[kelbert]

I am currently going through loss number two. This one has gone farther than the first. I was told that things didn't progress and that i was going to have a m/c or end up doing a D&C. I go to the doc on Monday and if nothing has happened by then, I will schedule the D&C.

I know people are just concerned about me that know what is going on. But I think they really have NO clue. Most people in my life have never experienced a loss and if they have, they have 2 or 3 kids so it did happen for them at one point or another.

I get tired of being asked.. "so how are you doing?" I give them the polite reply.. "I am doing ok.. just taking it one day at a time"

But what I REALLY want to say is.. "I am not doing good. I am upset, angry, confused.. just generally ticked off. I am sick of wondering why me? Why again? How can I have something in my body that was supposed to become a baby and didn't.. and its not going anywhere. I am just SITTING here waiting for my body to get rid of something that I had already become attached to. I am probably going to have to have my uterus scraped out. I had to go through IVF to even get to this point.. gave myself shots and loaded myself up with pills. We couldn't even do this naturally like everyone else I know. I have to fight tears every time I see a pregnant woman in a store.. or see someone's new baby pictures on FB. I don't want to hear about how TIRED you are because your baby woke you up. I don't want to think about how excited I was for this to finally happen. To think about how disappointed I am that I won't be pregnant at Christmas.. won't have my baby in April like I had been planning. I am NOT GOOD!!!"

That is how I really feel.

Sorry for the rant but I have nowhere to share how I feel. DH is wonderful, but nobody else really knows this side of things. I am hoping things will start getting better and I can be happy and positive again.

[Leanne78]

I'm so sorry you are going through this again Kelli! People who haven't been through a loss really do not understand. Even my husband (well meaning as he is) has no clue. People ask him how I'm doing and he's just "oh, she's doing great!" I'm like uh, no, I am not doing great, I'm not even doing fine. I'm an emotional mess. I cry when I'm alone in the shower, I have to look away when I see pregnant women, I fake enthusiasm for my pregnant friends who feel the need to tell me every little detail of their current pregnancy and the joy of a possible future pregnancy has been completely ruined for me. But because I don't complain and throw huge hissy fits - everyone thinks I'm "fine" and "over it". And since they were early losses, they were somehow not worthy of me being upset by them. People are clueless. (((HUGS)))

[3Sapphires]

*hugs* I am so sorry you are going through this again. It sucks and no one really gets it unless they have been there.

[fromustobaby]

I'm so sorry

[L-SBB]

(((((HUGS)))))

I lost my first pregancy also just before the holidays (which is its own different stress when dealing with a recent loss), and I totally understand the additional fear you have when you haven't yet had a child and m/c(s) then layer on new fear of never being able to have a successful pregnancy. I'm so sorry you're going through this a 2nd time....we're all here for you and feel free to vent away. ITA with everyone that those who haven't suffered a m/c don't truly understand what you're dealing with.

[kelbert]

Thank you so much ladies. I hate than anyone ever has to go through something like this.. and I hate that you all understand how I feel. Its a pain nobody should ever have to feel. But I knew you all would understand.

Some ladies suggested I come to this board and I am glad I did. Its like a virtual shoulder to cry on

Leanne - I had a good cry in the shower last night. I had been holding it in for so long.. it felt good to let it all out. Although I got soap in my nose

[BeckyBozeman]

I'm so sorry Kelli... It's not something that anyone should have to go through...

[cheeky_monkey]

Kelli what you described in your post is what I was feeling most of the time after I lost our baby. Since it was an early loss (if you consider nearly 10 weeks early) they expected me to just snap out of it. I was such a mess that I had to do for bereavement councelling. Most of the stuff we talked about in there I have to admit it I not even remember it coz I was too tormented and too 'busy' crying. But there is one thing that I remember talking about and the tip I got I tried it out. If ur feeling down, tell ppl that ur down, if ur feeling lost and angry tell them as well. If ur DH tells ppl that ur doing fine tell them that no, ur not - that u still need time to find ur bearings again. It might make ppl uncomfortable around you - but that is their problem not urs!!!ur the one who has lost a baby and NO ONE should expect you to be fine! by the end of it believe me you will know who ur real friends are coz they are the only ones who will stick by ur side - the others will simply diseappar.

Ir u act 'ok' in front of them they will think that you are really ok - so show them what ur really feeling. if they are not really interested in how ur feel eventually they will stop asking

[humnck]

I am ss you have to go through this a 2nd time! It is unfair and you are absolutely right, no one should ever have to go through this! My first loss was an "earlier" one than my last one, it was at 8w, althought technically it was earlier, they were just watching to see if anything changed. This one was at 12w (still "early") and neither one was easier than the other. Early, later, whatever, it is the same heartache either way. I pray that you can somehow find peace, believe me, it will take time, I cry at night sometimes after DH has fallen asleep, some commercials (that have nothing to do with babies, pg, or anything else) set me off...people don't understand unless they have gone through it. I had an outpouring of people that came to me and said, "I know nothing can make it better, I have been through it and it sucks" - there are just no better words than "it sucks"...

Let it out, it makes you feel so much better - just try not to get soap in your nose again

HUGS!!!!

[lindsey2000k]

I am so sorry.
I have gone through 4 losses so I know how you feel.
You have every right to be mad at the world right now.

((((HUGS)))))

[Nia1978]

I'm sorry for your losses and I totally get what you are saying. It took me a year to get pregnant, while it took many of my friends less than 3 months, and I am the only one who miscarried. I'm surrounded by clueless people and it is very frustrating!

[elizabethchallis]

I just had my miscarriage yesterday, I wasn't as far along as you but I have the same thoughts going through me. I'm so incredibly sorry. What gets me through the hard moments is thinking there is a bigger plan for me and when it does happen it's all going to be worth it.

[joanna26]

Sweetie I am so sorry And I feel the same way with just one loss. It has been four months since my loss and I am still angry, bitter, sad....definitely not ok. Rant away - that is what we are here for

[.:Shortcake:.]

((HUGS)) I am so sorry your having to go through this. I have been there so many times. And honestly now I tell people how I feel. If I'm having a bad day and they asked I'm going to tell them. We are here for you and we do understand.

[junglepeachpie]

I'm crying with you from a distance. Loss absolutely sucks and it's not fair. You've worked really hard for your baby! I'm so so sorry.

[LindseyE117]

Kelii, I am so sorry sweetie!! I know your pain, and I also know that there is nothing really that I can say that would make you feel better.

My first loss was in Oct. of last year, right before all the holidays. It would have been James' first baby and he was so happy. He went out and bought books about pregnancy and we were looking forward to our move to Texas. Needless to say we lost that one and it hurt, terribly. Then I get to Texas to family, friends, and friends of family being pregnant it hurt. Then months passed and nothing.

Anyway, enough about me because you know me. I am glad that you came over here. Everyone here has experienced loss, so everyone knows your pain. <<hugs>>

[TnPhotoMama81]

I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you have a place to come and get support from people who understand the pain. I hope that you can recover emotionally and physically and will be able to have your rainbow baby soon *huge hugs*

[missy123]

I am very sorry for your loss. I had 4 losses in 2.5 years and went through infertility treatments ect...

I completely understand your pain and everything you are going through - I was the queen of anger and hurt. I went through a lot of depression ect...

My advice - TELL PEOPLE how you feel. Don't say I am ok... day by day. I held in everything I was feeling for so long. Then I started telling people the truth - even those that were not close to me but found out what I was going through. When I opened up somewhat what happened is I found that many people have gone through what I have but no one talks about it.

I think my turning point was a woman in my building that saw me crying lightly one day as I walked out to my car asked me what was wrong. And I told this complete stranger what I was going through. She hugged me so tight and told me that her and her husband tried for 25 years to have a baby and were never able to - she knew my pain. Somehow that relieved a little of what I was feeling at that moment. Open up honey - don't hold it in. You never know who out there will end up being your biggest support system IRL.

(((Hugs))) I am so sorry you are going through this.

[kelbert]

Thank you so much for all your support and kind words. Good thing I don't have a class right now because your words brought me to tears.

I am a teacher so I work really hard to make sure my students don't see me upset. So I am really good at keeping a happy appearance. But I am going to take the advice some of you gave me and be honest how I feel.

When I told my principal about it she made me feel worse. She is a "tough love" person and actually told me that I wasn't the first one to go through this and wouldn't be the last. And told me I needed to be strong and that maybe God knew i wasn't ready. I was like W.T.F.?!? Then she gave me a hug. Weird woman.

One of my "best" friends that knows what all we have gone through to get pregnant actually told me through TEXT that she was pg. with number 3. Gee thanks! This was before IVF, but I had already had one loss and what a way to let me know.

Sorry I got off on a bunny trail.. ha. Thanks again ladies. Yall have already made me feel better

[acchickpea]

I've only had one loss but know that feeling of anger that no one else would know but one who has unfortunately had to deal with it. We are here for you...
Big Bear hug sent your way.... For me I just think that there is no sense to look back but to move forward and to see how we can recover... It is hard because once you think you are ok then something triggers the sadness pit in your stomach and it's back to square one... that will happen a few times but you will learn to deal with it a tad better then the next... "The Shower Cry" is a good start.
Rant all you want I know I do.....