So depressed :(

twoboys · #1 February 5th, 2012, 01:31 PM

I know everyone here is here because of a loss and I am sure you know how I am feeling.. I feel SO depressed and sad, I am closing myself off from everyone, I just cant deal with conversation right now.. I am so angry with my SO because in the beginning he didnt want this baby we lost, he was angry and complained that he didnt want another and I just feel like he jinxed something to go wrong with his hateful words. Of course now he feels guilty and tells me how sorry he is blah blah blah.. I just dont care.. I cant stand him even trying to hug me. I just want to sleep, I hate this waiting for my stupid body to miscarry.. I have no idea when/what to expect.

I also feel guilty for not being all happy and go lucky with my other children, they dont deserve to see me so sad, they dont understand what is happening..

Now my SO is out to a superbowl party, its like just another day to him and meanwhile my heart is broken and my world is crumbling around me and I have never felt so alone in my life.

To make things worse my best friend is also pregnant and we were due the same week.. I cant find comfort talking to her, and I just seriously want to scream..

Im sorry for my ramblings.. I just wish this horrible miscarriage would start and be over already.

Belita · #2 February 5th, 2012, 02:08 PM

I'm so sorry. My best friend is due three weeks before my due date and it's so hard to talk to her. It was impossible at first, but it does get easier.

I understand the depression. I was like that and when I started miscarrying, the first thing I did when I got back from my OB was to call a local women's mental health clinic to schedule a counseling appointment with a counselor who specializes in treating women in just this situation. I know counseling isn't for everyone, bit it may help if you can't talk to anyone else.

Am I remembering correctly that you had a friend who had a still birth recently? Would she be good for you to talk to about it?

I'm so sorry and I hope that the physical part goes quickly and easy for you.

twoboys · #3 February 5th, 2012, 03:17 PM

Yes, my friend had a stillbirth recently, I dont want to talk to her about my loss, its like bringing her loss back up and in comparison this is nothing compared to what she went through, yet she handled it better than I am .. what the heck is wrong with me..

I just started to spot a little now, and I am cramping up too.. I just want this to be over.. I NEED for this to be over..

Belita · #4 February 5th, 2012, 03:33 PM

Everyone handles loss differently. There is nothing wrong with you or how you are handling this at all. Let your self grieve however you feel is going to help you move forward.

.:Shortcake:. · #5 February 5th, 2012, 04:51 PM

I agree everyone does handle losses differently. And the way your handling it isn't wrong. Your grieving the loss of your baby. Men also handle losses very differently than we do. I know my DH and I fought a lot right after my first loss because I felt like things just went back to "normal" for him. When in reality he was dealing with the loss the only way he knew how and that was to act like it didn't happen. We are here for you and we do understand what your going though. I hope your body m/c quickly and as painlessly as possible.

3Sapphires · #6 February 5th, 2012, 05:47 PM

*hugs*

I am so sorry - I know I handled my loss very badly, I sobbed for weeks, then felt guilty because a "friend" was telling me to suck it up and be happy with the kids I had.

Any loss is hard, and it is perfectly ok to feel however you feel.

you have been in my prayers.

L-SBB · #7 February 5th, 2012, 05:58 PM

i dealt with my first loss in a very similar manner...didn't want to talk to anyone, do anything...the sadness was so crushing and i cried for months. You should process it however you need to, don't add more pressure on yourself to behave in a "proper" fashion. Everyone grieves loss differently, and when you're at a low point personally you have the right to do it however it helps you the most.

We're all here for you...vent away if it makes you feel better or helps you work through some of what you're feeling. I'm very sorry you are going through this

ninja_mommy · #8 February 5th, 2012, 07:12 PM

I think it's a natural reaction to shut down. I'm "fortunate" that I had friend IRL who had m/c's several years back, so they were very willing to talk but I didn't feel quite so bad for bringing it up. I too have a friend who is due just a day or two before my DD with m/c. I am truly happy for her because they tried for awhile and she doesn't complain. Now my SIL who is pregnant with unplanned twins complains quite a bit and that bugs the s*** out of me.
I hope that you can find some closure and we are always here to listen.

dindin · #9 February 5th, 2012, 07:52 PM

sending you many cyber hugs!

You have to grieve in the best way for you. My S/O also did not want this pregnancy and for the first two weeks it was awful until he got on board, and when I had my failed M/C it seemed like it was far easier for him to deal with, I felt the same way you do. Part of me thought he was secrectly relieved in a fashion, and we had it out many times. I am 2 weeks past my D/C now as I could not bear to wait for an M/C to occur, and while it is a bit easier that does not mean I don't think about what could have been, or that I don't get a tear when I see anything baby related, and I am sure it will go on for a while yet.

Take your time, and just do what is best for you right now.

missy123 · #10 February 5th, 2012, 08:08 PM

(((hugs))) I am so sorry for your loss.

First of all, we are always here for you - do not feel afraid to vent about your feelings. I was the queen of anger and depression so I understand how you are feeling.

IT IS OK TO BE DEPRESSED AND CRY. It is ok to want to put your head under a pillow and just sleep until you can wake up and feel happy again.

It does not matter how many children you have already or how many you could have in the future. You are morning the loss of your baby and you want THIS baby back. Women are different than men - we bond the minute we see that BFP, most men don't bond until the baby is born or after.

I had 4 miscarriages and towards the end, when I was so depressed and even though I was on anti-depressents still in a dark place. I felt so hollow inside. One of the things I would do so my boys would not always know is go in the shower and howl. Howl and cry it all out with the hot water..... Let it all out. Scream. It doesn't completely help but it does release a little of the pain.

There is nothing wrong with you.... I promise you that it will get easier as time goes by. The loss will change you forever but the raw pain you are feeling will fade some with time.

I am so sorry, I feel it right along with you right now.

HopeTea · #11 February 6th, 2012, 02:52 AM

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

There aren't any words that can really make it better, but I'm glad at the very least you have a place like JM to come and talk about it. I don't even want to think how much worse it would've been if I hadn't been a member here when my loss occurred. I hope the physical part will be over soon, and then you can start to heal the emotional.

Cait&AngelAbove · #12 February 6th, 2012, 11:48 AM

I am so sorry! I wish I could give you a big hug! Have you tried telling your DH how you feel? Men handle things so differently than women. I am here if you want to talk. Feel free to pm me if you want!

Lav · #13 February 6th, 2012, 01:31 PM

I'm so sorry for your loss! And I too know exactly how you feel. I didn't really want to talk to anybody myself either and my DH understood. He cried the night we found out but after that he kept telling me that we'll just have to try again. I think he was just trying to make me feel better although what I really needed was for him to grieve with me. It doesn't make it easier when people don't communicate. I think you should talk to your SO about how you feel and how he can help you feel better.

I also had a long counseling talk with the doctor covering for my primary gyn as she was out of town when this all happened. That doctor was really good at this and made me actually feel better for a little while.

I think it's important to just let your feelings out. Grieve openly, cry, talk, whatever makes you feel better and eases the pain.

We're here for you.

markswife · #14 February 6th, 2012, 02:45 PM

I've done everything that the ladies have mentioned above and it all helps a little bit but it doesn't fix that hole in your heart. I'm so sorry that you find yourself having to go through this. Feel free to vent away. Whatever way you grieve is the right way for you and that is all that matters.

Lav · #15 February 6th, 2012, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by markswife

I've done everything that the ladies have mentioned above and it all helps a little bit but it doesn't fix that hole in your heart. I'm so sorry that you find yourself having to go through this. Feel free to vent away. Whatever way you grieve is the right way for you and that is all that matters.

I think the hole in your heart will always be there no matter what you do and how much you allow yourself to grieve. I find myself still tearing sometimes, especially as I read of more losses on the board. The idea is to get through this most difficult time and allow yourself to cope, to start accepting and being able to bear what is happening, so that you can move on. Your lost baby will be in your heart forever.