[StaceygirlPa]

Warning this might end up being a long post. I didn't sleep last night and I was late to work this morning talking to Dh about this.
First Dh tells me that he is going to leave it to me if I we try again for our rainbow baby. This morning he tells me he dosen't want to try anymore. He doesn't want me reading on the computer, he doesn't want me using opk's, he doesn't want me to take any extra vitiamin's. I took soy the two months we did get pregnant on our own. I am taking DHEA now to help with the egg quality because of my age. Without using the opk's I wont know if I am ovulating on my own since I have PCOS. He said he will still do the genetic testing and the other testing but he wont go to the doctor if we need to do another IUI. He said he doesn't like what the losses have done to me. Dh says I have taken the losses to hard. How am I not supposed to take the losses hard. I asked Dh if he wanted to start using protection since he doesn't want to try anymore. He said no we will just take our chance. Dh said if we do get pregnant again he doesn't want me on the computer and he doesn't want me to take any test at home or have any test run by the doctor. With 3 losses we need to make sure the bettas are going up the way they should and since I have low progesterone we need to make sure the levels stay up. I feel so loss and confused right now.

To make matters worse Dh's mom isn't happy in the assisted living home so Dh is going to bring her back home the end of April. I agree with Dh in a lot of ways. It cost over 2,000 a month for the room she has. If she doesnt't like it there why pay that much money to keep her there. Dh's mom and I don't get alone at all. She still treats Dh like he is a kid and wont recongnize that Dh is grown and married. She is rude to me when Dh isn't around. I pay over 200 a month for a storage shed for my things and the little bit of things I kept from my mom because there isn't enough room in the house for my things. When I do put something down stairs out Dh's mom put it on the stairs for me to take upstairs. Why should I put anything out just so she can move it and I get mad. Almost every arguement Dh and I have had has been over the house or his mom. Since she has been out of the house we have only argued once. I tried talking to Dh about it last night and this morning. I can't tell him not to move his mom back in the house because it is his mom. We can't buy another house because we can't afford it and his mom can't live by herself. Every time I talk to Dh about this he says I am sorry I brought you into this house. Which makes me feel like he is sorry he married me. It doesn't help every time we try to talk about it he clams up and stops talking about. He doesn't communicate very well. I don't know what to do. I don't want to argue with him and I know he needs to bring his mom back home.

If you made it this far thank you for reading. It doesn't help that my doctor told me on Monday that I am clinically depressed and I cry at the drop of a hat.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Stacey I am so sorry for all your going through. First I think that you and DH need to sit down and talk about what you both want. It needs to be a joint descision and not something either of you make on your own. Second, a loss is going to change you. You will never have a care free pregnancy after having a loss and that is just something people don't understand that well. Maybe you should write your DH a letter and tell him how you feel. Explain to him what you want and then maybe sit down and talk.

I think you should take the medication for depression as well as the vitamins and DHEA if your going to try. If your going to try why not give it your all?

Give your DH time to think as well. I know it has to be hard on you having his mom there as well as hard for him. He probably feels even worse because he knows how much stress that puts on you. Is there a way that him and his sister could take turns with his mom. Like she stays at your place for a week and then theirs for a week? We did this with my grandmother and it honestly worked out very well for everyone.

I hope things look up for you soon hun.

[Shadeauxe]

I think you should go to counseling. You need an advocate to stand up for you since it seem like you don't want to stand up for yourself 100% because you don't want to make people unhappy. It is a fact that if you do something just to please someone else at the expense of your own happiness, then you will never have the life that you want. Living your life according to what someone else desires is a recipe for misery. A counselor might help you find a happy middle ground.

[*SamF*]

Originally Posted by Shadeauxe

I think you should go to counseling. You need an advocate to stand up for you since it seem like you don't want to stand up for yourself 100% because you don't want to make people unhappy. It is a fact that if you do something just to please someone else at the expense of your own happiness, then you will never have the life that you want. Living your life according to what someone else desires is a recipe for misery. A counselor might help you find a happy middle ground.

100% I was going to say the exact same thing.
And best to call BEFORE MIL moves back in .

[Cait&AngelAbove]

Stacey I am sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I agree that maybe y'all should contact a counselor. Would DH be open to it? It sounds like you both need a venue where you can get all these things out in the open. It kind of sounds like DH feels like he is being forced to choose between you and his mother. And men do not like that. I have struggled with a lot of that. I hope you can work things out. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!

[terajet]

So sorry you have to go through this with everything else going on. Your DH may be taking the losses harder than you think and he is using you as an excuse. Maybe he is really scared for another loss. Give him time to work through his feelings.

As for his mom, in my opinion living with a parent is always a recipe for disaster. Sounds like DH doesn't want to hurt his mother's feelings. You really need to work things out soon. You can't keep suppressing your feeling because you will eventually start to resent your DH.

Thoughts and prayers for you that everything will work out.

[missy123]

Originally Posted by *SamF*

100% I was going to say the exact same thing.
And best to call BEFORE MIL moves back in .

Tripple Ditto!!! Find one and call today. and we only say this because we care about you.

[JessP]

Stacey I am so sorry. I agree with the ladies that a counselor would be a good option both to help you with your stuff with DH and your depression. I wish I had some advice that would make things better. I don't think its fair that you have to change your life to accomodate his mother in your home. That doesn't make sense to me. But I have a different family. Good luck hun.

[StaceygirlPa]

I don't know if Dh will go see a counselor with me or not. I wouldn't say I don't want to stand up for myself. I feel like I don't have a right to speak up about my MIL moving back in because it's Dh's mom. I know he feels stuck in the middle. Its not fair to him to be stuck in the middle. He is trying to do what he feels right and that is taking care of his mom. He wants to make his mom happy and he wants to make me happy.

I really don't know how Dh feels about the loss because he doesn't talk about any of them. He just says he loves me and wants me to be happy.

[Shadeauxe]

Originally Posted by StaceygirlPa

I feel like I don't have a right to speak up about my MIL moving back in because it's Dh's mom.

It may be his mother, but it's your home and it affects your life. So, yes, you have every right to say something. Your husband should also be defend you to his mom. She shouldn't be allowed to boss you around in your own home.

My mother lives with us, but she does not treat me like a child and she does not tell my husband what he can and cannot do. It's great having her in the house because she is a huge help with my son. However, it wouldn't work if my husband wasn't happy and I wasn't happy.

I may sound harsh, but I am an independent observer. I have no emotion affecting what I see and what I see is someone who is hurting but doesn't feel like they have any rights to say anything and I am telling you that you most certainly do. If you and he can't communicate and come to a conclusion that makes both of you happy, then you will need a counselor who is an impartial third party to help you guys figure out a solution that works for everyone. At some point, the MIL should go too.

Your MIL needs to stop feeling sorry for herself and start treating her son like an adult. Your husband needs to stop acting like a child and demand that his mother treat him like the adult that he is. You need to demand to be treated as an equal in your home and not some person who is renting a room or visiting.

Take it for what it's worth, but this is how I see it. I am not trying to make you upset, but I don't think that trying to use all flowery language would be very helpful in this situation. I do believe that your husband loves you and wants you to be happy.

[AZsnowflake]

I also think counseling is a good idea, even if you just go by yourself for a while! I'm so sorry you are dealing with all this. Is your DH good about talking about how the losses have affected him? With everything he's saying (no to the testing if you get PG, no OPK's, no extra vitamins) it sounds like he also took the losses very hard and he probably just doesn't know what to do with it. Encouraging him to talk about it (I know, it's rough sometimes because men are stubborn) might help some. Good luck hun!

[.:Shortcake:.]

I also agree with Courtney. We really do want what is best for you Stacey.

[StaceygirlPa]

I know I can't continue the way things are now. For the first time in over a year I finally felt like I had a home and was happy to be going home because I knew it was just me and him. Everytime I think about it I just cry because I feel so lost. When I go home I plan on talking to him some more. I will see if he will go see a counseler with me. If he wont go maybe I will see someone myself. Maybe a counseler can help me accept the loss of my mom and my 3 babies better. The pastor that married us told us that if we ever had any problems her door was open.Our pastor told us that we were one couple she was looking forward to marrying. She said she could see how much we loved each other. I know in my heart my husband loves me and he wants me to be happy.

I have tried to get Dh to talk to me about the losses we have but he wont talk to me about them. He always says it upsets me to much. It does upset me but it upsets me more when he wont talk to me about them. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that went through the loss and I know I'm not.

[Shadeauxe]

Well I'm always here if you need advice or a sanity check. Or a pep talk. I have a tendency to not sugar coat anything (this is probably obvious), so you're also welcome to tell me to shut up. I can take it.

[StaceygirlPa]

Thank you everyone for your help and advice today. When I go home I am going to talk to Dh some more. If Dh dosen't want to see a counseler with me I think I will try to see one for my own sake.

Courtney, Thank you for listening and the advice you gave me. I like that you don't suger coat anything. I need that right now.

[TnPhotoMama81]

I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said by others here.

I know that must be a very tough situation to be in and I am sure your husband feels stressed and frustrated trying to please you and his mother. I do agree that he needs to stand up to her and let her know that she needs to start treating him (and you) with some respect.

I really hope you and your husband can come to a happy solution/medium on everything.

*hugs*

[StaceygirlPa]

Well the plan to talk to Dh some more tonight went out the window. He got called to work. He has to start tomorrow and I guess he needs special boots for this job. I love the union. You have to jump when they say jump.

I did talk to his one sister that I am close to. She was shocked when I said something about Dh wanting to bring their mom back home here. I said well your mom said she wasn't happy there and wanted to come home. The first thing she said after that was my mom played him real good. When dh isn't around Dh's mom is happy in the home. When Dh is there by himself she says she don't like it there and complains.

[emsketch]

So much wonderful advice has been given, there is not much that I can add. I do think that counseling would make all the difference in the world. It would put things out there for a completely unbiased person to help you work through things. Tell DH that it it something that you want and need him to do for you. I understand where he is coming from with not wanting you on the computer and not wanting you to use okps, ect. He thinks that by not doing those things you will be less stressed and upset. My DH told me that same stuff about my charting. He wanted me to stop because he said that it got me too excited and then I would get more let down. We talked it over and it boiled down to, he thought that by not charting I would be able to be more laid back and less stressed about TTC. He was wrong, but his heart was in the right place.

How long has his mom been in the assisted living? Maybe she has not given it enough of a chance. I would talk with your DH and then with him and his mom and ask that she give it more time. That is a huge change and takes a lot of getting used to. I would also let your DH know what his sister said about his mom playing him.

((hugs)) I hope that things get better soon!

[luvmykids623]

Originally Posted by Shadeauxe

I think you should go to counseling. You need an advocate to stand up for you since it seem like you don't want to stand up for yourself 100% because you don't want to make people unhappy. It is a fact that if you do something just to please someone else at the expense of your own happiness, then you will never have the life that you want. Living your life according to what someone else desires is a recipe for misery. A counselor might help you find a happy middle ground.

I am so so so sorry that you're going through this. I wish I could find away to take away all of your pain and troubles. You're such an amazing person and surely don't deserve this.

[missy123]

Bravo Courtney - you said it best.

Stacey - we love you and are here for you.