just so painful

Lav · #1 November 18th, 2011, 12:09 PM

I was 9 weeks pregnant when I learned (on Tuesday) that I was miscarrying my first. I'd seen the little heart beat at 159 bpm just a little over a week before I sat in the hospital for three hours waiting for an answer whether or not my baby was okay.
They said there was no movement...
They said my hcG had dropped from over 9000 to about 6000
They showed me no paperwork or images.
Wednesday morning still spotting only lightly, I went into denial.
Then the blood started coming. A lot. And clots. Reality broke in on me.
Yesterday was the worst day. I cried harder than Tuesday or Wednesday. Maybe because I was alone at home. Yesterday night I must have passed everything from inside the uterus. There was a lot of cramping - it felt like I was stabbed.
The doctor says I'm looking good. I should let one menstruation pass and can then try to get pregnant again.
I loved hearing that. But... it still hurts so much... there was a little life there. I lost my baby.

The tears won't stop. Every smudge of red, pink or even orange of whatever, like tomato sauce on a napkin, makes me remember my loss. It's so painful, I never thought it would be this painful. I can't see the day ahead when I will feel better. I can't remember what it feels like to not be so devastated.

FL Mama · #2 November 18th, 2011, 12:25 PM

So sorry for your loss. We have all been there, and know exactly what you are going through. It's normal to feel how you are feeling, and believe it or not, it will get easier as time goes by. The pain never completely leaves, but it lessens. We are here for you whenever you need to talk/vent/sob. Take as much time as you need to grieve. <<hugs>>

K.A.T · #3 November 18th, 2011, 12:33 PM

Hugs! It is very painful. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you can find peace with everything eventually.

ninja_mommy · #4 November 18th, 2011, 12:52 PM

I'm sorry for your loss. It will get better with time but the pain will never go away. We are here for you!

acchickpea · #5 November 18th, 2011, 01:10 PM

So sorry for your loss... It is hard and we have gone through it.... But don't lose hope and keep moving forward..... We are here for you...

pepper73 · #6 November 18th, 2011, 01:23 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. It is so heartbreaking and something that no one should ever have to go through. It really isn't fair. I hope that you are able to find comfort and support here.

junie22 · #7 November 18th, 2011, 01:29 PM

I've posted a longer response to your post on the TTC #1 board, but I just wanted to offer even more

I'm glad that you've introduced yourself to this board. The women here are absolutely amazing, and they know exactly what you're going through. So jump right into posting whatever, whenever you feel like it. We're all here to support each other. I hope you feel a little better with each passing day.

doremi · #8 November 18th, 2011, 01:31 PM

I'm so sorry

We've all been there, and you're right. It is so incredibly painful. I remember having a night where I just crumpled to the floor in the kitchen and cried until there was nothing left to cry. Take the time to grieve, don't bottle it up inside. You will get through this, as horrible and awful as it is. We are here for you when you need extra support.

LittleMomma09 · #9 November 18th, 2011, 10:17 PM

::BIG HUG:: It is very painful! I miscarried a little over 3weeks ago at 9weeks. It does get easier. The first week was my worst week. I am still having my days that I have some small break downs, but I am starting to feel happy again. I think TTC another one is helping me get through this. Plus having people to talk to who know how you feel makes a big difference. No one but someone who has been there really understands the pains of a miscarriage. We are all here for you sweetie!

humnck · #10 November 19th, 2011, 04:40 AM

I posted on the other board as well, but wasn't sure if you would go back into that one. I just wanted to say, I have been there too, in August I lost my second, at 8.5 weeks there was a hb, I had some spotting at almost 12 weeks and found out the hb had stopped about 3 days after the u/s. It is so hard, I still see the image on the screen the day we found out. But, time does help, it will get easier. I hope you get your rainbow baby quickly, but take the time you need to heal first! HUGS and if you need to talk, please PM me. I am thinking of you!

joanna26 · #11 November 19th, 2011, 04:55 AM

I'm so sorry sweetie

Have a m/c is incredibly painful and at the time you wonder how you will ever recover, but it will get better I promise. The best advice I can offer is to let yourself grieve however you need to, and try to remember that even though the pain feels unbearable right now, it will get better. Please feel free to use us as a sounding board for whatever you need to express. We have all been there and we understand

Big HUGS sweetie!

Lindz253 · #12 November 19th, 2011, 06:07 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. As the other ladies said it does get better with time but it is something you will never forget. I hope that in time you can find peace with what happened and be ready to try to get pregnant again. Good luck and please vent here whenever you need to.

3Sapphires · #13 November 19th, 2011, 06:19 PM

*hugs*

I am so sorry for your loss. Time will help heal your broken heart....

BeckyBozeman · #14 November 20th, 2011, 01:21 AM

I'm so sorry for your loss.... it is pretty unbelievable when you're in the middle of it, but time does help. Letting yourself grieve and rage is important. And while you'll never completely get over it - you did lost a baby - it does get easier and you will be able to move on and think about the babies you'll have in the future.

Just know that all of us here have been through it and understand. I'm just going through the loss of my second pregnancy. I lost my first as well and I know the extra fears there about whether you'll be able to do this or not. Vent, rage, cry, whatever you need to do to survive... We're here for you.

HUGS

Lav · #15 November 21st, 2011, 01:07 PM

Thank you all. I'm glad that I'm not the only one going through this horrible nightmare. I'm so sorry though to hear so many women lose their baby, and some not just once but twice or three times. I'm not sure I could handle a second loss - and especially within a year.

I notice I don't cry so much when I distract myself, but the moment I'm alone and the thoughts wander to my lost baby, the tears want to start flowing.
A friend of mine said the crying was due to the hormones and once they go back down, it would subside (she said she had three miscarriages in her lifetime before she gave up). I find that hard to believe though, especially since I'm an extraordinarily sensitive person. And here is my paradox: I so want this to stop, want the tears to stop, be happy again, but on the other hand I don't want them to. I feel this is the only way I can heal and really go through my grief, and if it stopped already at this point, especially if it was all just due to some hormones, that would mean I'm cold-hearted, wouldn't it?! We would all be... I don't think so. This is true grief, not some hormones making us cry harder.

Also, I feel almost guilty when I'm distracted enough to feel well and happy.

junie22 · #16 November 21st, 2011, 02:13 PM

Everything you've described is just part of the grieving and healing process. Obviously, hormones play into your emotions, but not to the extent that your friend mentions. It stinks, but you're going to be sad for a long time. You will get better as each day passes, though. And you certainly shouldn't feel guilty for feeling well and happy in a moment. Those are the moments that will get you through this otherwise terrible time. And the crying brings catharsis, so you should do it as much and as long as you need to. I just want to reach out and give you a big hug.

LindseyE117 · #17 November 21st, 2011, 03:44 PM

Oh

. TTCAL was my home for over a year. The girls here are so amazing and will help you through any pain you are feeling. I had 2 losses in the last year, and each was just as painful as the last. In my opinion, no one deserves to feel the pain of a loss. I just want to cry for you.

I am just so sorry you are feeling this pain. I really and truly am. TTCAL is a good place, and so is PL is you just want to vent and cry and get it all out. Don't hold back.

MillerMom2b · #18 November 21st, 2011, 05:08 PM

I responded to you in TTC #1. The first day I had to get up and dressed after m/c was the worst for me, I didn't want to face reality where I wasnt pregnant anymore. It got easier every day that went by. Take your time grieving, cry as much as you need. we are all here to help you.

zubeldia · #19 November 22nd, 2011, 05:19 AM

Oh, Lav, I am so sorry. It is one of the very worst things that any woman can go through. Of course hormones can intensify what you're going through, but the truth is this is a very sad time and the loss and grief you're feeling are very real and very difficult. This is a time when you need to be really easy on yourself, when you get a free pass to cry and scream and feel furious. Sending many hugs.

Lav · #20 December 1st, 2011, 11:42 AM

Hello ladies,

I've been absent for a little while. I saw the doctor since the last time I posted here, and I had the ultrasound. It looked like some tissue from the placenta was still left in my uterus. The doctor wants to watch it for a month. I'll have another ultrasound on the 21st and a doctor's appointment on the 29th. If that leftover isn't gone by then, she will probably have me get a D&C

I really hope it'll be gone. I remember something coming out, but I can't remember if it was before or after the ultrasound - I really hope it was after, because that could mean that it was the rest of the tissue.
I stopped bleeding a couple days ago and feel completely normal physically now. I wish I'd get my AF soon, so I can try to get pregnant again! I want that baby so bad.

Thank you all for your heartwarming responses.