[StaceygirlPa]

As most of you are aware my MIL and I don't get a long. She lives with us. Dh's mom is in her 70's. She does have health problems but she is capable of taking care of herself if she wanted to. She wont take a shower unless dh's one sister gives her a shower. She wont change her pull up's unless you tell her to change her pull up's. She wont take her medication and insulin like she is supposed to. She does nothing. She wakes up eats a little breakfast then goes to her chair and sits the rest of the day in her chair and she wont move from that chair. Dh's sister's has deceided to put their mom in a assisted living home starting on Monday. As you can imagine Dh is really upset about this. He made a promise to his mom that he wouldn't put her in a home. He feels like he is letting her down. I tried to explain to him that this really isn't a home. It is like an apartment. She will have her own room. There are a lot of activities that she can attend if she wants. She will be able to meet people her own age. If Dh's mom gives this a chance I think she will be a lot happier. I know I couldn't handle living the way she is. Sitting in that chair day in and day out would drive me crazy. I don't know how to help him through this.

His sister's and I all agree it is time for Dh to have his own life. Since Dh was in his 20's he has been taking care of a parent. When his dad got real sick he moved back home to be with his parents to take care of his dad. He took care of his dad until he passed away couple of years ago. Now he is taking care of his mom.

I feel bad because yes I am happy she is going to be moving out of the house and we can finally have a regular marriage and just be by ourselves. I also feel like this will be a good move for her and give her a chance of a normal life. I guilty since I am happy that she will be moving out.

Any advice on how to help Dh get through will help. Sorry this post was long.

[missy123]

I have a lot to say about this Stacey because my mom took care of my dad's mother for many years. This is going to sound horrible but it was almost a relief when she passed away. (I will elaborate more later)

How does your mother in law feel about going to the assisted living facility?

[*SamF*]

Has your MIL ever been checked for depression?

I have gone through this to a point, my ex-MIL lived with us for 7 years. (I left before she did)

I think getting DH to go look at the assisted living place, and see that she will have more privacy and freedom there. She will be around other people which has to be good for her,a s it sounds like she is pretty isolated now.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Stacey I am sorry you guys are being put in the tough spot that you have to make this choice. I think you should have you all (You, DH, his sister & mom) should all sit down and talk and maybe if she is accepting of it your DH will be too. I can't imagine having to make that decision.

[StaceygirlPa]

Missy, Dh's mom has the beginning of alzheimer's so she really isn't capable of making any decision's this big on her own. Like any older person she really doesn't want to leave her home. They all have told her that has to try it out for at least 2 months then if she doesn't like it we will bring her back home.

Sam, She hasn't been checked for depression but she is depressed. She misses dh's dad so much. I know in some ways she has given up. I think by her moving to this home and meeting people her own age she might not be so depressed. We live out in the country so there isn't really that many people around us. We offer to drive her places to just get her out of the house but she wont go. I have asked Dh to go look where she will be staying and refusses to go look. Right now he just feels so bad.

[StaceygirlPa]

Thank you Katie. Dh did agree that he thinks it will be better for her. He just feels bad because he promised her he would never put her in a home. He never put his dad in a home which is making him feel even worse. Although everyone in the family agreed that they would not put his mom in a home (full care facility). When his dad got sick he would have needed a full care facility. So Dh took care of his dad at home. Dh's mom is capable of moving around and taking care of herself. That is why they deceided to put her in assisted living home. They have also told her that if she gets wrose that we would bring her back home.

[.:Shortcake:.]

I think it's just going to take time for everyone. Just be there as much as you can for him.

[StaceygirlPa]

Dh's sister is going to take his mom away for the weekend so they can pack up her room. I plan on spending as much time with him as I can this weekend. As much as I miss my mom I am happy I didn't have to make this choice.

[missy123]

At the same time Stacey - you deserve a life of your own with your husband.

My grandmother pretty much sucked the life out of my mom for years. She fought against going to assisted living and made my dad feel guilty for moving her there. She played mind games with my parents and for 15 years my mom went to the home everyday to help take care of her. Because she wanted to make my dad feel guilty, she refused to get involved with any of the activities or make any friends. She would sit in her room and not get dressed or go to the dining hall to eat or anything unless my mom or dad was there. Then once the altimers set in she would call my moms house and leave nasty messages like "you let me rot in here", "you don't care about me" and she went as far as calling 911 on my mother for abuse. My mom had to prove she was not abusing her and could not go visit her without an escort for a few months until it was all ironed out. And then she complained that my mom wasn't spending enough time with her.

With all this said, my grandmother was a good woman. She changed when my grandfather died in an accident and I honestly think she just did not want to live without him. The dimentia and altimers just added fuel to all of it and my mother did everything she could for the woman but the last 8 years was such a mess.

I understand the devotion to taking care of your parents but at the same time you need that life of your own, that time to be happy as well. It is a hard decision to move your mother in law but I have seen first hand what it does to people. There is no right or wrong answer here - as a family you need to do what works for all of you.

[StaceygirlPa]

Missy, I think in a lot of ways Dh's mom has given up which is why I think this will be good for. I think if she gives this a chance she will meet people her own age and she can do different things. Dh just called. He said that his mom seems to be ok. She is mad that his sisters are making her go. Dh said that he thinks his mom wants to go since she really isn't fighting but she is scared to go. Dh's mom will have her own cable. We aren't allowing her to have a phone because we don't want her to call the house at all hours.

Missy, I am so sorry your mom went through all that.

[Erin84]

From what you've said in different posts in this thread, it sounds like he's coming around and accepting things, but this will be a slow, long process, especially when he said he thinks she wants to go but she's scared and that's why she's acting out a little. This will be a HARD thing for him to accept, but he appears to be working on it. I don't really have any other advice, just that I hope he will go up there soon to check the place out, and that he visits her a lot and goes for meals, etc. She definitely needs to become active in the community, so having family members go do things with her (like take her to Bingo or whatever) AT THE BEGINNING will help set the right pattern. If she gets in a habit of sitting in her room at first, people will have to help her break that habit... But if she sees that the activities and people are enjoyable, then being active will be her habit.

I'm happy the two of you get to be a normal married couple finally. Don't feel guilty for thinking that way. Or do, if you want, but allow it to be a phase you work through. You and DH are both going to have to make emotional adjustments in this process, and if guilt is something you need to work through, don't be scared of embracing it, feeling it, and wading through it as you come to your final, guilt-free conclusion.

I would love an update about what the facility is like, what kind of activities they have, etc. And I really like that you guys said she just needs to try it for a couple of months, because that takes some of the fear out of it for her. I hope she comes to enjoy it. It's got to be scary for her as well, but everybody's going to work through this in their own time and their own ways and come out better in the end -- right now is just a little mucky.

Geez, for saying I didn't really have anything to say, there's sure a lot typed here... Sorry, I went off rambling down some random path.

[ohnicole]

I so sorry that you are going through all this, Stacey

Caring for a loved one is so unbelievably difficult, especially when it ends up being a responsibility for a large part of your life. Not only is it mentally and emotionally hard, but it comes with so much guilt. It feels like you're never doing enough, and if you take any time to consider your needs first, it feels like you are being neglectful.

I think that if everyone thinks that this is best, then it really is for the best, even if it's hard in the short term. Hopefully your DH will come to more peace with the situation over time. I hope that things go smoothly

[Cait&AngelAbove]

Stacey I am sorry that you guys have to make this tough decision. My great grandmother sucked the life out of my grandmother. It got to the point where my grandmother was hating her mother because it was tearing she and my grandfather apart. My great grandmother kept falling and they could never leave her alone. They put her in a home and she fought it but it was for the best. I hope DH continues to come around and that your MIL does better there.

[missy123]

This brings up a whole different subject - I have made it very clear to my entire family that I do not want to be a burden. If I get altimers then put me away and don't come back. At that point I won't remember anyway and I don't want them to go through what my mom/dad did. Now my dad says come change his diaper so everyone feels differently about it but at least we know what our wishes are now.

Stacey - Many hugs and much love to you during this time. Keep us updated - we are here for you. I really, really hope it all works out great and she makes a friend (or 10) and finds some fun while there. The homes I have been to were full of fun activities.

[StaceygirlPa]

Thank you everyone for your surport. Your surport means a lot to me. I finally had a chance to sit down and talk to Dh's mom yesterday while everyone was out of the house. She said that she is willing to try it. She is just scared which I can totally understand. She said that she is really hurt because Dh's sister's went behind her back and did all of this. I explained to her that they just want the best for her and for her to have a chance of a life again. I also reminded her that she can come back if she wants but she has to give it a chance. One minute she is very accepting of going then once minute you can see where she is cared. She also said last night that she already knows some people there. The room they picked out for her sounds really nice. She has own private room, private bathroom. Her room is in the newer part and close to all the activties which is nice. One good thing about the home is it's not that far from where we live. All of us go by it everyday on the way to work or our way home so I am sure she will be getting a lot of vistors.

I didn't get a chance to talk to Dh anymore until we both woke up around 4 am and we talked some. He understands it is the best for his mom. He is mad at both of his sisters on how they went about doing it. He says he is going to miss having his mom around. I understand that. Erin, you are right it's going to be adjustment for everyone. Dh and I never really had a regular relationship or marriage. When we were dating it was me who was really taking care of a parent. During the time we have been married it has been him taking care of a parent. My main goal is to keep Dh talking. He likes to shut the door on me sometimes. After Dh's dad passed away he drank way to much. After he met me he has almost stopped. Although if something bothers him then he tends to drink to much so I am working to make sure that doesn't happen.

I am sorry this post is long again. Thank for much for listening to me and helping me. As most of you are aware March is a bad month for me anyways.

[missy123]

I just want to give you hugs Stacey. It sounds like everything is headed in the right direction and at least she is open to going there. I totally understand her fears, I would be scared too.

[luvmykids623]

You've gotten really great advice, and I don't have much more to add. I just wanted to offer ((((((((HUGS))))))))) and say that I hope the transition goes as smoothly as possible for all of you. I hope your MIL gets involved in lots of the activities, makes lots of friends, and is able to come out of the depression that she's been in. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

[StaceygirlPa]

Trying to hide out upstairs for awhile. They are taking down Dh's mom's bed and packing some of her stuff up. Yesterday she was fine but today she seems to be giving everyone the guilt trip. I think the guilt trip is bothering Dh. I just sent him with the bed so he wont be home for a little bit. I know she is scared. I just hope she gives this a chance. Last night being by ourselves was so nice. We had a chance to talk without anyone listening and just relaxing.

[missy123]

Stay strong Stacey. This isn't going to be easy, just be as supportive as you can of DH. I am glad you had a nice night together - that is what the honeymoon stage of marriage is supposed to be.

[StaceygirlPa]

You made me smile Missy. I think by him being out of the house for a little bit while the one sister helps packs the clothes and things will help. Tomorrow for the actual move he will be at a class all day so he will be busy. I just hope the one sister takes their mom again for the one night. I think that will work out for everyone.