[LindseyE117]

Ok, so my hubby and I had our first official IVF visit today. I was scared, nervous, and excited all at the same time. I was so happy that he took the time off from work to be there with me. It was a long day—from 2pm to 6:30pm, mainly because it included an IVF seminar—and although it was a lot to take in, I am finally excited to move on with our next phase.

Here is where it goes bad. I am unsure who is all familiar with my story, but my hubby and I have been TTC for quite a while. We finally decided on IVF when our RE told us that it was the only recommended route. My hubby was apprehensive at first, but after I showed him that we could get financed and all of our injectables free, he agreed to move forward. Quick note here: we are finally debt free except for our mortgage payment—which made us finally comfortable and sitting on a small cushion. He is scared to death about going back into debt because I am not working.

Anyway, my sister and father have been completely against it. She constantly questions whether I know or not how much it costs to have a baby these days (even though I did it as a single mother with 2 eight years ago). Then she goes on and on about how she cannot comprehend why I would want another child, because my hubby adopted my children from a previous marriage and now they are legally his. Her problem is that she cannot stand any children that are not her own. Even then, she quickly tied her tubes because she did not want more than she 2 she has. I hear it all the time—you are not thinking this through, why put yourself in debt, have you even truly thought about it, why, seriously why? ENOUGH ALREADY!! Then to top it all off, my father gets so angry that I want another child, he refuses to talk to me about it. He called while I was at my appointment today, and once he found out where I was, he hung up on me. I have no other close family, as my mother is just plain toxic.

So, after my appointment, we were picking up the kids from my sister’s house. She goes off into her rant mode again, but this time in front of my husband. He panics when she starts throwing numbers out there like $200 a month just for diapers and blah blah blah. I tried to explain to him that I have done all of the budgeting and that is definitely NOT an issue and she is exaggerating a lot of the numbers. He goes into full on panic and starts to question me and all of my budgeting. He then corners me in the bathroom demanding I give him exact numbers on everything. This of course starts a fight. I am already p*ssed at my family for constantly riding me for wanting a baby.

I go postal. I know, not the best thing to do, but I am obviously upset from everything else. So now everything is my fault. I “forced” him into IVF when he obviously did not want to do it because of money. He also knew our medical coverage does not cover pregnancy at all, but I had other things lined up and other options—but it is MY fault for not taking care of this months ago (which I already had done). He then goes on to tell me that the only reason he is trying to have a baby with me is because he loves me and wants me happy, not because he wants a child. I then try to explain to him why that is a horrible reason to have a child, but I cannot stay with someone in good conscious that does not want the same things I want.

It is now almost midnight, and I am upstairs while he is downstairs. I am hurt, and I have been crying for the last hour straight. I cannot stand to look at him right now because I want to strangle him. In fact, he just came up here 10 minutes ago to “try and make peace” by once again saying that he only wanted answers, but that I went crazy on him. He all the sudden developed amnesia on everything he said too. Not quite an apology, so it did not go well.

I don’t know what I am seeking from you ladies. I just know that I am hurting, and I have no support here. I do not know what is going to happen right now. It may blow over like all the other huge fights we have had, it may not. I just know that my great day has turned to sh*t. There is no more optimism here anymore, just hurt.

[Jen71]

Awwwwww man... That all sounds just horrible! I'm so sorry.
Your sister and Dad need to butt out. I'm so sorry you dont have the support you need from them.
Re: your hubby. I have a hunch he got into panic mode. He does want you to be happy, and guys always freak out about money. He let your sister get to him, and he is talking with his head and not his heart right now. Men seem to fall in love with the baby once they can feel it and see it. They can't comprehend anything but money and responsibility until they hold that little dumpling.

I'm sorry it all took an ugly turn. Take deep breaths (I say that seriously, not facetiously. Good deep breathing is important for calmness and clear thinking) and try to talk with him. Let him know that you are hurting and what you want, and ask him to go with his heart.

Good luck and hugs to you!!!

[.:Shortcake:.]

Lindsey I am so sorry that you and DH got into a fight. I think you really need to both sit down and decide what you want and if it's not the same you really need to talk about to see if there is anything you can compromise on. We are here for you anytime you need to talk. I wish I had other advice for you but sending lots of hugs your way!

[StaceygirlPa]

Lindsey, I am sorry you had such a bad day and night. I agree with the other ladies. Your sister and dad need to stay out of your life. As far as you and your Dh I agree with Katie. You and him need to sit down and have a talk on what both of you want. When Dh and I went through our last lost he said he was done trying. It hurt me when he said that. We ended up sitting down and talking about it. He said he just hates to see me so get so hurt over a loss. He just wants me to be happy. We are now trying for our rainbow baby.

[pepper73]

Oh dear....that just plain sucks! I can't even believe how poorly your sister and father are handling this and I agree...it is not their business and they should be happy for you and support you no matter what you decide. It's not like you are making some kind of rash, spur of the moment decision. You have thought it out and you know what you are doing. It is really unfair of them to treat you like that and for your sister to plant that panic in your DH's head. I also agree with the others that you and your DH should sit down and totally talk it out when you have both calmed down. Please keep us posted. I hope that the two of you can work it out quickly and you can go back to being excited.

[lindsey2000k]

I am so sorry... I get the money speach all the time from my DH. It seems every failed pregnancy leaves us another thousand or 2 in the hole. He keeps reminding me that we owe this much right now and then IF we have another one its going to be about $6,000 for its hospital bill not to mention all the meds I will have to be on during pregnany.
But he knows if he doesnt give me enough chances I will be a horrible person to live with and we will end up divorced.
I am sorry your family is being that way Mine is the other way around when I feel like quitting my mom tells me to keep trying. But I only have 1 child, I have no siblings and DH's sister cant have kids. So the reasoning is so Madison wont be all alone.



BTW your sister is WAYYY off on numbers. With Maidson I was able to go to Babies R Us and by the huge box of name brand pampers for $40.00 a box and it would almost last a month. Plus they always had coupons if you buy 2 boxes you get a 15-20 gift card. They also have a rewards program that I found out about now that my daughter is almost potty trained..lol every 9 boxes you buy you get the 10th free. I breastfeed her until 2.5 years old so that saved tons of money on formula (I probably had to buy about 4 cans of formula because we had issues at first).
I even made my own organic baby food to save on cost. your big cost will be all the baby stuff and toys if you have not saved them from your other kids.... but just have a baby shower and you can get most of it. Since you are not a first time mom you know that half that crap you really don't need anyway so you know how to save money on not buying junk.

[Shadeauxe]

I know your temper is a lot like mine, so once you finally calm down, start re-processing the situation and see if anything comes across differently. I know when I am in an insane rage, logic is not my friend.

I am sorry that your family is not supportive, that sucks. I don't know why people feel the need to comment on everything in other people's lives. It's your life, do what you want. You're not hurting anyone.

I hope your day today is much improved.

[missy123]

I am sorry your good day turned bad like that. I am usually pretty calm with my dh but in your situation I would have gone postal on him as well. ((hugs))

[LindseyE117]

I appreciate everyone commenting on this. I woke up hurting even more about everything today. I finally went to bed around 1:30am. He pulled me into bed with him last night even though we were still not talking.

I do have a temper, especially when I feel attacked on all ends. Plus the one person I felt was there for me really wasn't. I called him this morning to apologize about going off the deep end last night and he seemed calmer. I did then tell him though that he needed to tell me what he wanted to do, because it is not fair to me to let me go this far when he absolutely does not want to do it. He then proceeded to tell me that if he told me what he "really" wants, I'll leave him. Then he said that we'll talk when he gets home. So not good.

Thing is, when we met I was just out of an abusive marriage, so children was not on my mind. After I feel in love with him though, I told him that I wanted another child before we were married. He told me that he was not sure, but that at that time he was not ready. So fine with me. He did not tell me absolutely no until later on in the marriage when I was ready to try. It was always an excuse with him on why he was not ready. He told me last night that he never wanted a child and that he was just hoping that I would change my mind on everything. He didn't want me to leave him and he knows that I would have never married him if that was the case. That is too big of an issue for me.

So again I am hurt. So why? WHY???? would you even let me try? Why would you let me think that this is what you want? His excuse, that he loves me and he'll do whatever makes me happy, even if it is not what he wants. I'm sorry, but not on something this big and important. He just kept saying that he does not want to make a decision, because he knows I'll leave him. So where does that leave us? I have no idea. But it is very sh*tty of him to let me go through all the channels and get my hopes up. He should have said no from the get go.

Plus I completely agree about the family butting out. I got another call from my father this mornig telling me that I am being selfish and I need to consider his age and feelings on the matter. My dad had us really late in life and he tells us that he regrets not having us sooner all the time. I am two steps away from completely going over the edge again!

*EDIT*

To keep everyone in the loop, the IVF is already paid for, the meds are just waiting on quanities to be delivered (also taken care of), and appointments are made. Kind of late to change your mind don't you think?

[KeepingFaith]

I am so sorry Lindsey, TTC definitely puts a huge strain on a relationship, especially with the IVF involved. Your family has no right to try and sway him against it, and like you said it's already paid for so it's a little too late and they just need to accept it and support you. It is probably very overwhelming for him and men just don't know how to deal. I hope you have a better day today and he apologizes. ((HUGS))

[JessP]

I will admit my Dh didn't want any but agreeed to one, then another. He only "agreed" to a third after we had our first loss. After our second loss he didn't want anymore. I don't know that DH wanted this one but he is happy that I am happy and happy to welcome another child into our home. Sometimes the fear of having a baby is more than they can handle. And sometimes making us happy is more important to them. They wouldn't choose it but they don't mind it either. I don't know if that makes sense. Kind of like going to dinner. They don't want to go where you go but they go and make happy to make you happy which in the end makes them happy. Ok now I just sound crazy. I am so sorry. I didn't tell my family because they don't agree with us having more or any for that matter. I am sorry yours is so bad. I would for sure be telling my sister to mind her own darn business and stay out of mine. And my dad can kiss it. Its not his family or his decision. Its your money and your life and they aren't living it. I hope you and DH have a nice talk tonight. Sorry you are so hurt.

[sweet.hun]

All I can say is maybe he's just afraid. And once you get pregnant and he sees that little heartbeat on the monitor he'll do a full 360 change. I don't know. But I'm so incredibly sorry that all this is happening now.

I think you need to tell your family to butt out of your life and your decisions. It's not their choice, it's yours. And there are things that you can do to cut costs. Even cloth diapering will save you a ton of money.

But, I think you need to sit down with him and show him how much money it's going to take to raise another child. Maybe he will feel a lot better when he sees actual numbers in front of him.

[mom2moose]

Your whole situation sucks and I'm sorry you're going through it. Your father and sister need to butt out, especially on something this big and that totally does NOT affect them!!!! And your sister could not be more wrong on how expensive children are. There are SO many ways to cut costs. Garage sales, used stuff, cloth diapers, breast feeding versus formula, etc. She should shut her mouth about something she obviously knows very little about.

You are in a very tight spot with your hubby. I agree with Katie that you both need to sit down, and calmly discuss things. No one can help you with your final decision. It's for you alone to make. And what a hard one it will be. I am so sorry for what you're going through. I hope you find some peace and that a decision can be made that will make you AND yourt hubby happy. Good luck!

[nala139]

I am so sorry. I felt just a small fraction of the hurt you are going through when DH and I first started ttc. He really wasn't into it and said the only reason he was ok with trying was because it made me happy, and then he would be all wishy washy and change his mind all the time. Our sex life really suffered at the beginning of our marriage. I cried myself to sleep often and felt so alone. I can't imagine how bad it feels with you guys being so far into the process but hopefully, in the end you guys will be closer because of all of this. No one can take away that desire to be a mom and I don't think our DH's will ever really understand that but I do agree that once he sees a growing little baby inside of you he will likely be more accepting.

[LindseyE117]

Hubby just called and said that he did not mean anything that he said. So now it is just a true fear of having a baby. I guess he regrets going over board with everything last night.

I talked to my sister earlier and pretty much told her to mind her own d*mn business. Then I guess she felt bad about the fight and called James to apologize. He then felt the need to call me and apologize. I guess my reaction upset him and made him go into attack mode.

He finally admitted that he does want this baby, and my miscarriage was a huge wake up call to him. I guess he had never hurt like that before. But he has a huge fear over money, the child itself, and so on. Which is completely understandable. Still, with that being said, some of the things he told me were way out of line. He apologized for him. I guess he was just trying to hurt me and get the upper hand in the fight. He begged me not to cancel the IVF cycle, but said that if the embryos are excellent, he will only let me transfer one the first try. Which I am fine with. I know he has a huge fear of twins. We will always have the 2nd try covered with how ever many embryos I want.

So here I sit, still confused over what happened last night, still a little upset, and slightly sickly full from eating too much lunch and over an hour at the pool with the kids.

Once again, thank all of you so much for being my support during this time. It helps not to feel so alone in all of this madness. It also helps to know that I am not as crazy as I think I am.

[JessP]

I am glad he called and apologized and you guys got to talk a bit. I am also glad you talked to your sister. Men really are silly sometimes. Many prayers that you get a healthy sticky bean with the first cycle and all your dreams come true.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Glad to hear that you are him are on the same page now and that you told your sister how you felt Sometimes standing up for yourself does wonders!

[missy123]

[LindseyE117]

After going back over everything I wrote, I must say I rant a lot! Lol. I must be filled with words.

[mmllhh]

Linds, I'm glad he came around. I think his reaction is typical. Men like to have control of things, not to say controlling but have control. KWIM? and this is one area in life that we/he/them cannot control. He sounds like he needed to flip out to get all his emotion out and then be able to deal with it. I hate fights like this but sometimes it is exactly what we as couples need to do. Can't wait to hear all the good news coming up from you.