[3Sapphires]

I have tried hard to not be emotionally invested in any cycle - but that is basically impossible.

We had really good timing, I actually O'ed - 2 things that usually bound to not happen.

And I just feel like I am out. I have been testing daily since 6dpo - i did get a lovely evap, and a few BFN's - I know it is technically too soon to even think about testing, but I couldn't help it. And I think something should be showing up by now if I was.

I am so tired of ttc, but I know I would never be able to give myself a break.

I need something to fix my heart - my heart is still bleeding from the baby I lost and I can't get pregnant again to save my soul and I can't find a doctor who wants to help me. I went to the closest office on my insurance (over an hour away) and she didn't seem concerned at all about my loss or me having a difficult time getting pregnant.

I am so tired of this and heart broken, and tired of being hopeful only to be destroyed again.

Part of me wants to give up, but so much of me won't let me.

This is just absolutely horrible, and no one understands why I am upset, and everyone expects me to be ok.

I am so sad, maybe despair is the word, or defeated or I don't know I am just a wreck.

[Ana*Addey*OliveMommy]

Sorry you are so down right now. I would keep searching for a DR. It took me 4 DR to find one to help me when we were TTC #1. They all told me I would get pg if I lost 50 pounds. Finally our RE did tests I was not Oing. I will be going back to him if I have another loss. It is hard having a loss then not getting pg. Hope it is still too early. 9DPO is really soon I have never gotten a line until 11DPO with all 4 of my pg.

[acchickpea]

Ami... Don't loss hope. You even told yourself that it was too early to test. You still have a solid week ahead of you in order to see the results. It truly is like eternity in the TWW which makes us all a big wreck... You're not alone... We/I understand how you feel. he people all around us makes us feel like it should be forgotten but how can you...
Fingers crossed for you!

[joanna26]

Sweetie I am so sorry you are feeling down. If it helps any I think everything you are feeling is totally normal. I don't have any suggestions for you because I am in a very similar place except that we are working with doctors. Every cycle there is a part of me that just wants to throw in the towel and take a break, but then I think well I'm not getting any younger and time isn't going to make our issues any better (if anything they will get worse). Plust I feel the same way you do about the m/c - like it broke something in me that just will not heal. Any maybe if I can get pg again, I can finally heal. So we just keep moving forward. Big HUGS!!!

[missy123]

Ami - I felt the same way and wrote the very kinds of things you are now. I did go to an RE and after hope and medicated cycles ect... we were written off unless we did IVF with donor eggs. It was not only heartbreaking having 4 losses but then to be told sorry, your body is just not going to do it for you was even worse.

Having hope (and the girls here!) is what kept me going.

Have you gone to an RE or OBGYN? If so what are they saying? Have you had any testing done or no?

((hugs)) I know this doesn't take away your pain but know others understand exactly what you are going through. I lived it.

[3Sapphires]

since my loss, I have only been to the doctor once, we moved, had insurance issues and it has just been a mess - I found a m/w office that works with an OB, and I saw them 2 weeks ago. This was my first visit since the m/c.

She did write me a script for labs to prove that I have PCOS, but I am having a hard time finding the time to go. The closest lab is 40 minutes away and I need my DH to take me, and I also need to drop my oldest kiddo off at school and pick him up and the lab is only open till 3pm -

It is a mess.

[.:Shortcake:.]

((HUGS)) I am so sorry! I know exactly how you feel. It is hard to keep up hope when you go through so much. I pray you get your rainbow baby soon.

[missy123]

Can you keep your son home from school one day and take him with you so you can get the labs done?

[3Sapphires]

Mike is taking a few day off next week for a shooting competition, so I am hoping he can squeeze taking me in. I don't know if it will work out - with the school being here, and the lab being 40 min away, if it is busy - I could very easily run late.

Adam has to go to school unless sick, there is a waiting list to get in the class, if he misses more than 3 days a month he will not be able to attend anymore.

I am going to do my best to get in to the lab, but I already know I have pcos since I have a confirmed dx from a different doctor, and have already been on metformin. I just need a refill.

I am also now O'ing on my own with the help of soy, so I am not sure if the met is even crucial. And that is the only thing they are testing for.

[StaceygirlPa]

I am sorry you are feeling down. I hope you can fine out some time to get the lab work done. Don't loose hope. It will happen for you. I know this room helped me out a lot.

[doremi]

I'm so sorry you're in a dark place, Ami... I think we all spend our TTC battle trying desperately to stay out of "the cave", and inevitably we all have our bad times. Huge hugs to you!!! Are there RE's covered by your medical insurance? It sounds like that might be a better route than working with the midwife/OB given your TTC history... Praying you get your sticky BFP soon.

[3Sapphires]

no, an RE isn't covered

[doremi]

I wonder how much a consult would cost out of pocket if you were just going in to talk...