Love you Stacey!

.:Shortcake:. · #1 March 19th, 2011, 05:30 AM

We are here for you. Stay strong even though I know how hard it is.

ohnicole · #2 March 19th, 2011, 06:31 AM

We love you!

j&jmom · #3 March 19th, 2011, 06:40 AM

lindsey2000k · #4 March 19th, 2011, 06:45 AM

DITTO.
I am living you pain right now and I am so sorry someone else has to go through this.
IT IS JUST NOT FAIR!!!!

missy123 · #5 March 19th, 2011, 07:20 AM

We love you lots. I know how hard this is but please don't leave us. or at least go to the PL board so we can be here for you.

luvmykids623 · #6 March 19th, 2011, 07:25 AM

We love you! My heart is breaking for you!

StaceygirlPa · #7 March 19th, 2011, 07:36 AM

Thank you ladies. Last night was a hard night. Dh got finally got home around 8:30. As soon as he walked in the door I just stared to cry. I love my Dh so much. He just holds me and lets me cry. I am going through so many emotions. Right now I am feeling defeated as a women. A women should be able to carry a baby. Why can't I carry my baby to term? Then I go through where I blame myself. This really pisses Dh off. He keeps telling me it wasn't my fault. He just says it wasn't ment to be. He tells me he don't care about the baby. He cares about me and that he loves me. Dh didn't get attached to this baby like I did. Which I am fine with it. Then I go through the emotion of being really pissed off at God. I prayed so hard for pumpkin. I got so attached after I saw the heart beat even though I told myself I wouldn't. I just don't understand why God didn't try to hear my prayers. I am trying not to be mad at God or at the world but right now it is so hard.

As of right now we are done trying. I don't know if that will change or not. We both agree we want to try to get some answers. I am hoping my ob will be able to run most of the test. I know if I ask Dh to go to the Re in Hershey with me he will. Although he dosen't like to go to doctors having to travel to get there is going to make matters wrose. Instead of loosing couple of hours of working or working on the farm he will end up loosing a whole day because of the travel time.

Even though this board is home to me I don't know if I will post on here that much. It doesn't seem fair to you ladies.

Missy, please believe I will be stalking you.

Nicole, I will be stalking you also.

Katie, I will be stalking you. Even though I am so full of hatered right now I want to be here when you get you BFP. I will be so happy when you get your BFP and after you get your BFP I will here stalking you.

I don't know if I am going to leave JM right now or not. I feel so lost. I don't know where I belong. I know I can go to the PL board. This board is home to me.

All of you that are pregrant Missy, Nicole please don't turn off your siggys. I want to see your progress.

Missy I have some questions for you so when I feel up to it I will send you PM.

Thank you ladies for being here for me. It means a lot to me.

.:Shortcake:. · #8 March 19th, 2011, 07:42 AM

I completely understand where your at. It is so frustrating when you try and try and bad things keep happening. My OB ran a bunch of tests for me. She also is consulting to different specialist and one of them is in Hershey. She sent them copies of all of my records and they are trying to find a "reason".

I want to tell you that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. And I understand if it's hard being here. If you need to take a break we understand and will be here when you get back. But don't feel like you have to leave us. We all are at different stages here.

There have been so many times that I wanted to give up. I felt/still feel like a failure like my body is failing me. But I've come to terms with there is only so much I can do the rest is up to my body.

Please know that I'm here for you in any way that I can be. You don't deserve this hun.

Cait&AngelAbove · #9 March 19th, 2011, 07:56 AM

I am thinking about you Stacey!!!

lindsey2000k · #10 March 19th, 2011, 07:58 AM

Just take care of YOU right now and take as much time as you need.
I stayed away from here for about 2 weeks and just read the post that did not have OMG Im pregnant in the title just read the loss ones or TTC questions.
You are going to go through so many different things and it just sucks... im sorry.

When are you having your D&C? I will be thinking of you!!!!

StaceygirlPa · #11 March 19th, 2011, 08:06 AM

My Ob is so nice and his nurse is so nice. My ob was already doing surgeries on Monday. His nurse called him at home since he left for the day and explained to him what was happening and he said he didn't care what it took but they better get me scheduled for Monday. I have to be at the out patient operationg room at 9:45 am on Monday. Since they are doing it on Monday they went ahead and did all the pre-op stuff yesterday before I left. What makes this harder is I have the d&c for pumpkin on Monday and Tuesday it will be a year my mom passed away.
I am hoping this surgery goes well. The last d&c I had a lot of complications because the baby was really tucked in. I also ended up with a bad infection from the surgery and ended up in the hospital after wards. I hope this surgery will go ok.

missy123 · #12 March 19th, 2011, 09:02 AM

There is no need to stalk me because I am not leaving your life at all. We made friends here and we will still go to Hershey this summer and meet up with Katie. This is the real deal - it isn't online bulls*&%. We are all friends now and it will stay that way. You can take a break from JM but honestly I say stay. After my losses I found comfort here. The kind of comfort I would not have been able to get in real life. You did not know me back then but I made some of the most horrible, depressing, sad, mind blowing posts ever... I needed an outlet to howl and this was it. Feel free to send me messages anytime, ok!

This is not your fault - I have a feeling (and there is no way to know unless you get tested) that this may due to your age. I had no issues having the boys when I was younger - It was a breeze. Now I am having loss after loss and it is because my eggs are old. Again, you may have something else going on so please get tested for everything. That is just my gut feeling.

Here are some recommendations:

Ask for zanax
- I am really not a big pill pusher but it will take that edge off of what you are feeling. This next month is going to be real hard on you and I think it will help a lot.

Ask for Antibiotics after your D&C
- If you got an infection last time then ask them for antibiotics to take right away as a preventative measure. No need for you to get sick on top of the mental anguish you are going through.

Hug your husband a lot
- He sounds like a great guy. Just keep hugging him and cry.

StaceygirlPa · #13 March 19th, 2011, 10:03 AM

Thank you Missy. I just feel so lost. One minute I am fine and then one minute I am crying my eyes out. One minute I am so mad I just want to throw things and yell. One minute I am blaming myself and I know I shouldn't. I wish I found this web site when Dh and I was first trying to get pregrant. I have learned so much from JM and this board. We have gotten pregrant twice now on our own when they said we wouldn't. I owe that to the information I have found from Jm and this board.

I don't feel like I belong on this board anymore since we are done trying. I am going to try to be active on the PL board but right now its not the same. A lot of you have become real friends to me on this board.

Missy, I know my age is working against me. I know my eggs are old. When I took soy I took it 3-7. I think I should have taken it 5-9. This is where one of my questions come in play. Does DHEA help with eggs?

I don't know what I would do without Dh. He has been by my side so much since I lost my mom. I don't know how I would have made it through this year without him. Dh took off work Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday to be with me. Which makes me sad because I know we need the money. Although I don't think I could handle being by myself those days. I am going to ask my doctor Monday for something for my nerves.

missy123 · #14 March 19th, 2011, 10:30 AM

Yes, DHEA is to help with egg quality. Read here:

DHEA: Revolutionary Treatment for Aging Ovaries :: CHR

It also helped me "feel better" overall. I got a little increased energy!

You belong here no matter what... and don't say you are done yet. I say that all the time, lol. Allow yourself to cry and feel whatever you want to. It takes time.

momof6lopez · #15 March 19th, 2011, 10:32 AM

Stacey, even when I was done with having Mia, I still found myself here on TTCAL , even though we were not fully ttc. I loved seeing the women here get their bfp's and I still had issues to work out myself with previous loss's, so it helped to read their stories.

As for our age, yes it is a big factor. If you ruled out all other factors, this one is still big enough to cause alot of heart ache. My dr. simply put it to me that 1 in 10 will end in m/c for me. Once I grabbed that idea and embraced it, I lost the fear of m/c'ing again, and knew that if I wanted a baby, I had to buck up and go on this ride. Now dont compare your chances to mine, I did have other issues. Most people our age are more of a 50/50 shot of m/c. To me, and I know I may be the minority here, but I had to look at this scientifically and not emotionally. Mother nature was hand selecting my little Mia. My losses were taken away from me so that I WOULD NOT HAVE TO MAKE THAT DECISION MYSELF LATER.

Of course its easier for me to see this clarity, as I have had my rainbow baby, but gosh, I really wish someone would of laid it out like this to me when I was going through the pain and anger and the "why me" parts of loss.

Hoping you stay around too and kup on your journey, no matter where that road leads you, your still part of this family here and many women here need your input to make their journey's.......

MeganMomof5 · #16 March 19th, 2011, 11:02 AM

I just wanted to offer some (((hugs)))...Everyone has given you such great advice...If you need a break from ttc, do it! I waited after my last miscarriage, and even though it was hard, i'm so glad i did! I think back to back pregnancies and losses are so hard...You need time to let your heart heal...I think I felt every emotoin that your feeling now...I know it doesn't seem like it Stacey, but in time it will get better, and I hope that you will start to feel hopeful again...I hope your doctor does every thing he can to get you all the testing and you can find an answer as to why this is happening and hopefully fix the problem.

ohnicole · #17 March 19th, 2011, 01:30 PM

Stacey, you are really an amazing person, and I am glad to know you

I really hope that you can get some answers, and that over time you can come to a place of peace with whatever you decide. Love you!

StaceygirlPa · #18 March 20th, 2011, 11:19 AM

Thank you everyone for caring about me. Right now I need that. I am so down and lost that I am snapping at Dh for no reason. Tomorrow when I see my OB I am going to ask him to put me on something. I can't handle this lost without something.

missy123 · #19 March 20th, 2011, 12:05 PM

I am so sorry honey... My heart honestly is breaking for you. I understand what you are feeling right now. When you go to the doctors tomorrow DO NOT let them say no to you about meds. It is ok to get help right now. My doctor gave me 30 zanax (some generic of it) and I did not take it all but I was so glad I had it.

I wish I could make it all different for you.