[Fallen2Love]

I have been mostly posting on MA, but thought I'd post this topic here since it relates directly to loss.

We are able to do MA until July. After that it will be 6 months of the Femera/Trigger/progesterone deal. And our insurance rolls over and we can't afford to see an RE or continue with medical assistance for TTC. I am terrified of that reality. I really want to have faith that we can conceive and carry to term again. After all, my body got itself together once.

I really want to have the faith that things can happen again and be perfectly fine. I'm terrified of another loss. At least being proactive with MA,I know that while a loss isn't out of the question, I know I've done everything in my power to prevent one. doing no MA, I'm scared to death. I know that the second I get a BFP - I'll need a progesterone shot and start supplements at least 1 or twice a day until my level stabilizes. Even now after doing MA for 3 cycles, my progesterone level is still borderline what the doctor would like it (15 for TTC w/ MA, this cycle my level was 13 - but I also didn't trigger and based on OPK I was only 5DPO, which is promising).

I'm just scared. I love that DH has so much faith it'll have again with or without MA. I really want to have that same faith. How do restore faith in the future with TTC?

[NsMommy]

I don't have any advice. My TTC issues are not as complex (as far as I know but I am probably going to be on progesterone soon). I just know that, to have hope means to be vulnerable to loss. Only you know what you can take.

I started seeing a counselor for anxiety and depression recently due to my two losses and all of the pregnancies around me because I was afraid of losing my hope and not being able to deal with possible future losses. If you're open to it, please consider it.

[missy123]

What kept me going was the dream. The dream of making my husband a daddy and having our baby together. We were TTC for 2 1/2 years with 4 losses, went through MA - 2 rounds of clomid and an IUI. I have no insurance so after all the testing and the 3 months of MA we racked up 4K in bills and we were done. That was last summer and 2 losses later we find ourselves pregnant. When my DH wanted to give up I kept pushing - I wasn't ready to call it quits. I am 8 weeks and everyday I am scared of loss... but I keep trying to get myself to remember what brought me through this insane journey in the first place. ((Hugs)) I know it is hard and scary... take it day by day.

[Nikki515]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. I'm not sure if this will help you, but this is what gets me through my tough times. I absolutely believe in my heart that there is another child that is going to be a part of my family. I know how I would like that to happen (and when ), but even if my plans don't work out, we will still have another child. Maybe not in exactly the way I imagine it, but we will. And every month that we don't conceive, I remind myself that there we are now one month closer to holding our baby. I have remind myself that once I get that perfect baby in my arms, this entire stuggle will feel so totally worth it.

I wish you the best and I hope everything works out for you soon!!!

[.:Shortcake:.]

I am sorry your going through this. What keeps me going is I know in my heart that I will be a mommy someday. It's hard to keep pushing forward but I have hope and faith and without it I don't know where I would be.

[JessP]

I am so sorry. I am not sure what helped us to have faith. Stepping back some helped me to get through the pain of the loss. But my situation wasn't as complex. We didn't have MA. I wish you all the best with your MA and pray you have a rainbow baby very soon.

[Fallen2Love]

Thank you ladies for your kind words, i'm in tears!

I probably do need to see someone to help deal with all of this. I know I've been avoiding it. I keep saying it'll get better, but who knows.

I guess looking at every step, every cycle, is one more that clarifies the next step and solidifies any choices we make.

My biggest challenge, is we had this picture perfect plan that we would welcome a new baby into our family by August. Now we're into December 2011, and soon 2012. It scared the daylights out of me, not working, going to school FT (distance - online classes), and otherwise just feel like I'm twiddling my thumbs. I mean, there is only so much cleaning, school work, errands, etc one can do. I know I can always find a job, but I just don't feel ready to go back to work after what happened in Febuary. Plus, as a newcomer to a job you get crappy hours. I always said, if I don't do anything else, I will be home when DD gets home from school and help her with homework. She wont be a latch key kid or a have to go to afterschool kid. I I guess, its hard when plans don't work out perfectly. I grew up in a house were having was "whatever" and no plans, so its been a huge "thing" for me as an adult and parent everything be perfectly planned out to the "T" and everything go according to plan. I know that its unrealistic, but so much is uncertain with TTC you simply can't plan. Iknow if we continue with TTC, I need to be open minded and realize loss might happen. I also know I can't live in fear. So, itskinda a cross roads for me right now.

Thanks for listening to my ramble.

[JessP]

Its so hard. I would never have thought that I would have a 6 and 4 year old and be pregnant again. I should have an 18 month old Or a 6 month old.... I am a big planner too so no knowing or changing at the last min is hard. I have learned from my losses to be more spontaneous . I hope that your plans start coming together and that you are holding that baby before you know it. Ramble all you like its what we are here for.

[Cait&AngelAbove]

It is hard. It is really hard. There are days where I just do not want to face the world. But what keeps my hope going is that I know I am meant to be a mother. I want to be a mother more than anything and nothing is going to stand in the way of that.

[ohnicole]

It is so hard to have to give up our dreams of how we wanted our lives to go, and admit that we really have no control over building our families. I know that for me, sometimes I just plain ran out of faith and hope that it would happen, and all that kept me going was my NEED to do whatever was in my power to try. It is a heartbreaking road, and sometimes it just seems too hard. We are here for you when you feel like that