Please tell me I am not the most evil selfish woman on this earth?? please??!!!

okiliz · #1 March 13th, 2011, 10:57 PM

Ok girls.. This is mainly a vent... it may be long.. and may ramble... but I know all of you will understand to a degree.. So.. let me put my evil selfish drama queen hat on.. ohh and step on my self centered sparkle soap box ( with built spot light) ..
Well.. we are stationed in Japan... So our weekend was kind of.. messy... We were ok.. on lock down most of the weekend, however not much if any damage was done to where we are.. However.. I feel evil... I just got the call that due to Hubby's job , he has been selected to deploy on a rescue/humanitarian mission on the mainland... Ok.. now... cool.. I love my husband and I am so proud that he is able to do this and be there to help... but due to his job ... he is not going to be in a safe area( if any of it is really safe) ... We have all heard about the nuclear power plant meltdowns.... ( I'll leave it at that) Now I know that there is some protection... but.. up until now we have had issues getting pregnant because of ME we lost the twins because of ME.. they say we don't really know why.., the genetics were clean and normal.. but deep down I know it was somehow something to do with me.. what if he goes there and the radiation does something to his sperm and thats it? what if he will have issues in that area? Does that make me evil that I am worried about that? Also, I was supposed to do an IUI last month but I stopped treatment mid cycle because the DR made me mad.. I know I ovulated at some point but I am 99% sure I did not get pregnant... I figured I would lose some weight( goal was 30-40 pounds ) try again in 3-4 months, so one more time, right before we left Japan with fertility help and then if I did not get pregnant that time, once we got back to the states , get another referral to an RE in north carolina and start again there with more agressive treatment... the only was I was able to do that was that we would be able to try on our own while I was losing weight, ( won't be able to now because he is leaving on this mission) and then I would be able to do one last try before we leave with the MA treatment(Might not be able to do that now because of this mission ) BUT WAIT, we do have (2) precious vials of perfect frozen spermies at the fertility treatment center , with doctor, you are too fat to be a mommy , you american cow , but we don't know how they will defrost, they may defrost perfect , they may defrost badly , in which case they would have to use both , meaning we would only have 1 sample ... We don't have money to do IVF, the military does not pay that well :-)... They said best case he will be gone 30 ish days worst case 120 days.. we were supposed to leave in 120 days ..
holy crap... I feel bad for the people of Japan.. But am I the most evil selfish woman you have ever heard of to be thinking right now.. I just want a baby... what if this means I won't be able to have another baby with my husband.. I don't want to wait?? girls please calm me down...

.:Shortcake:. · #2 March 14th, 2011, 03:22 AM

Hugs! You are not an evil person. I think after all we have been through it's natural to want to have a child no matter what the circumstances are. What a wonderful DH you have to be going to help others.

StaceygirlPa · #3 March 14th, 2011, 03:24 AM

I don't think you are selfish. I have been thinking about you and wondering how you have been. I knew you were based in Japen. I would be worried about the risk also if I was trying. Good Luck with everything.

Shadeauxe · #4 March 14th, 2011, 04:03 AM

Sperm is not like eggs. We are born with all the eggs we will ever have in our lifetimes. Sperm are made every day. Worst case scenario, it would take three months to get new sperm.

okiliz · #5 March 14th, 2011, 06:23 AM

Thanks guys... I did not even think about him having the ability to make new sperm... I just know that they had been told that men in the military with his job have less of a chance to have boys due to the exposure to certain things including radiation... I mean, the twins I lost were both boys , so it's not 100% but then.. this will be more radiation then ever.. for my husband at least... So I was like.. you know, boys or girl, I just want a baby ... but if too much damage is done and no babies were possible I know it would be... just.. devistating... The whole thing just sucks... besides that, he just got back like 3 weeks ago... I know other people need his help too... we talked when he got home from work tonight and he was very very supportive of me trying a frozen IUI cycle in June ... I'm just sooo... bummed... ahhh well... but I swear.. if one anti american protester says anything to me or my car or kids while hubby is gone, forgive me for the sterotype but I will go texas on them !!

pepper73 · #6 March 14th, 2011, 06:32 AM

First off, I'm glad you all are safe. What a scary and devastating situation! Second, I don't think you're selfish at all. I think it's a normal reaction and I would be feeling the same if I were in your shoes.

*SamF* · #7 March 14th, 2011, 06:53 AM

Ditto tot the others, you are not selfish, just human.

Erin84 · #8 March 14th, 2011, 12:32 PM

That's not selfish at all

If, however, that feeling creeps back in, you can always do other things to help keep it at bay

I'm sure there are a lot of women out there in Oki missing their husbands, little ones missing their mommies -- you could always bake cookies and hand them out! Maybe you could even make some new friends that way! You can get the plastic baggie-type packages of Betty Crocker for something like $1 each I think, and the baking might help you keep your mind off things, at least a little bit. I'll be thinking of you guys <3

Shadeauxe · #9 March 14th, 2011, 12:41 PM

Awesome ideas, Erin!

.:Shortcake:. · #10 March 14th, 2011, 12:48 PM

Agree what a wonderful idea Erin!

Cait&AngelAbove · #11 March 14th, 2011, 02:34 PM

You are not selfish or evil. You just want a baby and there is nothing wrong with that.

TnPhotoMama81 · #12 March 14th, 2011, 04:44 PM

I have to agree with others. I don't think it is selfish...you are human and it is natural to have those kinds of feelings.

If he does have to go...I hope he will not be gone long *hugs*

missy123 · #13 March 14th, 2011, 06:41 PM

Can they freeze a sperm sample for you before he leaves? I do not think you are selfish at all. ((Hugs))

okiliz · #14 March 14th, 2011, 09:38 PM

We did freeze a sample late last year but.. it only gave us two samples and we don't have time to do another deposit before he goes .. So I have enough for one more cycle... We are supposed to leave in 120 days he may be gone 90 days.... I am hoping he is only gone 31 days :-) .. I'm sure Erin understands why I say 31 and not 30 hahaha Thanks for the support guys , it really means a lot !!!

.:Shortcake:. · #15 March 15th, 2011, 03:25 AM

I hope he's not gone long as well

And we are here for you!

Banned-elly03 · #16 March 15th, 2011, 04:38 AM

*hugs* they are trying to send my husband and his soldiers to japan to help, even with a locked in deployment coming up. military is so sucky with its scheduling and timing!!! I hope he's only there for 30 days!