[Erin84]

Last night. It was rough. Ugh.

When we got married, he wasn't sure if he wanted to be a minister or a cop. Very different career choices, I know, but that's what was in his head. Well he's decided he wants to be a cop, and when he gets out of the Marines in just over a year, he's going that route. He's already started the application process for the San Diego Police Department and the SD Sheriff's Office. But what he really wants is to be LAPD.

He keeps bringing it up, and I keep saying no. Now I'm not the type to lock my husband in a glass box to keep him safe from harm. He had a motorcycle until recently when it got stolen and he decided he'd rather replace it with a used car than another bike. He skydives, he goes rock climbing, he does things that thrill him. And I'm mostly okay with it all. I just set my worries aside because I realize that I can't hover over him all the time...

San Diego is a pretty safe place as far as big cities go. Plus the cops here have a reputation for using their weapons freely, and I'd rather have him somewhere where he can spray/shoot/taze whenever he wants than somewhere that will judge him for protecting himself... LA has much better benefits, his 8 years military service will count toward retirement, the pay is fantastic for cops... That's why he wants to be there. I don't want to be there because I couldn't stand to lose him. I've already been through too much. Him wanting to be a cop at all scares the **** out of me, but it's the only thing he really wants to do, so I go along with it. But now he's pressing me. He brings up LA all the time. I ended up crying three times yesterday and finally just unleashing on him, although there's still more I'd like to say but didn't.

It's like he doesn't even care that he has a family, he just wants to go out and risk his life all the time, and screw who he leaves behind and what state they'll be in if he goes. I told him last night that I wasn't built to be a cop's wife, that I worry too much, and that every day when he goes off to work, I know I'll worry. That's in a safe place like SD. But if he's an LA cop, I don't think I could handle the stress. I told him that he has to stop bringing up LA, that I've said no as many times as I know how, in every way I know how, and that it's not fair to keep pressing me like this. There has to be a compromise. You get to be a cop, you don't get to be a cop in a city that's going to give me a nervous breakdown.

So here I am today, researching SD vs LA, trying to figure out if I'm overreacting or if I'm dead on and he just doesn't want to admit it. It's just not fair to me that he's getting what he wants, but he decided to inch the line out further and is now fighting for some brand new thing that I've told him I can't handle. Why can't he be happy just being a cop at all? Why does he want LA so badly? And does he not even give a **** if he leaves behind a wife and/or children? Does he not care that he's going to be more stressed and have a worse at-home life? That we're more likely to divorce because of the extra stress on both of us? That goes for being a cop at all, but even moreso a cop in LA. I don't think it's fair that he's putting me through this. He gets to be a cop. Stop torturing me with wanting to be a cop in one of the US's more dangerous cities

I feel very hurt right now that he doesn't even seem to care about how I feel, he just keeps arguing for what he wants. He got so angry last night, started screaming and throwing ****. I'm at a loss. I'm very hurt. I don't even feel loved because I keep expressing how I feel, and he keeps pushing the point. I don't know what else to say or do, other than divorce him and let him go to LA, or we go to LA and end up divorced there, because I really feel like I couldn't handle the stress of him working in south-central LA every day, which is one of the top places new cops end up. Just feeling very hurt right now, very unloved. I don't know what else to say to him. I know it's going to come up again, and honestly I'm about ready to give up and say "Let's go to LA," then just suffer whatever comes with it. It's to the point where he's fighting so hard that I'd rather just let him have it and risk death or divorce than to keep fighting like this. I don't know what to do

[lindsey2000k]

HUGS. I am sorry men are such @$$es sometimes.
I understand your fears and do not blame you one bit for felling the way you do.

[luvmykids623]

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. I don't blame you one bit for how you feel. Being a cop's wife is an extremely difficult thing when you live in a "safe" city, much less one of the most dangerous cities in America. My uncle was a street cop in Philadelphia for 30 years working primarily night shift, and his daughter's husband has been a homicide detective in Philadelphia for about 15 years now. Watching what my aunt and cousin have been through tells me all I need to know that you are not wrong to be worried. I hope that you are able to get through to him and he realizes that you need him. You are willing to let him be a cop, but he should compromise, especially now on the where part. Things might change down the road, but for now I feel like he needs to give you this.

[Celena]

Erin, I'm going to come back and read your entire post but if it makes you feel any better.... from your title I want to say that mine is being a total ******* ******* right now as well.

[KeepingFaith]

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. My DH does not show emotion at all or understand it, so I understand what it is like trying to talk to someone who just doesn't get it. I usually just give up and tell him "ok", UNLESS it is something I feel very strongly about. Then I will fight until he gets it. I found yelling does not work, or talking to him trying to rationalize, what works for me is completely breaking down and just crying, pouring my heart out. It takes that much to make him see how I feel. I really hope you can work it out and he can see where you are coming from. When it comes up again, try not to let the anger/frustration show, it will only make him shut you off more. ((HUGS)) Love ya cycle buddy!

[.:Shortcake:.]

Here are my thoughts... take them for what they are worth.....

I think that being a cop period is his dream and that LA just makes it more of a dream for him. Just like we have dreams of being a mom our guys have dreams of that and other things. I think he knows that if he doesn't try it now it may never happen. I think he does understand your fears but he probably also wants to show you how it can be. I know that is is scary that you never know what the outcome of his day is going to be... but that is the same with him leaving the house in the morning to go to work at an office job. It's going to be scary but honestly keeping him from his passion would probably create you to have a divorce quicker than that would. I'm not saying that your wrong for how you feel (I would feel the same way about DH) but I wouldn't stop him from doing it because I can't imagine how hurt/upset I would be if he told me I couldn't do my photography. I know it is a really dangerous job. Maybe you and him could sit down and talk or if it's too frustrating write him an email or letter telling him that you want to support his dream but maybe you could compromise and pick another locations not quite as dangerous. HUGS!

[Fluffy Baby]

I lurk here and wanted to offer my input, you can take it or leave it. I am a Marine wife also. My husband also works as a correctional officer ready to go police officer. Your a Marine wife. Your husband leaves for months at a time and could die at any second when he is overseas. If you can handle that, you can handle being a cops wife. It is different in some ways, but in the end, they are the same. The Marine Corps won't tell you for weeks if not months if something happens, you would know the same day if something happened to him as a cop. Don't sell yourself short. You can do it, you are strong woman. It takes alot to stick by a man while he is deployed and worrying at any moment he could be dead or 2 officers will show up at your door. You can do it. Bottom line, if you love your husband, stay with him, let him do what he needs to do to support you and your kids. God forbid something happen to him, but if it did, you can be proud, proud that your husband stands up to criminals, to terrorists, to people that want to harm our citizens, he would not die in vain. I tell myself this all the time when I start worrying about my Marine. Good Luck in your search to find a life after seperation (military) and I hope you guys can compromise. <3

[Nikki515]

Ugh. Nothing is as miserable as fighting with a man who just doesn't get where you're coming from. I can totally sympathize.

As for your situation, no one else can tell you what you can or cannot handle, but I think you are wise to acknowledge that your marriage deserves to be made a priority. If you feel like him being an LAPD cop would be too hard on you, you might be right. My dad was an HPD cop, and that is one of the reasons that my parents' marriage didn't last. Being married to a cop is hard...being married to a cop in a very dangerous city is even harder. As the daughter of a cop, I can say that the stress on a family can be really tough. My dad was injured in the line of duty and after that I had nightmares for a long time. I would also panic if he was running late and hadn't called. Not that I'm not incredibly proud of him - I absolutely am. I just think it's smart to know what you will and will not be able to live with.

On the flip side, many men have a very strong drive to be good providers for their families and maybe he is thinking about that as part of his reason for wanting to move to LA. You never want to be the reason your anyone gives up on their dreams (especially your husband), but you're not asking him to not be a cop, you're only asking him to not be a cop in one of the most dangerous cities in the US. That's a tough line to walk, and I really hope you guys can get to a place where you're both comfortable with the decision. You are a strong woman and you'll be able to handle whatever happens.

[LindseyE117]

I meant to respond to this last night, but my hubby got home and we had to run to Sprint.

Ok, here are my thoughts on the issue (these are only my thoughts, and are not meant to insult or contradict anybody).

First off a marriage is a compromise. Both sides must give a little to get a little. I understand your fear over him becoming a police officer, and I bet that you must be terrified with him being in the Marines. With that being said, if you compromised with him becoming a cop, and he knows that it is a huge fear for you, he should compromise on the location. He can become a cop anywhere in the United States--why does it have to be in LA? Personally, I despise LA (nothing against anyone who lives there, just think the place is horrible to raise a family and the cost of living is ridiculous).

For divorce to come into the picture for something like this, it must be something both of you strongly feel about. For him not to consider your feelings on the matter questions his attitude towards your position in the marriage. I understand this is a dream for him, we all have dreams, but when and where do you draw the line in your marriage? If I followed every "dream" I have had, we would be broke and most like with nothing to our names. Same with my husband.

After a rocky first 2 years together, we have come to the conclusion that fighting to get our way will get us no where. Been there, done that, and someone always gets hurt. We have worked hard on our marriage and I never make any decision without consulting him first. Plus vice versa. We always weigh the pros and cons of everything (sometimes making a list), and decide what is worth doing for our family as a whole. If not everyone benefits, then it does not happen. If we both always did what we wanted to do without considering the other, then we would have never worked out. Plus a lot of times we have figured out that some of those dreams could have screwed us big time in the long run.

It is nice to dream, but there is always reality here to great us every step of the way. I think that if he refuses to see your side in the matter, then maybe yall should consult a therapist and let them mediate for you.

Personally if it was me, if he already has 8 years in, why does he not just stay in a few years longer and retire? Both of my inlaws are retired air force and they now have 2 retirements and excellent benefits. She just survived stage 4 cancer and all of her chemo was paid for by their military retirement insurance. She did not pay a dime. But if it is the fear, I can understand.

[StaceygirlPa]

Erin, the ladies have already given you some good advise. I know some times men are very hard to talk to. I have also learned that yelling at the does nothing but make them mader and more stuborn. Have you tried writting down your feelings and giving it to him to read. I did that after dh and I kept fighting about his mom coming back to live with us. I think putting down my feelings on paper helped both of us. I am sorry you are going through this. Thinking of you.

[Cait&AngelAbove]

Here are my thoughts:

Marriage is a complete compromise. And women are better about voicing how they feel than men are typically. Men do not always understand why we worry so much or why we make such a big deal out of things. I think your DH might feel that you are not working with him at all and that you are standing in the way of his dream. I am not saying that your feelings are wrong because I would terrified as well. My FIL was a cop in the worst place in Maryland for years. It was hard but he and my MIL are still going strong. They have been married 35 years. I think in your DH's mind the job and benefits are his way or taking care of his family. I would try to find some way to lay out completely all that you feel so you do not feel like later your missed something. I pray that you and DH are able to find the right words to talk to each other and figure it out together. HUGS!!!

[dreamer10]

Erin, I completely agree with everyone here. He does need to listen and take your feelings into consideration, but you need to do the same as well. I can't imagine how hard it would be to send him off to work everyday, that would be so scary, but in the end if that's what he wants, and that's where he wants it, you need to consider that as well. Will he feel resentment toward you for telling him he couldn't even try? I don't know, I can't empathize, but I will say as someone who has been held back by her spouse and not allowed to follow certain dreams it has left a wedge between us that has been very difficult to overcome. Good luck to you!

[Celena]

Hey sweetie,

I read this last night and wanted to be able to give you a better response now that I've had a chance to really read it.

You know I can understand where you're coming from... in some way do you think it's directly related to the loss of your son and it makes you sick to think you might lose your husband if he was a LA cop? Perhaps even a little bit subconsiously?

I know you've been thru allot and don't want anything to happen to your husband, but living in fear isn't living at all.

I do want to try to make you feel better about the area a little bit; I have several friends that live in LA and they all LOVE it.... recently a guy I worked with moved back there as well. I think it has a far worse reputation that what it really is. Altho there is problem and dangerous areas EVERYWHERE, so no matter where you go there you are.

Also just think if he is a new "beat" cop he won't be going out by himself KWIM?

Try to find the pros and the exciting possibilities of a change and a new future, about how excited he will be with his new career and job.


HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE

[missy123]

I am sorry you are going through all of this. (((hugs)))

[TnPhotoMama81]

I do not have any advice because I would feel the same way

Have you talked any more about it since the fight?

[*SamF*]

I understand your fears with a little different perspective. 1- I grew up with a father who was in the FBI (not a beat cop but still dangerous) and 2- I'm an ex-cop.

He does need to take your feelings into consideration, and you both need to be together on it. I really think getting some outside help will help bring you together on the issue. Also researching if LA is really less safe is a good idea, the media LOVES to sensationalize well known cities and make things sound a lot worse than they are. Plus larger departments have better resources to keep their people safe.
No matter where he lands, I really urge you to seek out support groups for police spouses. They not only help you deal with the stress and fear of being married to a law enforcement officer, but also how to help them deal with the stress of the job better.

And just a side thought, since his two career choices were cop or minister (actually not that far apart) has he considered trying to be a police chaplain?

[Shadeauxe]

Originally Posted by *SamF*

I understand your fears with a little different perspective. 1- I grew up with a father who was in the FBI (not a beat cop but still dangerous) and 2- I'm an ex-cop.

He does need to take your feelings into consideration, and you both need to be together on it. I really think getting some outside help will help bring you together on the issue. Also researching if LA is really less safe is a good idea, the media LOVES to sensationalize well known cities and make things sound a lot worse than they are. Plus larger departments have better resources to keep their people safe.
No matter where he lands, I really urge you to seek out support groups for police spouses. They not only help you deal with the stress and fear of being married to a law enforcement officer, but also how to help them deal with the stress of the job better.

And just a side thought, since his two career choices were cop or minister (actually not that far apart) has he considered trying to be a police chaplain?

Excellent advice!

[Erin84]

Hey, sorry, DH and I have been talking about it so much lately that I didn't feel like coming back here to update. If either of us is wearing the other down, it's him wearing me down. Because now it's to the point where if we stay in San Diego and something happens to him, it WILL be my fault, because he wanted to move to LA... Plus there's better equipment, better funding, more opportunities... But every time I really think about it, I freak the hell out. I feel like I'd be the dumbest person in the world to let this happen, I feel like I need to protect him... I'm pretty sure the majority of the reason he wants to do this is financial, and that breaks my heart, that he would risk his life in LAPD just so his family can afford to go out to the movies now & then instead of always watching Netflix. It seems so trivial when the danger of LAPD vs SDPD comes down to minor budget cuts that we could make around the house and keep him safe. I've been lying in bed for hours before falling asleep the past couple nights because I just listen to him breathe and I cry, because I don't know what I'd do without him. This all sounds like a huge overreaction, but I'm so scared of this... Still trying to wrap my mind around it. I have a feeling we're going to end up in LA though He's a beautiful, kind, artistic, thoughtful man, he's smart, sweet, funny... Why does he have to want to be a cop? ESPECIALLY a Los Angeles cop

[ohnicole]

I think Sam's idea to get outside help to deal with this issue is a great one. I think that it is reasonable for each partner in a marriage to have a veto on major decisions that they perceive as unsafe, unmanageable for them, or that they think would cause major problems for whatever reason. At the same time, if both partners don't see it that way, it can cause a huge divide in the relationship. I think you need someone impartial to mediate the discussion between yourself and your husband so that you can hopefully come to a compromise that you are both happy with.

That said, you are in such a stressful situation, and I totally see where you are coming from. I just want to give you some huge I'm here if you need me, Erin- PM anytime.

[KeepingFaith]

Originally Posted by ohnicole

I think Sam's idea to get outside help to deal with this issue is a great one. I think that it is reasonable for each partner in a marriage to have a veto on major decisions that they perceive as unsafe, unmanageable for them, or that they think would cause major problems for whatever reason. At the same time, if both partners don't see it that way, it can cause a huge divide in the relationship. I think you need someone impartial to mediate the discussion between yourself and your husband so that you can hopefully come to a compromise that you are both happy with.

That said, you are in such a stressful situation, and I totally see where you are coming from. I just want to give you some huge I'm here if you need me, Erin- PM anytime.

:hugs: