[Erin84]

Quick update first: POAS this morning at 3:30am, BFN at 10dpo. I'm starting to think I'm out this cycle, and I know it's early, but I've had this fever for days now... I'm okay though. The fever is helping to ground those sky-high hopes I had, so now it won't hurt quite so bad when AF likely shows. (I'm already starting to feel period-y.) Was in the hospital for five hours yesterday for the internship orientation, will be there for 10 hours today, and it's a 45-minute commute each way, so I won't be around today unless it's late -- it might be tomorrow.

Here's the background. My dad is very come and go. He's been an alcoholic his whole life. When he's around and sober, he's fantastic. But sometimes he's around and not sober, which is awful (he's not abusive or anything, just emotional and self-destructive and hard to be around). And sometimes he disappears for months at a time. Well supposedly he's been sober for almost 9 months now. We talked when I announced my pregnancy, but he wouldn't call simply because I asked him to a few times, he called when I told him in an e-mail "Well I'm pregnant, you're going to be a grandfather. Call if you care." And he called back a couple hours later. When I was about 34 weeks pregnant he pulled one of his disappearing acts (and was supposedly sober the whole time), and it took me two weeks to find him. He acted like nothing was wrong and I went into hysterics about how nobody knew where he was and this could throw me into labor and blah-blah-blah.

Well I wrote him an e-mail talking about how I'm tired of him being a come-and-go presence in my life, how it hurts, and each time I get my hopes up and he hurts me again. I said it's either in or out, you choose, I'd rather have you in, but if you're going to be in, make the commitment. Earn my trust. I love you and want a relationship, but I can't keep doing this.

Nothing for three weeks.

Then he calls me three days ago and we talk for about 30 minutes. Two days ago, we texted a little. This is where the bomb drops: Yesterday after I got out of the hospital, I had a voicemail from a loan agency saying I was a reference for an automobile loan and to please call back. So basically, he only got in touch with me because he wanted to use me as a reference.

"Why me?" you might ask. My dad defected on a loan during one of his drunken disappearances and actually got charged with grand theft auto. I don't know how it all turned out. He could have spent months in jail and I never would have known. He doesn't live near me, and we go months without talking all the time. I just know it happened because investigators were calling me about it, and because I called and told him if he didn't turn himself in that I was going to. A few days later he told me he called them, but then about a week after that the investigator called me back and said they didn't have any leads and asked if I was able to get ahold of him. So basically, he lied. He lies to people a lot, but this is the first time I've ever known him to lie to me (although I realize now he probably has in the past and I just didn't know at the time).

I don't know if he remembers that I know or not. His memory sucks, he's been in car accidents, up until about 3 years ago he used to drive drunk. So either he knows I know and is asking me to lie for him, or he thinks I don't know and is trying to fool me into being a reference because nobody else will.

He "changes" a lot, "gets better" a lot. He always goes back. Nine months is the longest he will have ever been sober, if he's telling the truth about how long it's been. Who am I to kick him when he's on what is, at least, the biggest upswing of his life, if not the real road to recovery.

But it hurts. He called me, put me in this position... I wouldn't have to pay if he defaulted again, I'm not cosigning, but I'm so angry. I've had "Grow up and be a man, stop sucking, stop hurting me and other people" talks with him over and over, and I'm tired of it. I'm his kid. He should be good to me. If he's been sober for 9 months, I would have expected him to treat me better, but even in sobriety he doesn't return my phone calls or e-mails unless it's on his terms.

I'm tired of scolding him, I'm tired of him hurting me, I don't want to lie to the loan agency, but I don't want to keep him from getting better, either. This truck would help him commute to work, and he hasn't had a job in a couple of years. (He screwed up his last job because of repeated alcohol-related offenses and finally messed up too bad to ever go back.) I know the obvious answer is "Talk to him," but I'm so tired of doing that. I just want to scream, curse, ask why he would treat me like this -- only contact me when he needs something, then ask me to lie for him. Heck, he didn't even ask!! I just got that phone call out of the blue! And he knew he was about to apply for an auto loan 'cause he told me about it while we were talking three days ago, so he could have asked...

So now what?

[luvmykids623]

First I'm soooo sorry you have to deal with this. Having a parent with an addiction is the worst. My father has been a raging alcoholic since before I was born. He has caused so much heartache and pain that I try not to think about it. He was incredibly abusive when I was a child. He's another one who likes to drive drunk. A few months after DS was born my mom called me to tell me that he had gone to the bar around the corner after he was already drunk. (It's really hard to tell he's drunk if you don't know him, because he's so good at it.) The bar continued to serve him unknowingly, and when he left he hit 5 cars, one with 2 pregnant women in it. The bar got fined $10,000 for serving him even though it wasn't their fault, and one of the women went into premature labor and delivered her twins early. I can't even tell you how angry I was and how badly I'd wished they had the death penalty for things like this. Instead he got 18 months probation and got off in 12 for "good behavior." He didn't drink a drop during his probation time, but the ink wasn't even dry on the good behavior papers and he had a beer in his hand. In the last few years he's started abusing prescription pills, and intentionally overdosed on 120 Hydrocodone during a suicide attempt the day of DD's birthday party last May. My sister found him and called 911. I know I'm going to hell for saying this, but some times I wish she didn't. Anyway, I wanted you to know that I understand where you're coming from. If it were me I wouldn't give him the reference unless he specifically asked for it. Right now he's using you, and he's done enough of that. I would have a hard time doing it even if he asked, but then again I would have the same thoughts about "what if I'm hindering his recovery?" It's a tough place to be in. If he really wants your help he should be man enough to ask for it and let you make a decision from there. Again, I'm sooooo sorry you have to be in this situation!

[ohnicole]

I'm so sorry, Erin I agree that your dad has been using you. He's been thinking of nothing but himself- it sounds like he has that mindset even when he's sober. It's one thing to quit drinking for a while, but it's another thing to really believe that he is not the center of the world. I think you're right to be angry, and I think the best thing for you would be to really just say enough is enough. He can have a relationship with you when he can have a relationship. I know it's hard to be tough with family, though, so whatever you can manage is good enough, Erin. Huge hugs!

[mmllhh]

I think that the best you can do for yourself and for him is nothing. Don't give him a reference, don't call him and don't let him in your life. It's hard to do, i know, but tough love is the way to go on this one.

[SillyKitty]

I'm so sorry, Erin. Both of my uncles are like that, except with drugs. My experience is that when they are still abusing at that age, they are probably never going to change. I would not give him a reference, and leave it at that. *hugs*

[Cait&AngelAbove]

I am sorry Erin. You have all right to be angry. I would not give him the reference if I were you. **big hug**

[Shadeauxe]

I am joining in the chorus. If he can't talk to you about it himself, he really doesn't deserve it. I've had numerous alcoholics in my family (not to this extreme), and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. You yourself told him he had to choose in or out and to commit to proving himself to you. He hasn't lived up to his side, so he hasn't earned anything yet.

[missy123]

Wow, I could have written most of that myself. The last time I spoke to my father, he wanted to borrow money because the IRS was after him for back taxes. That was 8 years ago and I just got so sick of it all.

You are better than this - and just because he is your father don't think for a second that you owe him sh*% because you don't.

Love yourself enough to walk away... I have no regrets. I decided to surround myself with people that love me for me no matter what and it was a very good thing.

[ashj_1218]

I am so sorry you have been dealing with this for so long. It hurts to have people who take advantage and are selfish. I don't have any way of knowing what that feels like, we have no alcoholics in my family. BUT, I am an Addictions Couselor by trade and I can "suggest" what the other ladies said. He needs to stand on his own two feet and own up to his mistakes before he is going to truly achieve recovery. Chances are that IF he is clean now, it won't be for long. His behavior is saying he is NOT clean and sober, or at least is a dry drunk for now. And that never lasts. So, for your sanity and your relationship (even though it doesn't feel like it right now), do not give a reference. That makes you an enabler, in a protracted sense (since it obviously is not directly related). But he is not taking responsibility for his behavior, which will eventually lead him right back to the place he was been ten times before. Again, I am so sorry, I watch what this does to families and it SUCKS.

[j&jmom]

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. My mother-in-law has given our name to people on loans before without telling us and her husband has used us as references to try to get jobs. I'm pretty sure my mil has some undiagnosed mental illness and her dh is just an idiot. They can't hold down jobs and so they never have money. We were afraid to show her our new house because then she might start thinking we have enough money or enough room for them to move in . . . which they did try once when they were "visiting" and never left at our old house. But anyway, dh has told her several times that we don't want any part in her loans and not to use us as a reference so when companies call us we tell the people calling that we tell them the same thing. I don't know why they keep doing it, but hopefully someday they will learn. Good luck with your decision. I think if you put you and your family first, your doing what is right.

[StaceygirlPa]

Erin, I am so sorry you are going through this. I undestand where you are coming from. My dad was alcoholic. My dad used to abuse me and my mom when he got drunk. It is mean to say but when he passed away I didn't shed a tear. There was no love left for him.

I agree with Missy

Love yourself enough to walk away... I have no regrets. I decided to surround myself with people that love me for me no matter what and it was a very good thing.

.

After my dad passed away I cut my dad's side of the family out because they were to draining which included 4 step sisters and 1 step brother. When my mom passed away I also cut her side of the family out. All of them were users and control freaks. After I cut my mom's family out I felt a lot better.

[Erin84]

I'm sorry, I read through all of these, I just don't have much "oomph" left to reply. I agree with not calling back the loan agency, and if he really wants it, then he can talk to me about it. Of course I didn't hear from Saturday (the day I got the call from the agency) or Sunday or so far today. **** him.

**** my whole sick stupid life. Off to therapy I go.

PS - AF is due in 2 days, so I'm not a happy camper right now. Pretty positive I'm out, my body's just been too sick for too long, my fever's been too high (up in the 102 range once I get up and start moving around for the day), neg EPT this morning at 11dpo, but it's okay. I just need to go hide in a corner and be angry. Oh yeah, and study. Stupid dad and stupid fever...

[ohnicole]

Erin, I'm so sorry about everything

[SillyKitty]

(((hugs))) Erin.

[TnPhotoMama81]

Erin, I am so sorry so many things are going wrong for you

My husbands mom is an alcoholic. I have never been around alcoholics before so I am still kind of naive about some of the things she does. It is really frustrating.

I hate that you haven't gotten your bfp I know how hard it is to be so hopeful and feel like it is your month and then be let down.

[StaceygirlPa]

Erin, I am so sorry you are going through everything. I wish I could hug you in person. It is so hard when family lets us down.

[*SamF*]

Just wanted to add my