How much has your losses effected your relationship? Yourself?

missy123 · #1 April 24th, 2011, 11:16 AM

So DH and I got into a real deep conversation and he said that with each of my losses I lost a part of who I was and as time went on and each of my losses occurred I changed so much. We talked a lot of specifics and he is right.

How much have you changed since your loss(es) and in what ways has it changed your relationship with your s/o? With your friends?

LindseyE117 · #2 April 24th, 2011, 12:00 PM

We have really only had one loss, but it has now been over 3 years and no baby. It has taken its toll on me. I am literally a shell of my former self. My whole life now seems to consist of "I want my baby in my arms now!" Before I would be upset and hurt each month looking at all those BFNs, but now after my loss in October, I get so frusterated and upset. I KNOW it can happen between us, so then why is it not happening with everything we do?

My poor husband has seen my moral and personality crumble. I am no longer happy go lucky anymore (although I am getting back there after a cold hard look at myself and not liking what I see). I can no longer pass by any baby section at the store, because I break down and cry in front of everyone. My longing for another child has consumed me as a whole.

Thank God I have a husband like my Wookie. He loves me so much that he puts up with me. He is worth everything I have gone through because I know he would never leave me. I love him.

-Anna- · #3 April 24th, 2011, 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LindseyE117

We have really only had one loss, but it has now been over 3 years and no baby.

Have you had any fertility testing done?

kaylakay · #4 April 24th, 2011, 02:32 PM

Our losses as a couple have made us stronger... He's the only person I want with me during hard times and it proved how strong a couple can get. With our first loss once we got home from the emergency room we just cried together all day in our bedroom. It's nice to know you have someone to cry with when times get tough... We want a baby so bad it's driving us nuts. We are constantly talking about one... It keeps us pushing on... I'm glad he is there to help me through it.

As of myself it for sure affects me... I thought I was just gonna get pregnant and 9 months later have a baby. I had no idea this was in store for me. I have good days... And bad. Working in a hospital has made it worse... Having to deal with patients in our mom baby unit just cuddling their newborns depresses me. It makes me so sad I go cry on my lunch break... Or in the elevator. It for sure takes over my mind and makes me want a child, a little family, more than anything. I'd give my left arm to have a baby.

mmllhh · #5 April 24th, 2011, 03:15 PM

I feel like our losses have brought us closer. We talk about things more and have never made me feel like I am in this alone.

LindseyE117 · #6 April 24th, 2011, 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by -Anna-

Have you had any fertility testing done?

I have had testing done on me, and they could not find any reason why I am not getting pregnant. As for my husband, he has had a SA done on him, and he was on the lower side, but the doctor said that it was still enough to get pregnant--it might just take us a few tries. I am done with trying though. I want my baby now. I am just worried how much a RE will cost us. Inurance will not cover it at all. I will need to see a regular OB first, and see where that will take us. Last RE we saw cost us $2000 to tell us that I was ok to have a baby, and with me not working, I am afraid to touch our savings.

okiliz · #7 April 24th, 2011, 10:31 PM

I think my loss almost completely changed me in some good and in some bad ways... For me it came completely out of left field.. I have some fertility issues, it seems to take me awhile and I was told at a young age I would most likely need "help" to have children ... I am blessed to have two daughters and I know this and I am super thankful for them .. My first was a total surprise..and then when I got remarried we really wanted a baby together.. and tried and tried and then after two years finally got pregnant.. Both pregnancies were easy... but we started trying again right away for our 3rd and final baby and after 22 months of fertility treatments we got pregnant with the twins.. only to lose them??.. I just.. never thought it could happen.. I mean.. I figured.. awesome now I am pregnant.... I was in total shock I think.. and the whole time I was pregnant this time I felt... uneasy.. and I think it made hubby feel.. frustrated with me.. but somehow.. something did not feel right... I don't know but still.. I never thought I would lose them... My husband's ex had 3 losses... and sometimes I feel like it was not as important to him because he had been through it before.. I know he tried to be there.. and he was .. but even he said that he kind of felt that after a point he did not know how to help and then he felt like I became kind of baby obsessed... I know it hurt him, they were the boys he always wanted and he said it would have hurt wether they were boys or girls but I know that the fact they were boys hurt a bit deeper... and.. we are doing better now and still have a ways to go.. but we do love eachother and while the loss rocked us deeply I feel kind of like when we do have our rainbow baby or babies we will .. be.. complete again... not that we won't be ok if it never happens... but.. I dn't know.. it's hard to explain... For me personally.. I know it's something that I feel as a mommy on my own.. I almost need before I will be ok...like I will always miss my angel boys but having another baby will stop the raw pain however even if I never do I know hubby and I will be ok ... but I know someday I will :-) wow sorry that was so long...

.:Shortcake:. · #8 April 25th, 2011, 03:31 AM

Oh my... where to start. I am a completely different person since my first loss. DH and I have drifted apart and then closer together so much throughout our relationship. I honestly don't know how it has survived all we have been through.

StaceygirlPa · #9 April 25th, 2011, 04:57 AM

I know all the losses have changed me. I worry if we will be able to carry a baby to term. We don't have a problem getting pregnant we have a problem keeping the baby. Dh always tells me I take the losses to hard and I think that tears us apart some because he doesn't talk about the losses right away. After awhile he opens up and tells me that he just wants me to be happy and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I think it tears us apart some but then it brings us closer together after awhile.

Shadeauxe · #10 April 25th, 2011, 05:53 AM

It hasn't changed anything other than giving me a healthy reality check. I didn't think it would happen, but it did. I am still the same person I was before because what happened wasn't anyone's fault. I will not let an event that I didn't cause (even though it sucks) control my life.

fromustobaby · #11 April 25th, 2011, 06:43 AM

Its still really raw for me...I'm not dealing with it as well as I'd hoped that I would...I've been trying to talk to him about it, but he's moved on easily and I havent, and its not fair to bring him down...I'll be fine, but not yet...

Nikki515 · #12 April 25th, 2011, 07:23 AM

My loss hasn't really changed who I am at the core. I have shed a few more tears since then, especially lately, but for me it's more about missing the baby we lost than about just wanting another baby. I start bonding with my babies the second I find out we're expecting and even though we m/c at 7w3d, I was already invested in that baby and imagining what he or she was going to be like. Now that we're approaching my edd, I keep thinking about how we would know what we were having and be getting ready to meet him or her for the first time. It's sad and I will always miss that baby, regardless of if we have another, but it is just a part of my life now. I'm still the same wife, the same mother, the same daughter, the same friend. I loved that baby with my whole heart, and loving someone so much only makes me a stronger, more compassionate, more giving person.

I'm so glad this thread got started. I pretty much knew how I felt about this, but sometimes it is so beneficial to have to put it into words.

~Lynda~ · #13 April 25th, 2011, 07:47 AM

i didn't realize how much it effected me till i was actually pregnant with a viable pregnancy. the fear kicked in and hasn't left me... that is truly has never been me to live in fear... but i couldn't control it...

LindseyE117 · #14 April 25th, 2011, 11:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nikki515

My loss hasn't really changed who I am at the core. I have shed a few more tears since then, especially lately, but for me it's more about missing the baby we lost than about just wanting another baby. I start bonding with my babies the second I find out we're expecting and even though we m/c at 7w3d, I was already invested in that baby and imagining what he or she was going to be like. Now that we're approaching my edd, I keep thinking about how we would know what we were having and be getting ready to meet him or her for the first time. It's sad and I will always miss that baby, regardless of if we have another, but it is just a part of my life now. I'm still the same wife, the same mother, the same daughter, the same friend. I loved that baby with my whole heart, and loving someone so much only makes me a stronger, more compassionate, more giving person.

I'm so glad this thread got started. I pretty much knew how I felt about this, but sometimes it is so beneficial to have to put it into words.

I know how you feel. I had never experienced a los before, so we started a registry and started to think about what to get to prepare for the baby. I just got a reminder the other day on email that our baby is almot here. It hurts.