Feeling...something..I'm not sure what.

wishfulgal · #1 January 29th, 2011, 03:22 PM

This is going to be a bit of a long, rambly post..so bear with me.

I've devoted the last almost 15 months of my life to conceiving our 2nd child. I've taken supplements, DH has taken supplements, I've had tests, DH has had 3 SAs and a varicocele surgery, we've changed plans, eaten different foods, turned down cups of coffee, drank tea, stood on my head...you get the picture.

It was always all about getting pregnant. Getting pregnant was supposed to be the hard part. And although, I always knew, and feared, that a miscarriage could happen to me...until it actually happens to you, you can't really understand how it changes everything.

So here I am, on CD11. I typically ovulate a little on the late side, and I'm sure this first cycle might be a little screwed up...but within a week or two it'll be time to jump back on the horse and TTC again. But it's so different now. Now that I've experienced firsthand that getting a BFP doesn't mean you are necessarily going to have a baby...it's not just as simple as "getting pregnant". (not that it has ever been very "simple" for us...). I'm just feeling lots of mixed emotions about trying again. It's going to really suck if I don't get pregnant again any time soon. And if I do.....it definitely won't be exciting as much as terrifying.

Anyway, if you made it this far into my rambling thoughts, here's some cappucino

AZsnowflake · #2 January 29th, 2011, 03:30 PM

I am so sorry for your loss, your feelings are completely understandable!

Braysmomma03 · #3 January 29th, 2011, 03:34 PM

I completely understand your fears. I just had the first AF from my miscarriage on New years and I am scared that it will take us another 11 months to get pregnant or that if I do get pregnant quickly it will end in a miscarriage. I will never be able to just sit and enjoy a pregnancy ever again, I will always have those what if thoughts in the back of my head.

ohnicole · #4 January 29th, 2011, 03:47 PM

Huge hugs

This journey is so difficult... mix infertility and pregnancy loss and you've got yourself a mess of emotions, and none of them are good. It is a scary place to be in, and we all understand where you're coming from. We're here when you need us

.:Shortcake:. · #5 January 29th, 2011, 03:57 PM

Hugs! We all understand how hard this is. And I know that since my loss I have gotten excited with each BFP but also terrified. I have had to take time for myself alot and stop "trying". Sometimes I think we let that take over and I have had it affect DH & I's relationship. I hope you get your BFP soon

Jen21121 · #6 January 29th, 2011, 09:59 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. It's a terrible thing that a loss does to you - it robs you of the joy and feeling secure in any future BFP you have. I even had morning sickness with my last loss and thought I was home free - it happened anyway. I really hope you don't have to stay here long or experience this again. In the meantime, this is a great board for support!

I feel like we could be twins - I've been on the TTC #2 train for a long time (the IF issues are mine, however, not DH's) and I have a DD close in age to your DS.

TTCin2010 · #7 January 30th, 2011, 08:30 AM

I am sorry for your loss. Having a miscarriage when you have fertility issues is horrible. We struggle for so long, and finally get a BFP only to have it taken away. Its not as simple as having sex, and getting pregnant it is a long road filled with many emotions. Its enough to make anyone crazy. HUGS