[TTCin2010]

I am a ball of emotions right now, sad angry, and confused. I should be 39 weeks pregnant, and expecting the birth of my sweet baby. Instead I sit here with an empty stomach and a broken heart. I just "knew" in my heart that I would be pregnant again before my due date. Surely God isn't that cruel. I am 13 days passed ovulation, and the witch is due tomorrow.

I took a pregnancy test thins morning it was negative.

A miscarriage is devastating within itself, but to have a miscarriage on top of fertility issues is doubly devastating. Month after month you sit on pines and needles hoping and praying that this is the month. Finally you get a BFP, you get excited, you cry, you tell anyone that will listen. You make plans for the future, think about names, and even shop online for baby furniture. Only to have your hopes, your dreams, and your future taken away in a instant. "i'm sorry there is no heartbeat."

Month after month you lie to yourself "this will be the month, I just know it." "Oh my boobs hurt, I must be pregnant." only to be let down once again. Your desperate to become pregnant but terrified all the same, you know what can happen, and that scares you. Yet your hope for one day holding a baby in your arms, our weighs the pain of negative tests, and the terror of anything miscarriage.

Your Dr tells you the only way to get pregnant is with IVF, but that isnt an option right now. Friends tell you to relax, and it will happen. You pretend your happy when friends announce they are pregnant, and you bawl like a baby when you get a birth announcement in the mail. Jealously sucks


Some how you keep on going, because what choice do you have? You know that some where some how you will become a Mummy. Why cant it be now?

[.:Shortcake:.]

Hugs! I know I feel like I could have wrote that myself. I wish I could be there right now to give you a huge hug and let you rant away. Let your anger and frustration out. It's not good to keep your feelings inside. I know its very frustrating. Stay strong and know that we are here for you.

[ohnicole]

I'm so sorry, Karen It's just not fair. I wish that I could do more to be there for you, hon. Huge, huge hugs.

[Erin84]

I'm pretty sure most of us can identify with your feelings 100%. TTCAL is so hard, heck, even without the TTC, just surviving a loss is so hard! I'm glad you posted here, vented to us, because we can all understand.

[Joanna1127]

I can relate to all of your feelings.

I wish I had some magic words for you. Just know that we understand and are here for you.

[StaceygirlPa]

Karen, I am so sorry. I wish there was more we could do. Please know that all of us are here for you. Sending you lots of hugs.

[KCMomma]

I too can totally relate to everything you just said. I'm so sorry girl. This is the perfect place to vent though. Stay strong and just try and keep busy...easier said than done, I know.

[missy123]

I clung to every word you said... related to it all as I have been there, am there. The due date for my baby was LAST November, she would be 1. RE's told me IVF with donor eggs... don't have the 20K, all out of money... no more options. My nights are haunted with visions of a big belly - days the tears flow for what should be. My husband should be a daddy, I should not be so broken that I can't give him that. His friends are all having babies and saying hurry up so our kids can grow up together while my eggs are getting older and older by the minute... chances slipping away faster and faster. Our baby had a heartbeat, I saw it. Her little armbud waved at us... Why was god so crewel to take her away? why 2 more losses after? I try to be a good person and do right by others... what is the lesson here? Why do I deserve so much pain? They say god does not give you more than you can handle... why is it that there are moments when I am at my breaking point?

I hug you tight Karen for I share your anguish... much love to you.

[SkyBaby]

I completely understand. You took the words out of my mouth. It's been a year and a half since I lost my Angel. Some days, it really is just crippling.

[TTCin2010]

Thanks for the support ladies you all are the best.

[MountainMomma]

I feel the same way. It's not fair. It does suck. Sometimes we just need to sit and have a good cry, which is EXACTLY what I am doing tonight. I don't know if this will work for everyone, but it works for me..........

When I start feeling REALLY down like this, I go to youtube. I search for videos of BFP's and people surprising others with pregnancy announcements. I cry and I get pissed off, and eventually I start seeing videos of people who have struggled with infertility and have gone on to get their BFP. While it hurts at first, I get a good cry out of it (which I need sometimes) and then I start feeling hopeful again. If it happens for others, it can happen for me too, right?

I'm sorry that you are going through this too. I hope you get your BFP soon.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Just wanted to see how you are doing today Karen. Thinking of you!

[TTCin2010]

Im still in a funk and think I will be until my due date passes (this friday). Dh brought me home a huge bar of chocolate

[.:Shortcake:.]

Hugs! That was sweet of DH. Maybe plan something special for you 2 to do for your DD? Release balloons to your little one or just light a candle

[Erin84]

I just tried to hijack your post, so I deleted and started again I'm sorry you're still feeling crummy today. I like Katie's idea of releasing a balloon. I never could do the candle thing, because Drew's little light is already out, and I don't want to see that happen again, even symbolically. But for others, that's probably a cathartic comparison. I'll be thinking of you this Friday especially.

[AZsnowflake]

I am so sorry for your loss and can understand your feelings of frustration!