[AndyBee]

DH and I finally agreed that we would would finally start ttc. I have my IUD removal scheduled for Aug 2nd and we would be waiting a cycle before actively trying. Well that was all fine and dandy before yesterday.

I work in the pediatric ICU and yesterday was horrible. A sweet precious little one passed, and watching the mother mourn was all to real. I saw her and saw myself. I saw how broken I was and I don't know if I'm ready to possibly go through all of that again. Our son died from a genetic disorder which all our children have a 1:4 possibility of having.

I've been trying to have faith, trust that whatever happens is meant to happen. But I don't know if I can survive another loss like that. We won't even be able to find out whether or not our next baby has this disorder until I'm 17 weeks along. The only way to check for it is via u/s and they can't really tell until that point. Technically they could do an amnio, but my dr says the risk is too great at that stage and I would hate myself if we tested, it was negative, and then I lost the baby due to complications. So, I'm stuck with waiting 17 weeks. Then what? That's when we found out before. So it would be the same ordeal all over again...

I want so badly to have a child, one to hold in my arms. I feel so guilty because I look at DSD and love her dearly, but it's not the same. I hate that it's not the same. I love her, but... she's not *my* daughter. I just don't know if I can willingly allow myself to be exposed to this pain again.

How did you know you were ready to try again? How do you deal with the fear?

[acchickpea]

I would say that you would have to face your fears to move forward..... Your body will let you know... (I know.. it's so much easier to tell someone then to listen to your own thoughts)

[.:Shortcake:.]

I still feel the pain just like it was yesterday at certain moments. And I can tell you that with time it has gotten easier to deal with but it will never go away. What keeps me trying is I know in my heart I'm meant to be a mother and without trying I will never be one. So I continue to put myself back out there time and time again until it happens. ((HUGS)) Only you know when your ready.

[doremi]

I think you just know in your gut that you are meant to try again, and then it is a matter of getting to a point where you are brave enough to actually do it. Good luck to you!

[luvmykids623]

For me I felt like I needed to try again before each loss was even over. The pain has gotten better with time, but I still feel it like it was yesterday at times. I've had that problem even more lately with our struggles to ttc after my 3rd loss. The fear is all consuming. I can't tell you how to deal with that, because I'm very bad at it. I try to take it one day at a time, and that is the best I've come up with in the 6 years since my first loss. I am so sorry that you're dealing with this. I wish none of us had to know what this was like. I wish you luck and peace with whatever you choose!