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Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

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  #1  
August 8th, 2011, 10:30 PM
Celena's Avatar Proud JM hostess
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So we talk allot about us and what we're going thru, how we fell and cycle stuff...''

How are hubby's feeling? Thinking? Doing?
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  #2  
August 9th, 2011, 01:36 AM
doremi's Avatar Team Blue Mama of Two
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Mine never really felt any emotions after the m/c. He didn't feel connected to the baby. That has been hard for me, because I feel like he doesn't quite understand just how difficult this all was for me. Yeah, he thinks it is sad that we lost the pregnancy, but he doesn't grieve for the baby, or think about where we would be in our pregnancy like I do, because for him, the time was just too short from when we found out we were pregnant until when we miscarried for him to have formed much of a bond. And he definitely doesn't get how torturous this TTC process is for me, how it is a month long "event" every cycle. He only thinks about it during that small window of time when we're supposed to be trying to make the baby! Sigh. I know it's just how guys ARE... it's not their bodies going through all of this. They just have to shoot the sperm
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  #3  
August 9th, 2011, 07:00 AM
EJsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My hubby has greived along time his own way and I can see that his burning desire is to be dad and I to give him that opportunity. It is clearing up and now we are on our way to make that a reality.
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  #4  
August 9th, 2011, 07:25 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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My hubby never really talked about our loss. I could tell that he was hurting when I cried because I was hurting so much. But I don't really think that he grieved the loss like I did. He never felt connected with the baby.

Now he's just having fun with the trying to conceive part..lol. I don't really keep him up to date on my temps or when I'm ovulating and he's okay with that.
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  #5  
August 9th, 2011, 07:27 AM
*SamF*'s Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I don't think the losses really are 'real' to him. He tries to support me, but they don't seem to affect him. Otherwise he just looks forward to the trying part.
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  #6  
August 9th, 2011, 07:31 AM
StaceygirlPa's Avatar Waiting for our Miracle.
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Dh dosen't understand how I could get so upset over our losses. He dosen't understand how we connect with a baby the minute we see two lines. We have argue about it and we have talked about it. Dh just wants to see me happy and he dosen't like to see me hurt. Now that he back no board on trying things are working pretty good. Although I do hide from him when I am ovulating. Now only if af would show up so I can get the next cycle started.
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  #7  
August 9th, 2011, 07:59 AM
3Sapphires's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think my hubby did grieve a bit right after our loss, and his way of grieving was to get really angry. But as time went by - he seemed to forget.

I remember one night last year, I was brushing Adam's teeth and he asked me when something happened. I thought about it for a minute and I said, I think I was about 6 weeks pregnant so that would have made it the middle of may, and he said something along the lines of there is no way that was 2 years ago - referring to my pregnancy with Nate.

I said, no, this most recent may - he said to me - "you weren't pregnant this year" in such a snarky nasty tone. I just started crying and left him in the bathroom.

that hurt so much - we did talk about it, but I am not sure I have forgiven him yet. How could he just forget our baby like that? He has said similar things since and I try to just let it go.

He isn't going to remember, even though I still shed tears for my baby.
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  #8  
August 9th, 2011, 08:05 AM
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DH grieved just as hard as I did right after the m/c and then he moved on. He is 100% on board with TTC and really wants another baby, BUT he just doesn't understand why I think we need to start going through the fertility testing process. He has been telling me just to give it another month or two for months. I can't decide if he honestly doesn't think there is a problem, is in denial (maybe if I ignore the problem then it will go away), or is simply scared that "he" is the problem and feels somehow threatened by that.
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  #9  
August 9th, 2011, 10:09 AM
Shadeauxe's Avatar It's me
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OK, so I didn't feel like I would be able to accurately describe my husband's feelings, so I asked him to write what he felt. The words below are from him. I added the headers and spell checked.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Miscarriage
I was surprised at the miscarriage. I suppose in my own naive way, I assumed everything would be fine with the pregnancy. In my mind, I already knew who she was, even called her (in my head), Boudica (sounds like bood-ick-ah). At the miscarriage diagnosis, the doctor said it's the body's way of hitting the reset button if the pregnancy isn't going well, so I felt ok about it.

I think of the miscarriage as the soul's way of saying, "no thanks, when it's the right body for me, I'll come back". In this way, the miscarriage experience was more about feeling bad for my wife, I was ok. I didn't feel like I "lost" a child, I just felt like they were standing there in line waiting for the right opportunity to step into our lives.

TTC
Trying to conceive again is a mixed bag. I have such an amazing son (together with my wife) that if it happens, wonderful! If it doesn't, that's ok to. My son already taught me what it is to truly love someone, and I've been lucky with those around me.

My biggest concerns about conceiving are, of course, age and how that effects the child. My wife's feelings on having another kid (and the hurt of another wasted month). After that, I worry about my son. I put so much attention on him when we're together that I already feel guilty when thinking of another child, knowing I'll be less focused on him. In many ways, this is good for children, still, it's hard for us parents to take a step back.

I feel super lucky to have my son. It's hard to imagine another child being as incredible, so it's like trying to hit the lottery twice.
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