us treat it as such. So there will be people in your life who don't "get it" or say the right things. It's hard for anyone who hasn't been there to understand this. I know that when my BFF went through it years before I did, I didn't get it and I was a bad friend in that respect. So don't take it too hard; it's just that they don't know.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Jacobbbsmommy · #10 January 24th, 2011, 02:56 AM

that time frame had to have been said by someone who never experienced a loss. i dont see myself ever getting over losing my baby. i constantly think about what he/she would have looked like, their personality, or what they could have been so i dont think those thoughts will ever just disappear.

StaceygirlPa · #11 January 24th, 2011, 03:12 AM

I am sorry for your loss. I agree with the other ladies. I don't think you ever get over it. I had my first loss in July of 2010. I have had two losses since then. The ladies on here are really surportive.

anne1909 · #12 January 24th, 2011, 07:19 AM

Thank you so much, everyone. You don't know how good it feels just to have other people to talk to about this, specifically other people who are going through the same thing.
I had heard the 6 months time frame from a couple of people and again from a female psychiatrist who specializes in helping women and their families cope with the loss children (before and after birth). I went to see her around 8 months after my m/c. I only went to a few sessions because she wanted to "use medication to help me forget about the fetus". (Those were her words.) What she basically told me was that typical m/c's are gotten over and even forgotten about within 6 months, though usually sooner. She felt that I had gone through all of the normal stages of grief completely and that was healthy, but the fact that I was still upset about it was not normal and I should start on antidepressants right away. After a number of months, I would be happy again and she would take me off of the medication. At that point, I would be able to think about the m/c just like any other occurrence in my past. I'd remember it, but wouldn't feel any negative emotion about it, it would be like remembering a day that I lost a pencil or some other mundane instance. (Again, that was her comparison in her words.) She said that it was flat out wrong that I should still be upset about an unborn baby and medication was the only way to fix me. Of course, I never made another appointment with her, or anyone else. I knew that wasn't the right route for me, but I still don't really know what the right route is, either.

.:Shortcake:. · #13 January 24th, 2011, 07:28 AM

Don't let ANYONE ever tell you that you need to get over it. That was, is, and ALWAYS will be your baby. Even though it is not here with you, your still a mother to that child in heaven. We do understand here and please stay. Jump right in on the main board. These ladies here are awesome and this is our "getaway" from the real world to a place where we are understood.

StaceygirlPa · #14 January 24th, 2011, 08:03 AM

Quote:

.:Shortcake:.
Don't let ANYONE ever tell you that you need to get over it. That was, is, and ALWAYS will be your baby. Even though it is not here with you, your still a mother to that child in heaven. We do understand here and please stay. Jump right in on the main board. These ladies here are awesome and this is our "getaway" from the real world to a place where we are understood.

*SamF* · #15 January 24th, 2011, 09:00 AM

First welcome to the board!

I don't think you ever get over it completely, or ever 'forget' about the baby. All I can think of that is maybe the doctor was saying if your grief was still overwhelming then you could be clinically depressed. Bad choice of words on her part. I'm still not 'over' my first loss, let alone my last. But I have gotten to the point where the grief doesn't affect me on a day to day, hour to hour basis. There are times when it comes back, just as it does when you lose any one close to you.
Biggest thing is to continue on with overwhelming grief isn't healthy for you, nor future babies. Talking about it does help a lot.