Pee emm ess makes me stress.

Erin84 · #1 April 6th, 2011, 04:44 AM

I'm chocking this all up to PMS until I get confirmation otherwise.

A lot of women here have one child. I know a few of us don't. I mean, I have a child, but he's not here with me anymore

And I have this fear sometimes that Drew was supposed to be "my one." Like I have unexplained fertility problems, or DH does, or something, and that even though we want 3-4 kids, that Drew was going to be the only one we got. And now he's gone. And now I'm scared I'll never have a child to raise

Or even if that's not the case, I feel like we have a hard road ahead of us, like we're going to be trying for a long time, THEN finding out about some sort of problem, then trying for another long time, before we have a baby in our arms. I feel like we have two years' of trying ahead of us before we get pregnant, IF we're ever even able to. And then I'm so scared that I'm going to have something else go horribly wrong, comparable to what happened to Drew, all over again. I try to fight it, but in my gut, that's what keeps coming back. So many are able to find solace in the child/children they do have, but my memories of my child are him in my belly, or him in the NICU, mostly unresponsive... God, it kills me, I'm going to be 27 this month and still just waiting for my take-home baby. I miss Drew so much. I want to be a mom

**** YOU PMS. GO TO HELL. I do NOT feel like going to my volunteer shift today, but I have a high-schooler shadowing me, so I have to. ****.

ohnicole · #2 April 6th, 2011, 05:22 AM

Erin, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way

I completely understand... I have felt this way so many times, right down to wondering if our lost little was our only shot. What it always came down to for me was struggling to accept that I really have NO control over planning my family. None whatsoever. I never found a way to accept that loss of control and still feel optimistic that it would happen for me. It's just so hard.

I hope you know that even on these days when you really don't believe it's going to happen for you, that we are all here knowing in our guts that you are going to have a beautiful family and that you will be (and already are) a much better mom for having gone through all this pain and heartache and fighting so hard for your little ones. You're really an inspiration

.:Shortcake:. · #3 April 6th, 2011, 05:27 AM

Erin I am right there with you! I also feel like it's never going to happen for me. I feel like I'm never going to get the chance to be a mom. But you have to keep pushing on. Your one of the strongest women I know and I just having this feeling it's going to be soon for you. I know it's hard to keep pushing forward but that end, when you hold your rainbow baby in your arms... that's what you have to keep trying to imagine. Love you Erin!

Shadeauxe · #4 April 6th, 2011, 05:33 AM

I don't think it will take you 2 years to get your baby. I know I have no actual data to base any of this on, but my gut says (strongly) that you will get pregnant within the next three months.

I do, however, think that the stress of worrying about your pregnancy will not go away until you have a healthy baby that you take home. I mean how could it? My mind does not allow me to simulate trauma (imagining something awful happening to me). I think it's a defense mechanism. I try think about what you went through and my mind shuts down very quickly. I only know that it must be horrible and that's probably a severe understatement.

We are all here to support you the whole way through whatever. I hang out in the PAL board all the time, so if you get out of here before I do, I'll still be around to help calm the crazies.

I was 32 when I got my son, so you're still a young whippersnapper.

KeepingFaith · #5 April 6th, 2011, 05:41 AM

Erin, I am so sorry you are feeling this way.

It breaks my heart to even imagine what it must feel like. But you can't give up, you will always wonder "What if". It WILL happen for you, from what I have learned about you are an amazing, strong woman and are so deserving. I hope you feel better

*SamF* · #6 April 6th, 2011, 05:47 AM

HUGS!!! I have been where you are at. Spent a very very long time there too. But I totally agree with Courtney I don't think it is going to take you 2 years, or even close tot hat!

StaceygirlPa · #7 April 6th, 2011, 05:48 AM

Erin, I understand completely. I feel like I'm never going to get the chance to be a mom or dh a dad. I feel like time is running out for me to have a baby. I have this feeling it's going to be soon for you.

pepper73 · #8 April 6th, 2011, 05:51 AM

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of these emotions. It is totally understandable that you would feel that way. I have (and still do) had those same feelings and it is hard to deal with. I really hope you will get that rainbow baby very soon. We are all here for you!

Cait&AngelAbove · #9 April 6th, 2011, 07:06 AM

Erin I am so sorry that you are having to go through this!! I do not think that it will take you two years! We are all here to support you!

kzoo1280 · #10 April 6th, 2011, 08:33 AM

Erin, I could have written that post. I didn't have the experience you did with Drew, but I feel very similar to you with whole pessamistic attitude. I'm glad we all have eachother to express these feelings to. It's nice to know we aren't alone. HUGS to you and all the other ladies in the same boat.

TnPhotoMama81 · #11 April 6th, 2011, 09:41 AM

I agree a lot with what Courtney said.

I want nothing more than for you to finally have your take home baby <3 I hope it will be your turn very soon. I also have a strong feeling you won't be waiting too much longer.

It can be very hard to not have some negative thoughts after all you have been through! Wish I could be there for you more...or that we didn't live so far away from each other