[LindseyE117]

I need you ladies.

I posted something similar in TTCWMA. So I was so excited all day today. I talked to my nurse this morning and we confirmed everything for our IVF next month. My meds arrived, and I picked up my BC from the pharmacy this afternoon. I was nervous but flying on cloud 9 all day with excitement over all of this. I am supposed to start my BC tomorrow.

Well while I was over at my sisters visiting, I guess I missed a call from the nurse at our clinic. Turns out my FSH is higher than they want it at 10.3. She said now we will have to change all my medication and run more tests on me and blah blah blah. Well I got that message at 8 pm. So now I have no idea what is going on because all I heard is well now these meds are cheaper, this blood work costs this, and more money this and that. I freaked. So I ran upstairs and read online. I saw pre menopause, bad quality eggs, and higher chance of failed IVF. So I completely lost it. Balled like a baby. Curled up in a ball. My poor husband could not console me and my children were freaked out that I could not stop crying.

I keep reading some ok things about this and some bad online. I am so scared now. We stand to lose $10k on all of this and I might never get my rainbow baby. We get 2 tries and that is it. We are done after that. We cannot afford anything after that. Ladies I need support please. I know it might not be all bad, but I cannot help but sense something bad with all of this. It keeps coming back one bad thing after another. Maybe my family is right in calling me stupid for spending all this money for nothing. Maybe God really does not want me to have any more children. All I want to know is why? I want a child with James. Is that too much to ask?

[Erin84]

Lindsey that is so not fair! I don't have ANY experience in this, so I don't have any advice or knowledge to offer... But know that I'm sitting here at my computer, right now, and if you want someone to talk to, I'M HERE FOR YOU. Cry all you want, girl, let it out. I usually find that after a good cry I'm able to find a little clarity.

[LindseyE117]

Thanks Erin. I guess I have just made myself so down right now. I cannot sleep and it is almost midnight here. I feel so low and depressed after such a good day. I keep praying to God and hoping that it is all just a fluke and if I retest it will all be ok. Then again, I also have a huge fear and getting more bad news.

It has been over 3 years of TTC with one loss. I have been tortured over and over again by my family with them telling me that I shouldn't have any more children. That James does not need a biological child and that I should be happy with what I have. I even got the same ole lecture by my father again over at my sister's house tonight. I ignored it though because I was in such a good place. Now I am beginning to think that they were right all along. Maybe my desire to have another child should be let go.

I don't know Erin. I am letting my fear take over me again. I could be alright for all I know, yet here I am letting the unknown eat away at every last bit of my soul.

[nala139]

I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you can get more info about all of this from the doctor. I don't know much about all this stuff either but I have read that stress can make your FSH temporarily elevated. I really hope it was just a fluke. I don't think that your family is right about wasting money on this. You have a desire for another child and there is NOTHING wrong with that. I really hope that the rest of this process goes smoothly for you and that you get your BFP in the 1st cycle.

[TnPhotoMama81]

I am so sorry I am so scared to have my FSH checked...I feel like mine will be elevated too. I always wonder if I have been making "bad eggs". I would feel like you do....there is nothing wrong with you wanting a child with your husband. Don't listen to those people! I know it must be hard when its your own family trying to bring you down.

<3 I wish this wasn't so hard for you guys.

[doremi]

I'm so sorry the day went from a happy one to an awful one. As for the pressure from your family... they are in the wrong. It is up to YOU AND DH whether or not another child would be right for your family. As long as you believe in your gut that it is, then that is what matters. Nobody else has a right to pressure you to make a different decision. How many children to have and the lengths you are willing to go to in order to have them is so highly personal. What is "right" for one person might be absolutely wrong for another.

[okiliz]

I think one of the worst things about infertility is the price tag they put on it... because you really can't put a price tag on a baby... I kind of understand how you feel because my family does not 100%/understand why we want to have another baby.. why I "must"have another baby.... You know.. you as a mommy know... Yeah it sucks to get the bad news.. and really nothing I can say will make it better... but... labs are off sometimes, levels can change... you can sell your meds to make some of the money back or see if your RE's office will swap them , or hang onto them for the next try(if you even need another try ) ... Try to look at the extra tests as another chance to make extra extra sure that they have EVERYTHING right .. while I have never done IVF , I pray if it does come to that that they have everything as near to perfect as they can... Erin is right, when I get super upset about something , if I let it all out and cry like the world is ending, turn on some sad music and CRY some more, really let my heart bleed... then I feel much better and can look at the situation so much more clearly and come up with a better plan !!! I hope you feel better :-)

[.:Shortcake:.]

Lindsey ((HUGS)) I know this journey is frustrating and I know that when we are hit with yet another obstacle we feel like we might as well give up but where will that get you? The obstacle there gives you two choices a.) Give up and never get your rainbow baby (and I know you don't want that) b.) re-plan your course of action and get that rainbow baby. We love you and are here for you.

[StaceygirlPa]

I am so sorry you got bad news again. I am scared to get my FSH checked. I was supposed to get it checked this past cycle but I blew it off. I agree with Katie where she said you have two choices. a) Give up and never get your rainbow baby (and I know you don't want that) b.) re-plan your course of action and get that rainbow baby. We love you and are here for you. With my last lost I thought about giving up. The thing that keeps me going is I want to make Dh a daddy and I want to be a mommy. I know one day I will hold our rainbow baby. I hope things start to look up for you. We are here for you.

[luvmykids623]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I remember one of the ladies on TTCMA saying that FSH numbers change by the hour during your cycle. I'm going to pray that when they did the draw they were a little high, but that they'll come back down. I know Missy has experience with high FSH. I hope she's able to give you some good advice on what it all means.

[pepper73]

Lindsey, I'm sorry you are having such a rough time! I agree with the others. Your family has absolutely no right to dictate what you should or shouldn't do with your life. All of us here feel that need to be mothers so I totally understand where you are coming from and how you want one with your DH. Your family needs to butt out. As for the tests, it's too easy to get all kinds of conflicting information from internet searches and they can really get your mind racing in the wrong direction. Try not to take too much of what you found online to heart and just wait until the doctor can totally explain everything to you and tell you your options. We are all here for you and I hope that you are feeling better today!

[lindsey2000k]

I am sorry you are having such a tuff time
I wish I had great words of wisdom.

[LindseyE117]

All I want to say is thank you so much ladies for putting up with my crazy. I did not get to bed until 1 am last night due to the stress of the unknown. DH let me sleep in this morning (I told him to wake me up at 7 to call my doctor) but my sister woke me up at 7:30 to ask why I was so upset (facebook post).

Anyway, I talked to a different nurse today. I so like her better than mine. I might ask if I can keep her. I guess mine has been on vacation and that is why everything is so confusing. She told me that yes, my FSH is a little high, as anything under 10 is considered good. She also told me that Dr Schnell is not worried about it. In fact, all it means is chaning my meds to produce a better cycle. They do want me to go in today to give some more blood for another test that is relatively new that checks only for the quality of the eggs. She said it is called AMA or something similar. I forget the exact name of the hormone test. Anyway, she said that this hormone is not like FSH and does not fluctuate. Plus, I can get it taken at any day in the cycle. This will be a more accurate diagnosis for my egg quality. Because of my money situation too, the doctor is doing it free of charge, which is extremely nice.

Anyway, because they are changing my meds, it actually works to my advantage. My other meds were ordered but not delivered yet, so they can be returned. These ones were part of my out of pocket meds and if changed will save me hundreds of dollars. WAY better for me.

Anyway, I started my antibiotics for my procedure and my BC gets started tonight. In 10 days I start lupron. I go in at 11 to do my blood work. They are even letting me take my kids with me.

With all that being said, my emotions have been all over the place with TTC. So once again, thank you ladies for putting up with me. I do tend to get over dramatic, but with something so life changing on the line, it's scary. Plus the constant added stress of my family is putting more pressure on that I do not need. Thank you for listening.

[momof6lopez]

Lindsey, Im so sorry for the place your in right now. I can tell you that I had a FSH of 14.1 and went on to have my rainbow baby and another one on the way. High FSH is not the end of the world when you have had children before, your body can still produce good eggs. Your number is borderline, maybe even lower than that, as all dr's have their own standard. I know its another bump in the road, and for that Im truly sorry. Im praying that the change they want to do in your meds will result in the same outcome they had hoped for. Just wanted you to know that their is hope. Thinking of you.

ETA: I just saw your recent post, and wanted to let you know that the test they are running is AMH. I had this done too, and my number was not good at all. My RE wanted it to be over 1.5 and mine was a .68. It still was not the end of the world for me, as you can see. Good luck with this test, and I pray that its exactly what your RE is looking for!

[lindsey2000k]

Sounds like things are changing for the better money wise.
I wish you good luck and hope you only need 1 try.

[joanna26]

I'm new here so I don't know your whole story (and I am no expert in IVF) but it sounds like things are still moving forward in a positive direction I am so sorry your family is putting added stress on you right now. There is absolutely no justification for that.

[*SamF*]

I'm so glad they were able to clear things up for you this morning! And it does sound better with the cheaper meds! I hate messages because if they don't tell you everything it is so easy to fill in all the blanks yourself.

I really hope this works for you on the first try! And ignore your family! Only we can decide when our families are complete. I get the looks from a lot of people who know my age. (most don't realize how old I am- I look way younger).

[acchickpea]

Thinking of you! It seems to slowly get better... It's always the delivery of the messages from the nurse that makes us all sensitive... Hope that you will receive promising news to come!
Hugs!

[doremi]

Glad things are lookin' up today! It sounds like you have a really good doctor, and that things are moving in the right direction!

[LindseyE117]

Thanks ladies. Here is something sure to make some of your blood boil. My sister called me after my blood draw to see how talking to my doctor went. I posted on Facebook last night that I got more bad news and that I was devestated. So she called bright and early today to find out what was wrong.

Anyway, so I told her later today what the nurse said and her response was...."I do not know why James and you are wasting all this money. I know it is your life, but I can honestly tell you that I feel deep down in my heart that it is not going to work. You will not get pregnant and you will waste all your money for nothing. I just have a feeling is all. So do not get your hopes up."

Wow.... WOW..... That hurt me more than anything. Yay for kicking me when I am down!!