[Erin84]

Just maybe the past week or two I've really let myself start feeling more for me. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I could worry about myself and DH a little and not just the fact that Drew passed away. So now I'll all crazy about our personal timeline, and I thought I was past that feeling of, "So what if I'm older, or if I'm hurting, or if I didn't have my peaceful waterbirth? What does that matter? Drew's gone, I'm being selfish thinking about what poor little me missed out on. He missed out on LIFE." If we were up to it, we were going to start TTC again when Drew hit six months old, which would have been the end of this month. So by now we should have an almost-six-month-old and be getting ready to start trying for baby #2. And here we are still trying to have a first baby that we're actually able to bring home. So that's been on my mind a lot lately, and I guess I'm not as "worked through" Drew's passing as I thought I was, or at least worked through not feeling guilty to think of myself... Because I've had two pretty rough dreams lately.

Last night I dreamed we had another NICU baby. He (another boy) was a preemie, but aside from him being early and underweight, there were no other complications. It was just a waiting game for him to gain some weight and us be able to take him home. But it was so hard feeling the emotions of having yet another NICU baby and having to love him from a hospital instead of from home. I was able to hold him and feed him in the dream though, which was kind of nice, but the whole dream was mostly scary and frustrating.

A few days ago I had this terrible dream I was snuggling a baby. It was just in a diaper, don't know if it was a boy or a girl. It wasn't my baby, it belonged to a husband and wife I was visiting, but we weren't friends. I was just a stranger they allowed into their home to cuddle with their infant. Weird... And I thought about killing the baby. In the dream I was trying to decide if I should kill it or not, because I didn't feel like that couple deserved to have a baby as much as I did, and it wasn't fair, and they should hurt like I hurt. They weren't bad people or anything, I just didn't think it was fair that they got to be happy and I didn't. In the end I decided I couldn't, specifically because it wouldn't be fair to the baby -- my decision had nothing to do with the mom and dad. Being inside the dream wasn't so terrible, 'cause I got to cuddle and play with a cute little bundle who, in the dream, was the same age Drew would be now, and in the dream I didn't feel guilty about my train of thought. But waking up and knowing I had a dream where I had those thoughts and feelings felt rough...

So I guess I have more to work through than I thought I did.

[lindsey2000k]

ERIN... HUGGGSSSS
I think what you are feeling is very normal. I think if you did not have these feelings then you should be worried, or we shoud worry about you.
you are the strongest woman I know to give birth to a baby and him pass away in only a few short days after birth... and yet you have the strength to go to school, work, and TTC again so soon.
Just keep your head up and keep venting to us when ever you need.
Just know we LOVE tou so very much!!!

[mom2moose]

I wonder if it's even possible to "work through" something like that?!? You've gone through so much, that maybe the brain and heart CAN'T process it all, ya know?

What you went through, and are STILL going through, is every woman's nightmare. I am astounded at how strong you are and how strong you've been! I think the nightmares are completely "normal". Just a way for your brain to "deal" with some things you've went through, subconsiously. And maybe, what you're feeling is a form of "survivor's guilt"? My first husband passed away, and for years after, whenever I started to be happy, or even calm, I would always start having nightmares, and even panic attacks.

I hope you find some peace of mind. You deserve it!! Good luck dear!!

[missy123]

I am so sorry Erin. ((hugs))

[StaceygirlPa]

Erin, I agree with the other ladies. You are a very strong women. I can't begin to think of what you went through to have Drew past away couple days later after you gave birth. I think what you are going through is normal. Love you.

[.:Shortcake:.]

I also agree with the other ladies. And I also think maybe you have a form of PPD. Your allowed to feel this way. I know it's horrible but I think this may be a way of grieving for you. I love you Erin! You are a strong, hardworking woman who deserves that baby!

[luvmykids623]

I agree with the others too. You have been through the unimaginable, and I think these dreams are part of the grieving process. I also agree with Katie that it could be PPD. I had it twice, and whoa is that one nasty beast, probably even more so with all you've been through.

[KeepingFaith]

Erin, I can't even imagine how I would cope with you have gone through. You are so strong and have such a good outlook. I hope you can find peace in time and are able to work through it all. ((HUGS))

[pepper73]

I also agree with the others. You went through the most heartbreaking thing a mother can ever imagine. Remember that everyone grieves differently. There's no right or wrong. And also remember we are all here for you to help you through this!!

[ohnicole]

The grieving process is so long and it can come in waves. I think if we let ourselves face everything at once we would go crazy. I hope you get through this rough patch with a renewed sense of peace

[Cait&AngelAbove]

Erin I am so so sorry! I think you are struggling internally with all that has happened! Big giant hugs!!!

[MamaRN]

((BIG HUGS)) Erin....

Grieving is not a linear process...... you will have good days and bad, you will feel strong some days and others you will wonder how you will get through, and all of that is normal and expected.

I think it's good you are talking about it and sharing your feelings.

We're here for you.

[Nikki515]

My heart is just hurting for you. Grief can be such a tricky beast - one minute you think you've got a handle on it and the next minute it sneaks up and knocks you on your behind. Don't feel guilty for feeling for yourself - you went through the most difficult thing a person can go through and you are coping. I do hope you get through this latest rough patch and can find a little more peace ahead.

[TnPhotoMama81]

Originally Posted by mom2moose

I wonder if it's even possible to "work through" something like that?!? You've gone through so much, that maybe the brain and heart CAN'T process it all, ya know?

What you went through, and are STILL going through, is every woman's nightmare. I am astounded at how strong you are and how strong you've been! I think the nightmares are completely "normal". Just a way for your brain to "deal" with some things you've went through, subconsiously. And maybe, what you're feeling is a form of "survivor's guilt"? My first husband passed away, and for years after, whenever I started to be happy, or even calm, I would always start having nightmares, and even panic attacks.

I hope you find some peace of mind. You deserve it!! Good luck dear!!

I so agree with all of this. I don't think my heart/mind would be able to process it either or work through it. Going through that was pretty traumatic and It doesn't surprise me you are having awful dreams Maybe you do have some form of PPD?

I wish you didn't have to go through all of this I am so sorry. <3

[Shadeauxe]

I would get counseling. Handling this kind of grief on your own can't be easy. They will help reassure you that everything you're going through is normal. Abnormal would be stabbing your husband or something like that. He would probably agree.

[Erin84]

I was in counseling for three months and it didn't do squat. I could gab on the phone for an hour each week with a good friend and it would probably be more effective. The only way I'm going back to counseling is if it's a psychiatrist and they're going to prescribe me meds. Which I don't want... So it's probably not gonna happen.

But thanks. It IS a good suggestion. I just don't see what good more counseling would do for me, specifically, when it didn't do me any good in the first place.

[*SamF*]

Hugs sweetie! Don't have anything else to add to what the others already said. The grief process is hard under any circumstance, and your makes it doubly hard.

[Shadeauxe]

Originally Posted by Erin84

I was in counseling for three months and it didn't do squat. I could gab on the phone for an hour each week with a good friend and it would probably be more effective. The only way I'm going back to counseling is if it's a psychiatrist and they're going to prescribe me meds. Which I don't want... So it's probably not gonna happen.

But thanks. It IS a good suggestion. I just don't see what good more counseling would do for me, specifically, when it didn't do me any good in the first place.

Well that's understandable. I am the same way. I deal with things better on my own than with outside help, but I know I am a bit odd in that respect. I think the fact that you come across as a positive person even after going through all of this, which I can't even begin to comprehend the emotions, is pretty awesome. I have always admired your spirit.

Everything you're going through is totally normal. Sometimes, my mother would say to me, "This too shall pass.", which never really helped me in the moment, but always ended up being true. I am not saying you'll ever stop thinking about all of this, but I hope that the bad stuff you're going through right now goes away. I could be babbling. I have a hard time articulating things like this.