[JesSsica]

Ok, I'm a planner, plain and simple. I like to know what comes next. I save money, I pay off debt, I plan ahead for things with my kids, I'm basically NOT a spontaneous person. That said, this "on hold" for TTC thing because of outside forces is going to send me to the looney bin I swear!!!!

If you've read anything I've posted, I've mentioned before that we're on hold since my last m/c because we're trying to sell my house from before my dh and I got married. Financially it would be stupid to get pregnant while we have two mortgages plain and simple. We decided last May that we would be on hold until first we sold my house and second I got skinny for my 20 year class reunion (this coming August).

In the meantime I've lost 23lbs (only 15 to go until my goal weight) but my house is still sitting dormant in this stagnant market. It's been on the market since September of '09. No offers, no interest. Well I take that back, we had some HUGE interest from one couple but they hadn't been to a bank and when they did, they were told to clean up their credit for a year. *sigh*

I've been handling this, I really have. I'm not fixated on my losses-- I'm all healed up so to speak. That said, I'm so sick and tired of thinking about whether or not to TTC. On one hand a baby is wonderful. Bonding our family with a baby that would be from Pat and I and would be the sibling of my kids (from my first marriage) would be wonderful. BUT I work full time, we have two mortages, my kids are getting older, and do we really want to start over when we're spoiled enough to have every other weekend and Tuesday nights to ourselves? Do we really want to give that up?

I've been obsessing about this for a year and a half and I want it to leave my bedroom if that makes any sense. We use condoms. That means that every month when I O I think "what if". I try everything to get him to NOT put the condom on. Every month he does. It always hurts my feelings when he does but then the next minute if he acts like he's not going to to use one I freak out and think, "My life is so easy now, I don't want to ruin this" and I have him put one on. It's driving me crazy to have the power in our hands month after month.

The problem is that I was a SAHM with my first two kids. My marriage fell apart when they were very, very young and I ended up going back to work full time when they were two and 3 1/2. I would have never chosen that. Now, six years into this, they don't remember life with me home. I do though.

Since I was home with my first two, I'd want to be home with a new baby. At least until the baby was closer to two or so. With my current job it's full time or nothing and I make decent money. With us having two mortgages it's full time or nothing.

As you can see if you're still reading this (LOL) I'm sooooooooooooooo conflicted.

The reason I'm obsessing about this today is that my dh and I went out for lunch for Valentine's day and came home and split a bottle of wine. We ended up in bed, I'm ovulating, and when he stopped to put on the condom it upset me. I told him I wanted him to have a vasectomy. I told him this the other day and he just ignored it.

Afterwards we ended up having a long talk about why I think this. I told him I'm over this. I'm sick of thinking abou it. I'm tired of over-thinking whether or not to have a baby. He's going to be 47and I'm going to be 38 in April. I don't want to be 40 and having a baby since the kids are already almost 9 and going to be 11 this year. Every year we wait is another year that the kids will be out of the house sooner in a baby's life. I went on and on.

I ended up crying. He asked me how bad I want a baby and if this means I just want to try now. I told him no. I don't want to work full time and have a baby. I don't know if I really want one. In an ideal world I would have a baby and stay home with the baby for a few years. That's not possible. I told him if I have to work full time I have no interest in handing a baby over to a daycare provider. It's not that I think it's wrong (my kids are in full time daycare before/after school and during the summer) it's just that I had that time with my first two, I would want that time with a new baby, know what I mean?

He hugged me and told me we'd figure it out. I think deep down he wants a baby. I just don't know that I totally and completely do. I'm so absolutely sick and tired of obsessing about it and if he'd just get snipped then this HUGE life changing decision would just disappear and all of my stress would go away.

Man. I'm so over this and I really, really appreciate anyone who has made it through this way-too-long-whoa-is-me post. *sigh*

[Im.Nayomi]

Letting you know I read this. I hope peace comes to you very soon.

[angel3y35]

I hope you come to peace with whatever decision you make. I waffle back and forth all the time about it and we don't have any kids, so you're not alone.

[Grace]

I just wanted you know that I read your post and even though I dont have some wonderful advice, I did want to say that I made a huge choice 6 years ago and decided to not worry about babies anymore (that choice wasnt all my own) so I got my tubes tied. I can tell you it was a bad choice, right after that I got divorced and 2 years later married my now dh who has no children. I spent so much time being sad about not being able to have kids again, it wasnt a choice of not wearing condoms anymore and get pg, now it was IVF or surgery and I didnt have the money for the surgery.
Well thank the Lord last year my prayers were answered and I had the money for the reversal, had the surgery and everyhting went great. What im saying is I know you are under a lot of stress, but dont let your dh get the V until you and him are really sure.
With my pregnancies in the past I can tell you that they never came at the perfect timing, but they came when it was meant to be and everything worked out perfectly. I think if you decide you are ready, everything else will fall into place. I hope I am making you feel better, im not trying to make you feel worse. Anyways, I hope things go the way you want them too, and If you decide to have a baby later on, I wish you a happy healthy pregnancy.

[missy123]

I read what you wrote - twice.


First you need to decide if YOU want a baby. Then we can go from there. You are flip flopping with your own head and trying to solve the whole puzzle at once instead of piece by piece.

Step 1 - Jessica, do you want to have a baby with Pat?

[skittle2011]

Hi Jess - I know we have talked about this before, and I actually think I was asking you the same question. I too am extremely sick of having this month to month decision to make. Looking at both outcomes - new baby or no new baby - I find pros and cons of both. I work full time and my life is easier now that my kids are older. Yet having a glimpse of my third baby (before the loss) has given me that fullfilment in my heart and a complete family.

I often wonder - when do people call it quits and are they ok with it? I wish I had advice, but still seem to be in the same place... I do believe that when you figure it out - it will be right! Best of luck!

[Cait&AngelAbove]

I do not have any experience with what you are going through so I do not really have any advice. But I do want to say that I hope you find peace and that one option baby or no baby just lightbulbs itself. I do agree with though with ladies above me: do you want a baby with Pat?

[.:Shortcake:.]

I agree with Missy. I think first you need to decide if you want to have a child with your now DH.

Nothing is ever going to be a perfect time. And honestly once your child is here I highly doubt your going to remember the reasons for wanting a perfect time or things to be perfect.

I hope you figure out what you want.

[ohnicole]

I'm so sorry that this is all so stressful. I know that worrying about whether you're trying or not and whether DH wants to try or not is so frustrating. I can totally understand wanting to just take the decision away so that the stress will go away. But I agree with the other girls that if you really do want a baby, you will be in more stress after a 'permanent' decision like a vasectomy than you are now. As hard as it is, I think you really need to be sure that you are 100% done with trying before you make that decision. Huge hugs- life is just so hard sometimes

[Joanna1127]

Just want you to know that I read this and am thinking of you. I hope you are able to come to a decision soon.

[SillyKitty]

I can relate to your story in many ways. You ultimately have to make a decision, but of course you want to put much thought into it before doing anything permanent. Let me tell you a little about how I came to be where I am, to see if it helps or not.

My dh and I have two daughters, ages 18 and 7 (will be 19 and 8 this year). Since we got together, we always thought we would have 3 children. However, after our 2nd daughter was born I was still in school and we were too tight on money to even think about another. Once I was finally out of school, I was starting my new job and still paying back loans, so still not a good time. A couple years ago, while dealing with my teenage daughter and also enjoying some freedom of having school age children, I decided that I didn't want #3, and my dh supported the decision. Even a year ago when a friend told me she was pregnant, I didn't envy her at all. I thought of everything she was giving up now that her children were older. Then suddenly last summer I started thinking about a baby again. I don't know what triggered it- perhaps my older daughter leaving for college, or my friend being pregnant, but I started worrying that I would regret not going for #3 down the road. I did some heart searching and realized that 10 or 20 years down the road I would probably regret not at least trying for #3. So I talked to dh and I went off the pill, and decided to ntnp.

However, about two weeks after I went off the pill, I freaked out and started questioning this decision again. I went through all the same thoughts that you are going through- did I really want to give up my sleeping in on the weekends and all the other freedoms that come when you don't have an infant or toddler in the house? How in the world were we going to afford this when I'm still paying off my student loans? I work full time and have no choice but to continue to do so, because I make over twice as much as my dh. My baby would definitely have to go into daycare by 2.5 months. So I told my dh that I didn't think I could do it, and he was supportive of what I wanted. I knew in my heart that he really wanted another, so I felt a little guilty, but he was good at being supportive and didn't pressure me at all. I then talked to my friend that was pregnant, and that conversation changed my mind. Like me, she is a professional that is the primary bread winner in her family and can't leave her job. Like me, her kids are older and she was past the baby stage. She initially got pregnant with an "oops" last year, but then had a miscarriage. When she was first pregnant, she was freaking out about finances, starting over again, etc. When she miscarried she was shocked that she felt sad. They weren't sure if they were going to try again, but then they got pregnant again. She was mid-way through her pregnancy when I talked to her, and she reminded me that there was never a perfect time to have a baby. I look back on my life, and that is totally true. We had our first daughter straight out of high school and were dirt poor, but somehow we made it and actually did pretty well. We have shown that we can make it work when it seems impossible to look ahead. Ultimately, I set aside the worries about working, starting over, daycare, etc., and focused on how I would feel in 20 or 30 years. Would I feel happy that we didn't try for #3, or would I regret it? I knew I would regret it, and I especially knew that my dh would always wonder, although I knew he wouldn't hold a grudge.

So, ultimately you need to ask yourself if you would have regrets down the road, or if you would never think about it again. You also need to think of your dh- from what I read, he doesn't have children of his own? Even if he feels that your kids are his own, would he always wonder what it would have been like to have one of his own, or will he be o.k.? If you can't honestly answer those questions right now, don't do anything permanent. If you are not ready to move forward yet, perhaps you could have an IUD implanted so that you don't have to worry about condoms each month.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck and peace with your decision.

[AZsnowflake]

It sounds like you are very conflicted about everything, so I wouldn't make any permanent decisions right now about TTC or having your DH get a vasectomy! It can be rough thinking about the what ifs and the money, if you can afford to have two mortgages and a baby, then I'd say do it even if money is tight because it seems to be what you want. If you are stuck with the decision of working full time and having a baby or not having a baby at all because you won't settle for anything other then being a SAHM, ask yourself if the most important thing is having a baby or being a SAHM to the baby...would you regret it if you didn't TTC simply because you wouldn't be able to be a SAHM? If the answer is yes, I think you just need to go for it. Good luck with your decision!

[JesSsica]

Thank you all for the great perspective! I really appreciate it.

This is where the confusion lies and I have asked myself those same questions SO many times. I too had an oops pregnancy. We weren't in the baby mode at all. When I lost that pregnancy I too was sad and wanted nothing more than to pick up where I left off... then two more losses happened. I totally and completely talked myself out of a baby.

I have wondered so many times, is it a baby I want? Or do I just want to finish what I started with my pregnancies? I don't know. I do have to say I would LOVE to see my dh become a daddy to a newborn though...

If life were different and I didn't have to work I would answer, yes, I want to have a baby with my dh. No questions asked.

With life as it is, with me working, and knowing how life was getting my two kids through their baby years not working, would I want to have a baby with my dh? Probably not.

It's sad to think that this plays such a big part but it does.

I think my dh wants a baby. I told him when we got married that I would never tell him no. He's wanting to sell my house before we even think about it. I'm starting to feel that if he wants one, let's do this. If he doesn't, let's fix this forever so we don't have an oops when he's in his fifties. LOL I'm getting antsy waiting and going through this over and over in my head.

I think I'm feeling selfish and I want all or nothing. That said, would a baby be fine if I worked... probably.

I need a crystal ball so if anyone has one I'll trade one of my mortgages for it! LOL

[.:Shortcake:.]

Here's my perspective... I know you want to sell the house but what's the harm in getting pregnant now and still selling the house. Of course you will have at least 9 months to sell it and if nothing else right before the baby would come lower the asking price to make sure it is sold. But I honestly think you and DH need to sit down and decide what you want to do now before you drive a wedge in your relationship. Hugs!