[pepper73]

Hi ladies! I've been pretty MIA lately and thought I'd come by and explain what has been going on. Over the last week, I have been feeling increased anxiety. There are some issues with my BF that I'm not sure I want to deal with, plus I have to say his mother is a big problem and it scares me. It scared me enough to not rush into the IUI that I had been planning on doing. If I am going to have a baby, I have to do it right...I have to be completely comfortable with the environment in which the baby will grow up in. To top it all off, last week I got an email from my ex-husband saying he was going to be in NH visiting his family and invited me to go see them. I need to backtrack a little and say that I am still very good friends with him and his whole family. They are still like family to me. Anyway, at first I said no...but then I couldn't stop thinking about it and knew I just had to go. In the process of all this thinking, I couldn't help but remember how good I had it with him and how no man has been able to compare to him since we split. Don't get me wrong, my BF is a great guy....but it just isn't the same. So, I decided to go down there and see if I still have feelings for my ex and also see what he was thinking. It was so good to go see them. It was like coming home. Saturday night, my ex & I had a major heart to heart...honestly, it is something we should've done a few years ago. We both agree that we still love each other and would love to try again. BUT...then I brought up the subject of children and he told me that he didn't want to be 60 years old with an 18 year old and that he was sorry but he couldn't give that to me. Needless to say, I was devastated. I basically have 2 choices...get back with him and never have children or have children (either with donor sperm or settle with someone who will never have my whole heart) and never get back with him. I feel that the whole situation is very tragic. I know this may seem weird to most or all of you...it's just one of those strange turns that comes up in life. In my heart, I feel that my ex & I were meant to be together...but this is too huge of an issue. Deep down, I keep hoping that he'll do some major thinking in the next few days and decide that he really would like to have a family with me.

So, right now I have to decide whether or not to stay with my BF. I do love him, but I'm also not truly happy. Part of me feels I'd be better off living on my own and getting donor sperm. I understand how hard it is to be a single parent, but I also don't think it's right to just be with someone because he wants a child. When I first got pregnant with my loss, we were still in the early stages of our relationship and I think I spent too much time focusing on getting pregnant and having a child rather than on our relationship itself. I think I was just telling myself that as long as we had a child, everything else would fall into place. I have realized now how foolish that was.

I would still like to stick around and chat with all of you, if you will have me. I have grown to love and admire you all. In a way, I'm still TTC...it's just turned into a longer and more confusing journey. I need to think of my own happiness and also the best interests of my future child. I will also welcome any feedback/advice you may have.

[melissalaw]

Sarah I'm glad that your okay. I had been a bit worried about you this past week since you haven't been around. You were missed dearly. I think you are doing the right thing taking some time to figure out exactly what it is you want. I am going to pray that your ex changes his mind and decides that he wants to have a family with you. That would be the best alternative but if he does decide that he doesn't want kids, if I was you I would just try to decide which is better for you and your future child, life with your BF or life without him. Just know that we are here for you and backing you in any decision you make. Again I'm so glad that your back on the forums, I've missed you.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Originally Posted by melissalaw

Sarah I'm glad that your okay. I had been a bit worried about you this past week since you haven't been around. You were missed dearly. I think you are doing the right thing taking some time to figure out exactly what it is you want. I am going to pray that your ex changes his mind and decides that he wants to have a family with you. That would be the best alternative but if he does decide that he doesn't want kids, if I was you I would just try to decide which is better for you and your future child, life with your BF or life without him. Just know that we are here for you and backing you in any decision you make. Again I'm so glad that your back on the forums, I've missed you.

I agree with this hun! I've missed you and was actually getting ready to PM you. I know it might scare your ex thinking about being a father at an older age... but honestly my best friend when she turned 18 her father was turning 65 and you know what? Because they waited to have her they had money saved up. She had a wonderful childhood with two amazing, understanding parents. What I'm getting at is it doesn't matter what age you are if you can give a child love and a roof over their heads and food then I say go for it if it's what you want. Regardless no matter what your ALWAYS welcome here. We love you! And you will make an AMAZING mother.

[ninja_mommy]

I hope you are able to come to a decision that will make you truly happy. But I don't think this will be an easy one! GL and KUP

[pepper73]

You ladies are so amazing. I can't even put into words how much I appreciate you! Katie, I totally agree with you. I just wish my ex could realize that. I am hoping that he talked to his dad about all of this after I left. His dad could definitely help him with those fears in a way I can't. The problem with my ex is that he is more of a scientific thinker, where I'm more of an emotional thinker. We originally split up mainly because of the having kids issue. Back then, though, his fears were financial. He's a computer programmer so his mind works that way. He sees numbers more than the emotions that a child/family would bring. Did that make any sense at all? I see emotions more than numbers. I'm more of the "as long as we have each other and love each other, we will make it work" variety. What we both need is to meld both of those together instead of allowing them to keep us apart. We're also both really stubborn, which doesn't help. I will give him some time to think about it...and give myself time too. Luckily, my mother lives a few minutes away so I have her to lean on if I need to get away for a few days. I just don't want to make the mistake of settling for someone and bringing a child into a situation that would eventually combust.

Anyway, I'm so glad you all will still keep me around and listen to my antics. I have been thinking about all of you this whole time and once I recuperate, I will have a ton of posts to read through!

[Lindz253]

Just finished reading but have to run out the door in a sec. I will write more when I get home but I just wanted to say that you better stick around here!!!! Or else... LOL!

[humnck]

Sarah, that sounds like a very tough situation. I have to say, it is very nice to see you back up and take a look at things before jumping into such a big decision! I will share a little of my background. I come from a mother and father who clearly had different views on life. Don't get me wrong, they both love me, but, when I was born, my dad was in a "party hardy" stage and was hardly around when I was growing up. My mom matured a lot when I was born and realized her motherly duty and settled down and raised me wonderfully. I have always wished that I had a better relationship with my dad. He tries to make up for it now, but lets face it, I am 31, it's a little late for that and I am thankful every day that my mom was such an awesome parent and very thankful for my stepdad who, although came into my life when I was almost 10, was very much a great male role model. Anyways, what I am getting at is, you are right to not go into a relationship with a man who doesn't want kids, I do pray that his father will talk some "sense" into him and help him realize age doesn't matter when it comes to being a parent (young or old), that the love you can give a child is what does! On the other hand, my mom had another child with my dad thinking it would change him, their relationship, etc, only to realize it didn't. She ended up a single mother of two. While for her that was better and she always says she wouldnt' change it for the world, because she got my sister and I out of it, she would have changed the way it came about and would not have married my dad, nor had another baby with him. She pulled a friend of mine aside when she got pg at 20 and her entire family was pushing her to marry him because of it and said, don't marry him because you are having a child, be sure it's what you want...my friend took my mom's advice, stepped back and waited, she did end up married to him and they are happy, but I think it was the best advice my mom could have given. You want to make sure that you aren't just marrying because of the child, that could leave resentment from both sides...I think that goes both ways, you don't want to have a child just because he does. You will make an awesome mother one day, I really hope that your ex helps make the decision easier!!

HUGS!! And of course you would be welcome back here, TTC or waiting to TTC!

[K.A.T]

I have no feed back other than do what you think is best in your heart.

[.:Shortcake:.]

Originally Posted by pepper73

You ladies are so amazing. I can't even put into words how much I appreciate you! Katie, I totally agree with you. I just wish my ex could realize that. I am hoping that he talked to his dad about all of this after I left. His dad could definitely help him with those fears in a way I can't. The problem with my ex is that he is more of a scientific thinker, where I'm more of an emotional thinker. We originally split up mainly because of the having kids issue. Back then, though, his fears were financial. He's a computer programmer so his mind works that way. He sees numbers more than the emotions that a child/family would bring. Did that make any sense at all? I see emotions more than numbers. I'm more of the "as long as we have each other and love each other, we will make it work" variety. What we both need is to meld both of those together instead of allowing them to keep us apart. We're also both really stubborn, which doesn't help. I will give him some time to think about it...and give myself time too. Luckily, my mother lives a few minutes away so I have her to lean on if I need to get away for a few days. I just don't want to make the mistake of settling for someone and bringing a child into a situation that would eventually combust.

Anyway, I'm so glad you all will still keep me around and listen to my antics. I have been thinking about all of you this whole time and once I recuperate, I will have a ton of posts to read through!

I totally get it. I honestly think you two going to a counseling session might help as well. Having someone who is a mediator and can help rationalize both your fears. Just something I thought I would throw out there. You know I'm always here for you hun!

[junie22]

Wow, Sarah, what a predicament. You call yourself an emotional thinker, but I also get the sense that you're a logical person as well. I can't offer any advice, but I know that you will figure out what is right for you, to ensure your long-term happiness. I hope you do stick around while you're on TTC hiatus, and I hope to see you back in full TTC mode soon.

[Lindz253]

Im glad you are taking a step back before bringing a child into the world. I really hope you and your ex can patch things up because it seems like you both have strong feelings for each other. We are here for you for whatever you decide!

I will say that if things are a little rocky with your BF right now bringing a child into it is only going to make it worse. Obviously its the best most wonderful thing in the world but man is it HARD with lots of stress and struggles and you have to be in a strong place from the beginning to get through it all. Just my little opinion but I wish you the best of luck for whatever you decide!

[Cait&AngelAbove]

We are here for you and will support whatever decision you make!

[doremi]

Hi Sarah, it is really good to hear from you! I'm glad you didn't rush into IUI. If you were having ANY reservations, then it wasn't the right time. As for the men in your life, here are my opinions... it isn't fair to your current BF to continue to be with him if you don't love him with your whole heart. Especially if you are talking about bringing children into the world. It sounds like you and your ex are a really good match, but the no kids vs. wanting kids thing is a big deal. A deal-breaker in my opinion if you can't get him to come around BEFORE you guys get into a relationship again. My aunt was married to a man who claimed he didn't want kids. She thought she could change his mind after they got married. He held firm until they were in their mid to late 30's, and then said they could try. She ended up not being able to get pregnant at that point, and they never had kids. It ended up being a blessing in disguise since their marriage unraveled due to infidelity on his part, but it made me realize how important it was to find a guy whose desire for a family was as strong as mine since I knew I was supposed to be a mother. If you can live with the idea of NOT having children, then by all means get back together with your ex! But if you can't give up the idea of being a mother, you either need to have him come around or not be with him, because it will tear you up if you give up motherhood for a man. As for the third option of getting a sperm donor, I'm personally not a fan of the idea. I think children deserve two parents if at all possible. I understand there are plenty of situations where it ISN'T possible, but to bring a child into the world choosing to be a single parent... not something I would ever consider. Wishing you all the best as you figure things out! And of COURSE we want you to stick around!!

[Shadeauxe]

Originally Posted by doremi

As for the men in your life, here are my opinions... it isn't fair to your current BF to continue to be with him if you don't love him with your whole heart. Especially if you are talking about bringing children into the world.

This is exactly what I was going to say. Life is short, you should be with someone you truly love not someone you mostly love. As for the ex, that's a harder thing. You'll have to figure that one out, but I hope it works out for you.

Perhaps one of the reasons you're having trouble getting pregnant with the BF is because it wasn't meant to be. I feel like the universe works this way sometimes and when you stop fighting it, everything falls into place with almost no effort.

[LindseyE117]

I'm sorry that you are going through this prediciment Sarah.

Let me just say this. My hubby is 44 years old and will be 44 when he has his 1st child. He was extremely aprehensive at first to try (and he was 38 at the time) because of his age. He kept telling me that he did not want to be in his 60's with a high schooler. He kept saying that he wanted that time for me and him alone (I have 2 children from a previous marriage that he adopted). He wanted his golden years to retire. Plus he also brought up the issue of never being able to afford it. So we almost split up because of it years ago.

He finally feared losing me more than having a child, so we started trying (probably not the best thing to do) at the time. We ended up pregnant and his whole view changed. I have never seen him so excited and scared. Then we lost the pregnancy. He was devestated. That changed his view on everything. He desperately wanted a child before it was too late and we tried a few more years. His biggest regret now is putting it off for so long. Fear is what motivated him though to not want to try.

Also, as for affording it, if you want to afford children, you most likely will never have them. No one can put an exact cost on raising a child, because each case is different. It depends on if you are a frugal parent or one that blows money on anything (one extreme to the other of course). I raised 2 kids as a single parent for 5 years on $38k a year and no government assistance. It was hard, but I'll never regret it. Especially because they were both in daycare.

Anyway, the whole point is maybe you should seek a mediator to help. A child is scary, I agree, but it is also one of the most rewarding experiences ever. I am not saying that your ex will be persuaded, but he also needs to see your POV. If you both still love each other, then hopefully yall can agree on this.

Never live your life with regrets. Go for it, and even if it does not work out, at least you know you tried.

[StaceygirlPa]

I don't have much more to add tghen what the other ladies have added. I want to let you know we are here for you and we are thinking of you. Sending you lots of hugs.

[joanna26]

HUGS Sarah that is a tough situation all around It sounds like you are doing the exact right thing by taking the time to stop and think and make the best decision. Here is my two cents: You should not have a child with anyone unless you are 100% commited to them and the relationship is on very strong footing. Having a child brings immeasurable joy, but it also brings an incredible amount of stress, particularly for the first few months. If your relationship is shaky in any way, having a child is often the straw that breaks the camel's back so to speak. Also, I think you need to be very careful not to "convince" your ex-husband that he wants a child. He needs to come to that conclusion on his on, or he could end up resenting you, and the child. I have had two dear friends end up in terrible situtations because they "convinced" their husbands to have children. Only their husbands didn't suddenly fall in love with their children after they were born. Instead they resented the responsibility of having a child, and the restrictions it placed on thier lives. Both relationships ended in messy divorces where the children now have no contact with their fathers.

Big HUGS sweetie! I hope everything works out exactly the way it needs to for you to be happy. And definitely stick around and keep us company

[BeckyBozeman]

I'm sending out hugs as well... I don't have much to add, except that maybe Courtney is right and your situation is part of the ttc problem. I know that I had two very serious relationships before Adam and never had so much as a scare. Some part of me (including my body, obviously) knew that those men would not be good for me or my children. With Adam we were together a very short time before our TWO birth control methods were defeated. I think my body knew that it was time and it was okay.

In any case, I hope that things can work out so that you get what you want. It's always seemed so unfair to me that the guys can change their minds at any time and we have such time restraints. But that's just how it is. I believe that you'll be able to know what you want and need. Just listen to yourself, even if it means making a hard decision...

So many hugs and prayers coming your way!

[missy123]

I was a single mom for almost 15 years and raised my boys on my own... I am proud to say I did a darn good job of it too!

Go with your heart Sarah... You have a lot of decisions to make that could go in so many different directions right now. What is important is that you make your life as happy as you can.

We are here for you no matter what. Love you!!!

[acchickpea]

oh Sarah.. That is such a hard decision..... If only there was a way to make your ex realize that starting a family is the cause to your breakup... He sounds like he really loves you to want to start back up the relationship but he has to realize that he wouldn't get your full attention because of your desire to start a family. You have to think to yourself is it even fair to choose between the two...True love and starting a family? You shouldn't have to.... A man who loves you would give you all the things you want to make you truly happy... including babies....
I really do wish you the best in what you decide but if the reason to your breakup was starting a family then it seems like it would never rest.... HUGS....