I guess my mom needed another angel with her. (m/c ment)

StaceygirlPa · #1 March 18th, 2011, 03:17 PM

Sorry ladies for not updating sooner. I needed sometime to gather my thoughts and emotions.

Warning! I hope this post don't offend anyone with what I am about to say. I am mad, hurt and I don't understand. These are just a few of the emotions I am feeling.

First let me say I love my Dh so much. As I was pulling into the parking lot I looked at the truck in front of me and it was him. He sneaked away from work to be with me. I don't know what I would have done without him there.

As the title states pumpkin didn't have a heartbeat. Pumpkin passed away sometime after the 1st u/s on Friday. There wasn't much growth from last week. You couldn't even make out pumpkin like you could last time. The tech told me she is sorry. I just started crying on the table and Dh came and gathered me in his arms.

The tech wanted me to talk to my ob but he left for the day. I had to talk to another doctor. While I was waiting for the doctor to talk to me about my options my ob's nurce came out. She looked at me and smiled. I just looked at her and Dh said it wasn't good. She immediately dropped what she was doing and came over and gave me a hug. I love my ob and my ob's nurse.

She sat with me while the doctor went over my options. I could do another d&c or I could take the cytotec. For some reason my doctor's office insert the cytotec for you. I deceided to have the d&c. No offence to anyone I don't think I could handle going through what Lindsey and other's one have went through. Also I don't want to see pumpkin. They called my ob and he is doing the d&c on Monday. I had to fill out all the paper work for the surgery.

Now this is the part that I don't want to offend anyone. I am very angry right now. With all the praying I did and with all the prayers everyone else has done how come this happened. I don't understand why God took pumpkin. Is God trying to tell me I wont be a good mom.

Right now I am done trying. I can't handle the this pain again. I can't handle seeing the pain in my dh's eyes.

I did ask my ob's nurse if my ob can run the blood work to see if I have any cloting disorders. We don't have a problem getting pregrant we have a problem staying pregrant. The nurse said she thinkgs he can run the blood work but they will wait until I have my follow up appointment in 4 weeks after the d&c.

There is no RE's around where I live. I will have to go to Hershey to see a RE. If I have to do that to try to get some answers I will.

I don't know if I will be around much. It hurts to much to think about it.

I am happy for everyone that get's their BFP's and I hope everyone has a H&H 9 months.

momof6lopez · #2 March 18th, 2011, 03:32 PM

Stacey, I replied to you in the Oct ddc, but this is home and I wanted you to know that your in my prayers, you and dh.

missy123 · #3 March 18th, 2011, 03:37 PM

I am so sorry Stacey... I am hurting right along with you. I am angry and mad as well. It is not fair.

Hugs honey, I love you.

AZsnowflake · #4 March 18th, 2011, 03:40 PM

Stacey I am so so so sorry for your loss. You're right, it ISN'T fair!!!

dreamer10 · #5 March 18th, 2011, 03:41 PM

I am so very sorry sweetie. I know how much pain you are going through...everything you describe reminds me of when I lost my sweet boy last october. His heart beat was just gone and I will never forget the pain I felt at that time. I also had a d&c so that I wouldnt have to go through a long m/c with lots of bleeding. I just wanted it over with.

Please know my heart and prayers are with you and your dh right now. God bless you and your family right now.

mom2moose · #6 March 18th, 2011, 03:45 PM

I am SO very sorry!

Sometimes, life is SO very unfair. There is no rhyme or reason to the way things happen. I also had a D&C, because I just wanted the pain to stop. I'll be thinking and praying for you and your husband. I'm so glad he was there with you today!

StaceygirlPa · #7 March 18th, 2011, 03:45 PM

I can't handle the pain. This pain is wrose then the last two m/c. I feel so lost. I am sorry I told Dh that he could go back to work. I keep asking why. What did I do wrong. I tried to do everything right this time.

.:Shortcake:. · #8 March 18th, 2011, 03:47 PM

Stacey I wish I could come give you a huge hug right now. I am so sorry your having to go through this once again. It's just not fair. I am so angry for you. I will never understand why the good people on this earth have to go through the pain of losing a baby or babies.

I know that right now you want to give up and that is understandable. I have been there myself many, many times. I know in my heart you are meant to be a mom and will be a mom. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of your baby. Don't make any rash decisions now because like you said you are angry and have every right to be. I would suggest going to see an RE. Even if that means traveling. Hershey is about 1 1/2 hours from me and I know they have WONDERFUL doctors.

If you need to talk, cry, rant, scream or just need someone to listen I'm here. I love you lady!

purplelady · #9 March 18th, 2011, 03:50 PM

again hunny i am so so very sorry for your loss. my heart hurts for you and i wish there was a way for me to take your pain away. hugs.

missy123 · #10 March 18th, 2011, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StaceygirlPa

I can't handle the pain. This pain is wrose then the last two m/c. I feel so lost. I am sorry I told Dh that he could go back to work. I keep asking why. What did I do wrong. I tried to do everything right this time.

YOU DID NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF.

You can howl, scream, get mad, cry, curse, bang your hands on your kitchen table but do not blame yourself. You did not do anything wrong.

Oh S*&) Stacey, I so wish I could take your pain away.

Keep talking here until DH gets home. You are not alone, we are here for you.

Dang....

PS. Can you have DH bring you home some Tylenol PM to help you sleep tonight? It has really helped me after my losses when I did not have any zanax around.

MeganMomof5 · #11 March 18th, 2011, 03:59 PM

Stacey, once again i'm so sorry this is happening to you right now

....I wanted to let you know that I felt the same way after my 3rd loss...It really is unfair

....I hope you can get some answers and in time go on to have your rainbow baby....Please know that you did nothing wrong...We are all here for you if you need anything (((hugs)))

Halfbaked · #12 March 18th, 2011, 04:00 PM

I am so sorry.

Please don't blame yourself. I felt the same way and had to have someone to blame, but please don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. Let everything out here. We all understand.

StaceygirlPa · #13 March 18th, 2011, 04:02 PM

Thank you everyone and thank you Missy. I never want to see that hurt in Dh's eyes again. I know it's not him that is the problem. It is me that is the problem.

I really hate March right now. I was supposed to have Peanut (the first lost) on March 11. I fine out on March 18th about Pumpkin. I have to have my d&c on Monday and Tuesday it will be a year when my mom passed away.

How do you not blame yourself when we don't have a problem getting pregrant. We have the problem staying pregrant.

Katie, I really love my ob and his nurse. His nurse stayed with me the whole time and I could tell she was upset. She held onto me while I cried. I am going to see if my ob can run the test to see why we can't stay pregrant. If he can't then I will go to Hershey to see an RE.

Cait&AngelAbove · #14 March 18th, 2011, 04:03 PM

Stacey I am so so so sorry! I am so hurt for you! You did nothing wrong at all. Please know that I am thinking about you!! I hope you are able to find some answers. I wish I could go and give you a giant hug!!!

luvmykids623 · #15 March 18th, 2011, 04:08 PM

Stacey I am so very, very sorry! Repeat after me... I DID NOTHING WRONG. I DID NOTHING WRONG. I DID NOTHING WRONG. You did not ask for this, and did nothing to contribute to it. Life sucks, it's so unfair, and I wish I could take the pain away! It's okay to be angry with God. Even if you're the type of person that normally believes that everything happens for a reason, it is impossible to find a reason for why something like this would happen, and especially more than once. I'm angry for you, and for all of us. This shouldn't happen. You will be an amazing mother. You really will. You are such a kind, compassionate, and loving soul. I am so sorry this keeps happening to you.

onedaysoon · #16 March 18th, 2011, 04:10 PM

OMG....this just kills me. It's so unfair, I'm so sorry. You did nothing wrong Stacey. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers tonight. I hope you can find some solace.

We love you...

missy123 · #17 March 18th, 2011, 04:13 PM

Did you see my note about the Tylenol PM?

ohnicole · #18 March 18th, 2011, 04:22 PM

Oh no, Stacey

I am so upset.... my heart is breaking for you, honey. And I am so mad at the universe for treating you so unfairly!!! You deserve so much happiness, and instead you keep getting more pain. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!

And Stacey, it is NOT your fault. NOT NOT NOT your fault. At all. No matter what. Even if it was some medical issue going on on your end... you didn't choose to have that happen, and you did nothing wrong to let it happen. Loss is beyond our control. Maybe that makes it harder, but you cannot shoulder any of the blame here.

missy123 · #19 March 18th, 2011, 04:25 PM

We love you Stacey!

StaceygirlPa · #20 March 18th, 2011, 04:28 PM

Thank you everyone. I have some Tylenol PM here. I am starting to cramp wrose also so I am going to take a pain pill after Dh gets home. Right now I just want to curl up in a ball. I really had a good feeling about this one. How can I get my hopes up so high to just be knocked down.