[Banned-elly03]

This person was asking from a purely intellectual, and knowledge seeking point of view, and had no malintent. They asked me and family members which is worse: IF or m/c (in either case, never getting a take-home baby).

My MIL struggled with m/c and IF for years (13 pregnancies in 20 years of trying, IF started around 8yrs/12th loss). My ILs ended up adopting my H and his sister.
My SIL has IF, SIF, and several issues that prevent her from even getting pregnant. Fortunately, with 5 years invested for each, she has had 2 beautiful kids, 8 and almost 3.
My parents had 6 successful pregnancies
I've had 2 successful pregnancies, 5 losses.


None of us came up with the same answer. There was a discussion about losses, and every second we've gotten to spend with our angel babies being a gift (as I try to see it), and about the ill impact of losses on us (as my therapist and I are currently working on).
I am a "Its better to have loved and lost than never loved at all" person, most of the time. My husband and parents understand that. My husband lost his daughter at nearly 6 months. He wouldn't trade his time with her for the world. My parents would go through everything with my brother again, even knowing of his terminal condition.
But losing a child destroys your world. It changed my husband's path completely, dropping out of his final year of law school to go off to iraq (early '03). It ended my parents' previously-solid marriage. And my losses have definitely cast a profound shadow on my life.


My SIL and MIL were really the only ones that could comment on IF. Having been pregnant 5 times in the last year, its not really my strong suit.
MIL described a comparison of the two, having dealt with both:
A starving prisoner. Would you rather have the food right in front of you, but just out of your reach, or would you rather never even get to see your food?


I can't even answer it ^that^ nonemotionally-involved way!

I'll vote for neither.

[pepper73]

Wow, that must have been a truly intense and emotional discussion. I vote for neither also. Your MIL's perspective is definitely one to ponder. I would definitely view both as losses....and most definitely, they both produce lost hope.

[luvmykids623]

I vote for neither as well. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, it all depends on the perspective of the person who has been through it. I've been on both sides of the fence. I went from getting pregnant 5 times on the first try but losing 3 of them to not being able to get pregnant at all. Both are their own special brand of hell. I wouldn't wish either on my worst enemy.

[.:Shortcake:.]

I agree I vote neither.

[*SamF*]

I vote neither too. Both are their own kind of personal hells.

[Nia1978]

It's hard to say, both are terrible. For myself, it took a year to get pregnant. Even though I miscarried, I'm happy that I finally experienced carrying a child, even if it was brief. I feel relieved that my body is at least able to get pregnant. Saying that, if I end up having repeated miscarriages, I would probably feel that neither are any easier to deal with.

[3Sapphires]

neither, IF is slow form of torture, it gives hope and takes it away - devastating in it's own way.

m/c is an intense crushing blow


both are horrible.

[Shadeauxe]

What is IF? I'm not sure if you mean IVF or something else.

[luvmykids623]

Originally Posted by Shadeauxe

What is IF? I'm not sure if you mean IVF or something else.

Infertility

[kaylakay]

I wouldn't wish either on anyone... And one really isn't worse.

[Shadeauxe]

Correct me if I am wrong, but aren't recurring miscarriages a sign of infertility?

Or is the question, "Would you rather have a hard time getting pregnant but when you do, you go full term with a healthy baby or would you rather get pregnant easily but have to go through several miscarriages for each successful pregnancy"?

In that case, I would choose infertility hands down. The mental trauma of infertility is very similar to the mental trauma of miscarriage, but miscarriage brings a lot of physical trauma into the mix that infertility does not.

[Banned-elly03]

Originally Posted by Nia1978

It's hard to say, both are terrible. For myself, it took a year to get pregnant. Even though I miscarried, I'm happy that I finally experienced carrying a child, even if it was brief. I feel relieved that my body is at least able to get pregnant. Saying that, if I end up having repeated miscarriages, I would probably feel that neither are any easier to deal with.

{{hug}} I kwym

Originally Posted by Shadeauxe

Correct me if I am wrong, but aren't recurring miscarriages a sign of infertility?

Or is the question, "Would you rather have a hard time getting pregnant but when you do, you go full term with a healthy baby or would you rather get pregnant easily but have to go through several miscarriages for each successful pregnancy"?

In that case, I would choose infertility hands down. The mental trauma of infertility is very similar to the mental trauma of miscarriage, but miscarriage brings a lot of physical trauma into the mix that infertility does not.

yes, that is basically the question being asked.

[joanna26]

That is such a tough question and I honestly don't know the answer. Maybe the worst is the combination of the two? A part of me says that I would rather never get pg again than have another miscarraige, but I don't really know if that is true. At least getting a bfp gave me hope after months of bfns that one day I will have another child. I wouldn't wish either one on my worst enemy.

[cheeky_monkey]

Since both options crush you I am finding it very hard to choose between them. Only thing I know (I am infertile btw) is that I do feel lucky that I managed to get pregnant. It was hell loosing the baby and it still hurts but at least I know what a 6 week pregnancy baby 'looks like'. There are many infertile women out there who do not even manage to get pregnant. In a way it is like being in prison and seeing food you can't touch, but on the other hand hopefully that leaves some hope that someone might pass by and push it a bit towards you! since both are hell I'm looking at the only positive side I've managed to find - at least for a few weeks I was a mummy carrying her child

[CAMPMOMMYAMY]

Originally Posted by Shadeauxe

Correct me if I am wrong, but aren't recurring miscarriages a sign of infertility?

Or is the question, "Would you rather have a hard time getting pregnant but when you do, you go full term with a healthy baby or would you rather get pregnant easily but have to go through several miscarriages for each successful pregnancy"?

In that case, I would choose infertility hands down. The mental trauma of infertility is very similar to the mental trauma of miscarriage, but miscarriage brings a lot of physical trauma into the mix that infertility does not.

My m/c's have wrecked my body, cycles, and who knows what else. Infertility is just as horrible as m/c, but with each m/c I had it was almost like I lost 3-4 months of life with sadness that I lost my baby and meds and doctor apts. The chemicals are not as bad as far as emotionally (at least to me) but they still wreck my cycles and body too. I'm one of those people who gets my hopes up about everything, and each time I lose the baby it's devastating. At least wtih IF I wouldn't have that huge loss constantly.

[Jen71]

That's a very tough one. I've dealt with SIF and m/c. My SIL is my age (40) and has been trying for the last 3 years to get pg. When I lost my angel in March, she said she thought I was still very lucky to at least know I can get pregnant AND because I have 2 children. At the time I felt hurt because I was hurting so much, I just figured she had no idea the pain of m/c. But really I think she's right. When I was dealing with SIF, it was a different kind of pain and longing that felt as though it would never end. I don't know if I'll ever be blessed again with pregnancy. I don't know, if I was forced to pick one I would rather have "love and loss" as pp put it.

[newmommysarah]

I'd chose IF over having miscarriage after miscarriag, at least then u know your options and are not on this horrid emotional rollercoaster that goes for years and years. Giving u hope then taking it away. If I was IF then I could make a plan and find a way around it.