This time last year.... :(

kaylakay · #1 September 13th, 2011, 10:19 PM

This time last year is when I first started dealing with my first loss... I had a surprise BFP on September 8th. I just woke up, was already 2 weeks late, and something told me just to test. I had an extra FRER from a pregnancy scare a few months ago so I just grab it and took it. There I was just have taken the test and right away a very thick perfect little line popped up. I was ecstatic. Dont get me wrong I was scared and nervous but so excited to say the least. I called EVERYONE! When I called DH he was at work and he didnt believe me so I had to send him a picture! (He was in shock) Let me just say by the end of the day everyone in our family knew... The next day we DH and I went and bought baby books and was looking at all the cute baby stuff and we just couldnt wait till we found out the gender.

I scheduled my first OB appointment and had it the next day all I did was fill out lots of papers, answer questions, and get 8 vials of blood taken from me. I was still on cloud 9. That night is when things started to get rocky... I was slightly spotting it wasnt anything red or anything just a light brown spotting. I called the OBs office and once again they reassured me it was okay and I had nothing to worry about...

But then the spotting got worse and started to slightly get redder and a little more at a time I went straight to the OB... He told me it was implantation bleeding and send me home with just getting my blood drawn for an HCG. I went home and tried to relax but I just couldnt the spotting got worse and worse and pretty soon I was gushing blood. I went to the ER they did an ultrasound and all you could see was a little dark spot and that was it... The ER called my OBs office and found my HCG was only 126 and they would repeat in 2 days... I was sent home with threatned miscarriage but the ER doctor was pretty blunt saying I would most likely miscarry... I tried to keep my hopes up but I just couldnt...

We were out to dinner the next night and I felt a huge gush and cramps like you wouldnt believe we drove home and I was crying I was in so much pain.... I literally just sat in the bath gushing blood watching greyish "chunks" coming out of me. (Sorry TMI) Here I was sitting in the bath, crying, wondering why me? WHY me? DH and I stayed in bed for hours on end just crying together. I have never seen DH cry so hard in my life. I knew I miscarried but still decided to go back for an HCG... It was 67. I bleed on and off for a few days and it went away. I felt numb... empty... and just plain cold. I went crazy and started DTD the deed like crazy determined to get pregnant and stayed pregnant 4 weeks later I got a BFP only to miscarry again... and another one in January only to be "suspected ectopic" treated with MTX shot...

So here I am a year later from my first loss with 3 all together. I am still childless and still doubtful. I dont know whats going to happen or if I ever will get the pleasure to carry, birth and raise my own child. All I know is I sure as hell hope I can. It is all I hope and pray for is to be a mother. The unknown is my biggest fear. DH and I will start actively trying again soon and everyday we do.... I will pray to God that he blesses me with a child.

Sorry this was so long... Its just an extremely hard week for me.

LilHerndon · #2 September 13th, 2011, 10:37 PM

I am so sorry for your losses. You are so strong to keep trying, and I know you will get your dream come true rainbow baby.

.:Shortcake:. · #3 September 14th, 2011, 03:46 AM

((HUGS)) I try not to look back on what was going on a year ago anymore. At this point with so many losses each month held sorrow for me as there was a EDD or Angelversary is almost all of them. Stay strong hun. It will happen for you.

pepper73 · #4 September 14th, 2011, 04:10 AM

I'm sorry you are having a rough week. Going through a loss is so hard. Don't give up hope...you will conceive and have a healthy, happy baby!! I totally agree that the unknown is hard to deal with. Every month we go through that and it definitely takes its toll.