I feel like a monster

luvmykids623 · #1 March 16th, 2011, 03:22 AM

I've told you many times about the three coworkers, that are right across the hall from my classroom, that are due 2 days-2 weeks of when I was. I also told you about the one who didn't want anymore kids and assured me I wouldn't see any surprise bfps from her, and she wound up being due in October. I was gearing up for all of the preggos to be gone soon, and with her I had to start the whole watching from the sidelines process from the beginning. Two of my coworkers (the two that were due two days before me and two days after me) have gone out on maternity leave in the last few days. The feeling I've had is amazing. It is incredible knowing that they're home and healthy, but they're out of my face. Last night I found out that the one who is due in October lost the baby. My heart is broken for her. No one should have to know what this pain is like. But there is a small part of me that is relieved for me. I feel like a monster. DH was using my own logic trying to make me feel better. I've been saying this whole time with the other three that I'm not upset with them because they're pregnant and I'm not, but I'm devastated for me. He says that this is similar. I'm sad for my friend who lost her baby, but there's a small part that's relieved for me, that I don't have to watch it for the 4th time this year. It makes sense, but I still can't help feeling like I'm a monster.

Shadeauxe · #2 March 16th, 2011, 04:00 AM

You're not a monster. I do the same thing. I think it's part of being human.

StaceygirlPa · #3 March 16th, 2011, 04:12 AM

I think it is part of being human and having a loss.

.:Shortcake:. · #4 March 16th, 2011, 04:54 AM

I agree with the other ladies. Maybe you could reach out to her and tell her that if she needs to talk your there and you know what she is going through.

pepper73 · #5 March 16th, 2011, 05:18 AM

I absolutely agree with the others. Those are totally normal and understandable feelings. You are not a monster.

*SamF* · #6 March 16th, 2011, 06:48 AM

Agree with everyone it's being human and part of dealing with loss.

Shadeauxe · #7 March 16th, 2011, 07:08 AM

I just want to add that I applaud your courage in actually voicing this. It's something I've thought about with myself, but given that I am generally different in how I think than most people, I've never said anything.

I think it's probably as comforting for other people on here that you've said this as it will be for you when you read the responses.

Micksbabe · #8 March 16th, 2011, 07:17 AM

I have had thoughts when I find out someone I know is pregnant that, as much as I hope they never have to feel the pain of loss, they lose the baby so I don't have to hear about it

it sucks when you know you shouldn't feel that way but it is hard not to feel like WHY ME???

TnPhotoMama81 · #9 March 16th, 2011, 09:05 AM

I agree with everyone else. I think it is normal to have feelings like that.

Banned-elly03 · #10 March 16th, 2011, 10:08 AM

you are far from being a monster! You are a beautiful, emotional creature that we like to call Human. I can understand the feeling because the only pregnant lady I can handle is my husband's coworker. Because she is pregnant with twins, her husband is off thousands of miles away with the military, and shes scared (that was all me 1.5 years ago) the rest of them I don't even interact with because its so hard to watch them experience everything when I should be pregnant right along with them! My first EDD was bad, Im dreading the next two!

Cait&AngelAbove · #11 March 16th, 2011, 10:14 AM

I agree with the other ladies! It is normal to feel like that.

missy123 · #12 March 16th, 2011, 12:13 PM

You are far from being a monster. Try to give yourself a little break here. What you have/are going through they could never understand. It must be so freakin hard to have that in your face day in and day out. It would tear me up.

Tara_Rose · #13 March 16th, 2011, 12:21 PM

I agree with everyone, you are far from a monster. I'd probably cry everyday if i had to see someone growing a baby when i couldn't.

I had quite a few ill thoughts when I was in that situation and I guess these are just the things people are sometimes afraid to say.

luvmykids623 · #14 March 16th, 2011, 02:54 PM

Thank you so much ladies for the reassurance! I am definitely going to reach out to her when she comes back to work, and let her know I'm here to listen if she needs me. She knows about my losses, so hopefully I can help her at least a little.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shadeauxe

I just want to add that I applaud your courage in actually voicing this. It's something I've thought about with myself, but given that I am generally different in how I think than most people, I've never said anything.

I think it's probably as comforting for other people on here that you've said this as it will be for you when you read the responses.

Thank you! I was scared to death to post how I felt. I was afraid that I was going to come home to people agreeing that I am a monster, but I had to get it out. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has felt this way.

ohnicole · #15 March 16th, 2011, 04:50 PM

Lori, you are NOT a monster for feeling this way. It is grief, and sometimes it is ugly, but it comes from your love for your little beans. I'm glad that you are feeling a little better about it now

Quote:

Originally Posted by luvmykids623

I was afraid that I was going to come home to people agreeing that I am a monster,

Wait, you mean that cookie monster cake in your other post isn't a self portrait?