Moving on to a New Cycle (x-posted)

junie22 · #1 November 5th, 2011, 04:10 PM

Alas, a sticky BFP was not meant for me again this cycle. AF showed up in full force a couple of hours ago. Fortunately, she stayed at bay until I was finished traveling and arrived in my comfy hotel room. So I've taken a hot shower and hopped into my PJs, and I'm waiting for my room service (including dessert) to arrive. Even better, it's all on the company dime.

I posted my faint positive on the TTC board, and the ladies saw what DH and I saw on that IC (and possibly FRER), so I'm absolutely beside myself. I was only spotting most of today, but my cramps were getting worse. And I just knew AF was going to show. I was walking through DFW and just started tearing up. I had to go to the bathroom and cry in a stall. I just feel broken... emotionally and physically... like what in the hell is wrong with me? I am grateful, so very grateful, that we're able to get pregnant, but I just don't understand why my body wants to reject them.

And I hate feeling down like this because it's not my personality, it's not who I am. I'm sure in a few days, I'll be back to my normal self. But in this moment, I just feel like I'm being tortured for some unknown wrong that I've committed.

As I typed that, I just got so mad at myself.

So I'm going to end this on a high note. I'm thinking of a dream that my husband had about a week ago. He was so excited when he woke up to tell me that he had one of the most vivid dreams he'd ever had in his life. He said that I was in the living room wrapping Christmas presents. He came downstairs and told me, "You're going to have a baby." I just looked up at him, got really excited, and exclaimed, "I am!" Then I said something about how much we had to get done around the house before our little one arrived. We were both so happy.

This is the first baby/pregnancy dream he's ever had, and I think it's incredibly poignant. I was wrapping Christmas presents... so perhaps this cycle will be "the one." And we'll have an early December BFP to announce.

Doodle_Jr. · #2 November 5th, 2011, 04:14 PM

I'm so sorry. I was really hoping this was it for you.

Jnahas27 · #3 November 5th, 2011, 04:40 PM

I know exactly how you are feeling. I was hoping for my BFP last month... was 4 days late and then BAM horrible cramps and the worst cycle of my life. It is SO hard to keep positive, but if we let the negative thoughts consume us we get no where. I have spent the last 2 weeks in tears ... sad as all get up but I know for me it will happen and it WILL for you too. My hubby and I have been TTC for 15 months now and I just started using the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor so I am hoping that will help. I am here for you if you need anything. I REALLY hope your hubby's dream comes true for you. It will be an amazing Christmas gift

vrock · #4 November 5th, 2011, 05:04 PM

I'm so sorry Adrienne.

I love the dream your DH had though and I really hope that maybe after a full cycle you will get your sticky bean.

junie22 · #5 November 5th, 2011, 06:18 PM

Thanks, ladies. It's amazing what a few hours can do for one's emotions. I had a cathartic cry earlier, and then just writing my thoughts on JM really helped.

DH thinks we were overly ambitious trying again this cycle. I just figured since my hCG was back to 0 within a week of the m/c that we were good to go. But DH is probably right. My body wasn't quite ready yet.

B6 has helped to lengthen my LP from 5 days in cycle #2 to 10 days this past cycle (#4). Perhaps it will be a solid 12 days next cycle. That would be a much better environment for a little bean. I'm also making an appointment with a new doctor in my network for as soon as I get back from DC.

Onto a new cycle with renewed hope. As always, thanks for the support.

Lindz253 · #6 November 5th, 2011, 06:29 PM

Aw Adrienne Im so sorry. Its hard to get a BFP and have that hope. Im glad you got a good cry out, I also feel like writing out your thoughts to JM friends helps as well. I love your DH"s dream and I really hope that you get to wrap up a beautiful BFP next month and give it to him. - HUGS -

LittleMomma09 · #7 November 5th, 2011, 06:42 PM

I am so sorry sweetie!

about the dream! That would be a great Christmas present!

ladysakura721 · #8 November 5th, 2011, 06:47 PM

im sorry i was really hoping this was the one for you i hope next cycle is your lucky cycle

junie22 · #9 November 5th, 2011, 06:50 PM

How very appropriate... As I sit here in the hotel room, watching the Wizard of Oz.

Somewhere over the rainbow...

cincy1luv · #10 November 5th, 2011, 06:56 PM

I am sorry! It will happen and you will be a great mommy!!! That would be a rocken christmas gift!

junie22 · #11 November 5th, 2011, 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cincy1luv

I am sorry! It will happen and you will be a great mommy!!! That would be a rocken christmas gift!

Thanks... and yes it would be a wonderful Christmas present.

This month will be a great TTC month for the simple fact that I'll be distracted for most of it. I'm here in DC for the next week. Perfect timing to be back home and hopefully O'ing a week later. Then I'll be busy with Thanksgiving, Christmas shopping, and Christmas decorating in our house. Then we leave for our five-year anniversary trip to Maui on November 30-December 4. I just might be able to come back home to a BFP!

Jennifer8080 · #12 November 5th, 2011, 08:34 PM

I'm so sorry. I can definitely relate, we seem to have no issues GETTING pregnant, it's just staying that way. (((hugs)))

ninja_mommy · #13 November 5th, 2011, 08:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junie22

How very appropriate... As I sit here in the hotel room, watching the Wizard of Oz.

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Oh man, that would make me cry! I've been weepy/hormonal the last few days

I just want to offer hugs again

L-SBB · #14 November 6th, 2011, 07:45 AM

i'm sorry this cycle was a bust...i've got my fingers crossed for you that it'll be an extra happy xmas for you! Seems like Maui + anniversay would be a great recipe for a BFP

.:Shortcake:. · #15 November 6th, 2011, 02:03 PM

Sorry AF arrived but I'm praying that this is your cycle and his dream was a sign!

cincy1luv · #16 November 6th, 2011, 03:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junie22

Thanks... and yes it would be a wonderful Christmas present.

This month will be a great TTC month for the simple fact that I'll be distracted for most of it. I'm here in DC for the next week. Perfect timing to be back home and hopefully O'ing a week later. Then I'll be busy with Thanksgiving, Christmas shopping, and Christmas decorating in our house. Then we leave for our five-year anniversary trip to Maui on November 30-December 4. I just might be able to come back home to a BFP!

Thats what you need is to stay busy so you dont think about it as much! !! Hope you have a safe trip and I will be saying lots of prayers for you!!

roziecakes · #17 November 6th, 2011, 03:36 PM

I'm sorry to hear this... and I do know how bittersweet it is when a new cycle starts. It's exciting to be able to try again, but disappointing. I'm sure it especially is if you saw a faint line. Gosh, I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you; but I'm sending Thoughts and Prayers your way that this next cycle is your BFP cycle! Good luck! Hugs!