[Sneetch]

Hello! I'm Emily. I am 30 years old and hoping very much for my Rainbow Baby soon.

For unknown reasons, I do not conceive easily. I have had every test out there done, (that I know of--except laparoscopy, because no one thinks I need that one), and none of my doctors have been able to find anything wrong with me or with my husband. We both seem perfectly normal and healthy, but for some reason we do not conceive easily.

We tried for 5 years before conceiving our first son, Charlie, who will be 5 this month. He was conceived days after my first HSG (hysterosalpingogram), which I don't believe to be a coincidence, but we also don't know why it helped. The HSG didn't show anything abnormal, but the procedure must have helped for some reason.

I had a sonohysterogram done about 2 years into TTC again (after Charlie), which is basically the same thing as an HSG, but it's done by ultrasound instead of in radiology (HSG is done in radiology). It didn't have the same effect.

In May 2010 we tried IUI for the first time. Because I ovulate normally, I didn't have to do any shots or other meds along with it, and it worked! We were thrilled, but I lost that pregnancy at 5 weeks. We did IUI again a couple months later, again with no meds, and it worked again. So while we don't know what the underlying problem is, we do know that IUI works for us. 100% success rate so far.

However, our baby that was conceived from the second IUI had a rare form of dwarfism called thanatophoric dysplasia. We found out at 19 weeks that he probably had dwarfism, and we found out the next day that it was probably a lethal condition. Babies with TD have several physical abnormalities, but the lethal one is that there is not enough room in the chest for the lungs to develop. But as long as he was inside me and I was breathing for him, he was okay.

I carried my pregnancy for 4 more months, knowing that my little boy was going to die soon after his birth. It has been a very hard year, but I'm also grateful we had that time to prepare, and that we were able to cherish that time while I was pregnant, knowing it was the time we were going to have with him.

Daniel was born on May 10, 2011, at 37 weeks, and he was 10 pounds! We were expecting a little baby. He surprised us (and everyone else) by growing to be 17 inches, too (which is longer than most babies with TD). He lived for 32 minutes. For several reasons, I had to have a c-section, so he had passed away by the time we were out of the O.R. We knew that was a possibility, but the one thing I really, really wanted was for Charlie to get to meet him while he was alive, which didn't happen. There was no way around it, and nothing we could have done differently, but I still feel sad when I think about that.

I carry a picture of Daniel with me in a locket wherever I go. I rarely show it to anyone, but I love that it's always there. I miss my baby boy so much.

So now I'm here. I think I'm ready to get back in the saddle. Dave and I have been trying on our own for a few months already, but our expectations are low. I really hope we don't have to go the IUI route again. Don't get me wrong - I'm thankful we have found something that works for us. But with two losses behind us, both from pregnancies from IUI, it's scary to try again. Logically, I know that the fact that they were both IUI pregnancies has nothing to do with the losses, but it's a hard thing to shake. I wish, so much, we could just conceive the old-fashioned way! Hopefully we can. We know that my body can get pregnant and carry a pregnancy, so we are so thankful for that.

I'm here today because I had a dream last night that has made me ache for my baby all day. In my dream, someone gave us a baby the age that Daniel would have been now, and we were trying to figure out if we could adopt him. The baby had some of the same unusual physical characteristics as Daniel did, but he was healthy. Everyone told me not to get too attached to him (which is not actually the advice my family and friends would give me in real life), but I did and I held him and loved him as much as I could.

So today I have extra tender feelings about the whole thing, but I also feel more determined than before to do whatever I can to make it happen again. I know that another baby could never replace my sweet Daniel, but I'm more anxious than ever to have a baby in my arms.

Anyway, I look forward to getting to know the ladies of this board.

[joanna26]

Aww your story made me cry (darn Clomid). I'm so sorry for your losses sweetie Welcome to the board though

[Lindz253]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful son Daniel. I really hope you are able to get pregnant soon and Im sure your angel will look after your next little one.

[L-SBB]

welcome to the group Emily, and thank you for sharing you story...the loss of Daniel is tragic and it brought tears to my eyes just reading your post I admire your courage, it must have been heartbreaking facing those final months of pregnancy knowing his condition was likely lethal, and i'm sorry the c-section didn't let you spend your final precious minutes with him the way you wanted to with Charlie. HUGS

It seems so unfair that you've also faced such a challenge conceiving and how frustrating that they can't figure out why! I hope this time around it goes easier for you...seems like after everything you've been through you deserve a break with that.

[vrock]

Welcome, I am so sorry for your losses. Thank you for sharing your story, I can tell you are an amazing women already. Good Luck in your journey. This board is great.

[junie22]

Welcome, Emily. I am so sorry for your losses, especially your sweet baby Daniel. It's obvious that you are an amazing woman. And you must be an inspiration to so many around you. I'll be hoping that you get your rainbow baby very soon. In the meantime, I look forward to getting to know you.

BTW, I am Adrienne (32), and my husband (William) and I have been TTC #1 since July, with an early loss last cycle.

[missy123]

Hi Emily. Welcome to TTCAL. Your story has me in tears but at the same time I feel so honored to "meet" someone as strong as you are. Through your story you radiate positivity, love, and strength that is rare in the world today.

I hope that you are able to get pregnant very soon. ((hugs)) Has anyone ever suggested musinex or preseed at all while you are TTC? Or have you looked into hostile mucus? It sounds as though you do get pregnant with IUI (unmedicated) and logic tells me that maybe the sperm are having a hard time reaching the egg. I am no doctor so please take what I say as opinion and thoughts only.

[Sneetch]

Hi again. And thank you, everyone! Thank you for the warm welcome. I appreciate being able to be here and I really do appreciate your kind words and support.

Missy, my last doctor did check for hostile mucus and it didn't appear to be a problem, though I agree it sounds like a likely scenario. That is something I would like to have looked at again. With that doctor, I did a post-coital test (yeah... a little embarrassing, but you lose your pride when you're seeing a doctor while TTC). From that test, the doctor said that everything (the mucus and the sperm) looked healthy and that the sperm didn't have any trouble swimming through it. But I agree that it has to either be something about my CM, or even some kind of issue getting through the cervix or something. Because once it's put right where it needs to be, I seem to get pregnant easily.

I have used Mucinex, but only for one cycle, and it was a long time ago. I am really hesitant to put any drugs into my body while I'm TTC, especially after just having a baby with fatal birth defects. But it's been a long time since I have read about how Mucinex works while TTC, so thanks for the reminder. I should look into that again.

I have also recently read about a connection between gluten sensitivity and infertility, so I may try a gluten-free diet. That seems overwhelming, because I am so uneducated about what has gluten in it. But if I can wrap my head around it, I think it would be worth a try.

Another thing I will ask about next time I see my doctor is the blood test for anti-sperm antibodies. The post-coital test might have already answered that question, but I recently read about a blood test for that as well, and it would be worth a shot, I think. Especially because, according to what I read, IUI is generally successful when the only problem is anti-sperm antibodies.

Anyway, thanks again for the wonderful welcome to your board. I can tell this is a good place to be.

[acchickpea]

OMG what a story! You are a very strong woman and wish you much success in TTC a healthy rainbow baby. We'll be here.....

[Moldovandish]

Welcome and I'm so sorry for your loss!
I concieved DD after our first IUI as well after trying for a long time naturally. But once we started trying for a second child we were not as successful with an IUI and after months of going back and forth between fertility meds and trying naturally we concieved on our own last December - complete surprise! and at 16 weeks I found out that the baby's heart had stopped. We never found out why - the genetic testing came back normal.

Lots of hugs to you and hope you stick around!

[ninja_mommy]

I'm sorry for your losses You sound like such an amazing person. I just want to remind you too that EPO is supposed to help with making more CM too

[LilHerndon]

Welcome and so sorry about your losses. You seem like a very strong woman, and I think you came to the right place, these ladies are great in helping through this journey. I really hope you get your sticky, healthy BFP soon.

[Sneetch]

Originally Posted by ninja_mommy

I'm sorry for your losses You sound like such an amazing person. I just want to remind you too that EPO is supposed to help with making more CM too

Thank you! I didn't know about that. I will give it a try.

Thanks again, to everyone, for the kind words and the wonderful welcome.

[roziecakes]

Hi Emily,
Your story was very touching and heartwrenching at the same time. I think your attitude and your strength is SO admirable. I look forward to getting to know you.

[MillerMom2b]

I'm so sorry for your loss! this is a great place to vent, these ladies really understand. I hope you get your rainbow baby real soon....

[.:Shortcake:.]

Your story is so heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss of Daniel. The ladies here are amazing and I hope you get your rainbow baby soon!