[Erin84]

And I'm not thinking about killing myself or anything... But you know that phrase, "God doesn't give us more than we can handle"? If that were true, suicide wouldn't exist. Just saying... From an atheist's perspective, that saying is dumb as ****.

[terajet]

I am catholic and sometimes I question that thought as well. Hopefully things start looking better for you soon.

[Micksbabe]

I hate when people say that to me, it drives me bonkers!!

[mmllhh]

I was just saying today, the TTCAL tests your faith in God. It's hard some days. I'm not a super religious person, I haven't been to church in years unless there is a wedding or someone has died. But I don't like that TTCAL makes me feel this way.

[missy123]

Please keep taking your anti-depressants Erin. And I agree with you all. TTCAL puts you to the test. There were times when I really wanted to jump off a bridge and all sorts of crazy feelings. Lean hard on those that love you during this time.

I understand and it sucks so bad.

[okiliz]

I can say I agree and I do... People say that to me.. and I'm like.. well.. for one.... I just can't belive in god right now... I know, not the popular thing to say.. but.. I just can't... For two.. Life is to unfair to think that any one god would choose to put those who love him through the loss of a child or more then one... I know it might sound bitter .. but .. thats just how I feel personally ...

[pinkorblue7]

I'm deleting this comment! See second page for edits! Sorry for the upset and confusion!!!

[Erin84]

Maybe it makes sense to you, but since I don't believe in God, it will never make sense to me. So you're saying I made my bed and now I have to lie in it? I made a bed of losing my five day old son, then having an early miscarriage, and that's what I'm lying in? I don't even know you... Guess since I decided to even try and get pregnant in the first place, this is what I deserve, right? The right decision is to stop trying because if I keep it up, I'm just making my bed again? That's a disgusting thing to say to someone experiencing a loss, "We make our bed and lie in it."

[Erin84]

Another thought: You couldn't even be bothered to comment on any of my recent posts. No congrats, no reassurances, no "I'm praying to my BFF Jesus for you!", just silence. Then you want to come here and say some **** like that to me? This is why I have a problem with Christians who like to preach more than they like to practice. I bet God has a special plan in mind for me, doesn't he? Or maybe he just needed one more angel up in heaven?

[Braysmomma03]

I am a christian, and i can say TTCAL really has tested my faith...there have been times where I just want to scream "OK enough all ****ing allready, Ive had enough" I pray so much for you ladies, even more than myself. To me personally I have to believe in something higher than myself, because with all I have been through(rape, multiple miscarriages, 2 very abusive relationships, living with a child molester and it happening in my house and never even knowing it until 2 years later and the list goes on and on)if I didn't have faith in something I would have killed myself a long time ago. I am so sorry that person came on and said the things she has said to you. Honestly that's the reason I still can't stand many Christians because they think they are hollier than everyone else(my pastor actually laughs when I say that) I know you don't believe but I will cont. to pray for you and your family, I don't talk much here, mostly stalk but I feel a connection to you ladies here and my heart literally aches for you and all the others here.

[Erin84]

See, Michelle, that was beautiful, appropriate, heartfelt... And I appreciate it. I will always accept prayers, I think faith in MOST cases is a wonderful thing. I'm not one of those people who thinks I've got it all figured out -- I know there's as much of a chance that I'm wrong as there is that a Buddhist, Christian, or Muslim is wrong. So I don't think prayer is useless or faith is naiive or anything... I just lack faith. But thank you for sharing yours with me and saying a prayer, it really does mean a lot.

[momof6lopez]

Erin, I had many days like the one your having....Ive said some cruel things out loud even, things I would never say in better circumstnaces.....I dont want to make this about religion, as it can get really heated, really fast.....I just hope that whatever faith you have/believe in will get you through this difficult time. I hope that poster was merely speaking of suicide, as this it what you referenced in your original post.....We all can agree that the circumstances that have lead you into this dark day were NOT YOUR CHOICE, by any means......and Im certain if I walked a MINUTE in your shoes, I would say and feel all of the same things as you, and I do have faith......but enough is enough, and for what you have been through, I would certainly have to question all of my beliefs, thats for sure.

Just thinking about you and praying your miracle is right around the corner.

[Erin84]

Yeah, and I get that suicide is an individual choice, but if it's true that God will never give us more than we can handle, suicide is a sign that we can't cope anymore, so then in that case, we've been given more than we can handle. It's like that belief that God is only responsible for the good stuff, or that even when bad stuff happens he has something better in store for us, whether it's a child I never would have met otherwise or just a learning experience... But that when something bad happens, something that's unexplainable and awful and there is no silver lining, then it's Satan, and God had nothing to do with it, etc. If I miscarry, I will learn nothing from it, no good will come from it. It's just more pain. And I'm not thinking about killing myself or anything, but it's just something else piling up on top of the hurt. I think faith is so beautiful, and I often wish I had faith in SOMETHING, but I don't. I will never look down on someone for their faith, but if they're using that faith in a way that's hurtful to others (like Westboro), I certainly reserve the right to be upset with them. I have faith in science, in myself, in my family and friends, and I know that will get me through. Those who place their faith in God during hard times, I applaud them as well. I'm just not one of them.

[momof6lopez]

Erin, anyone who believes in God, should also understand where you are coming from.....especially on this board. I mean this board is for those who have lost a child/baby/pregnancy, whatever we have been through. if they say dont, then they have not been put through what you have. The loss of a child can cause any strong Christian person to have doubt in what they believe in, if they say otherwise, well then....they should be called a saint.

I just wish your pain could be eased some, some how.....and I know realisticly there is nothing that can make that happen quickly.....for that, Im trully sorry. Just want you to know, no matter what your thoughts are, your not alone in them.

[Erin84]

Thank you. That's really sweet.

[Jen71]

I haven't been in your exact shoes, so I can't understand the depths of your pain. I can only imagine, and it makes my heart break when I do.

I don't think that God causes bad things to happen (I don't put it all on Satan either). I think bodies are bodies. My soul belongs to God, and my body is of the earth. So with that, God may not cause us to getting things like cancer or miscarriages,etc. But, I believe he is there for us through all the good and all the bad things that happen to our bodies via nature. I don't want to think that God "gives us" things that we can or can't handle. But with faith, we can trust that no matter what, He will bring us peace.

I'm wishing for peace for you. (Hugs!!!)

[Erin84]

That too, I think that's a beautiful way of looking at things. Thank you.

[LilHerndon]

I don't want to get into the religious debate here, since I am not religious, and really never have been, I don't think anything I have to put towards it would help at all. Although I will say that the saying "you make your bed so lie in it" is likely the most inappropriate thing I have seen on a TTCAL board. Yeah cause all of the women on this board CHOSE to have this happen to them. Sorry Christian-babble lady, that is not how it goes. Sure that notion may work for say, a criminal being sent to prison or something, but a bunch of heartbroken mothers?? Yeah...you are off your freaking rocker.

I suppose what Christian-babble lady does not understand is the fact that we didn't choose to not believe in God or His graciousness or the idea that we only get as much as we can handle...we were FORCED into where we are now. Perhaps we would all believe and have tons of faith and ******* sing koombaya holding hands if this **** never happened to any of us, but it has. So go ahead and call us tainted or forsaken or wrong, the fact of the matter is we were MADE to feel this way. We never made any bed for ourselves, but regardless now we are stuck lying in it.

Anyways, back to the real issue at hand (the initial post), I agree with what you say, and the statement "God never gives us more than we can handle" is extremely misleading. If there is a God (meaning one ultimate all-knowing power force chillin in heaven or somewhere awesome), which I have yet to decide if I believe in, then He is extremely bad at determining which people can handle what. Perhaps God is really just awful at reading people and throws **** at them whenever He pleases for His own amusement, and then when they off themselves realizes "Oh ****, I guess that one was too much.." Unfortunately, since God is all-powerful and supposedly perfect, He will never learn from His own mistakes, and continues to throw **** at people that are ready to break. Does this make a person a coward for suicide? Nah, not really. Does it make God a ******* for sending **** their way? Kinda, but it's more ignorance than anything.

The biggest thing is having the strength to stand up and look at where you've been, and decide you are not ready to give in, because you can beat God at His fun and games of ****-throwing. Despite the bad things, there are good things and people that can make life worthwhile, and during these hard times, it is important to look forward and embrace the happy things you can.

Erin, you are so strong, and it is not only because of what you have been through in the past, but who you innately are. Everything about you makes people realize there is an energy within you that may dim in hard times, but does not go out. That strength and energy is something you will never lose, but you can build further on it. Happy times are in the works, they will happen, even though they are hard to think about now. We all love you, and will do whatever we can to help you through these trials.

P.S. Sorry this is a book.

[JessP]

After my first loss I was very angry with God. How could he take my child while people I felt were less deserving got to keep theirs. It just wasn't fair. I have learned alot in the last three years and had my faith tested . However I don't believe he causes things to happen. We are sadly in a broken sinful world and sometimes bad things happen. Its no ones fault, no one is to blame. Life is just life and you live it the best you can. Suicide is to me someone giving up. And usually the person needed/wanted help and no one would support or help them. Most of the time they didn't really want to die they just didn't know what else to do to get help. And honestly sometimes I think that comes back to people not being willing to help each other anymore . I have been down that dark road a couple times. It's the reason my children's names are tattooed on my wrists, so that I remember there is something wonderful and great worth living for. I don't believe its that God gave them more than they could handle, I just think they didn't want to try anymore. They gave up on themselves. This is just how I feel with where I have been in my life.
Erin I pray for all the ladies in TTCAL, PL, PAL that they may all go on to have beautiful rainbow babies some day. And that they may find peace with their losses no matter how many children they have. I am so sorry for everything you have been through and are going through. PL is a crappy place to be and after my second loss if I hadn't started running its hard to know where I would be now. Running saved me from my depression.

[nala139]

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for all you have been through, Erin. I cannot even fathom how painful losing a baby you carried to term would be. My miscarriage was early, but so so heartbreaking and I just cannot imagine the pain you experienced. People said to me on numerous occasions, even family members, that "it just wasn't the right time." I didn't say anything back but it just made me even more sad because I had waited SO long for this and I truly believed that it WAS the right time. I wish with all of my heart that we will all get our precious rainbow babies soon. I really think that is the only way I will heal from the pain of infertility and miscarriage.