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Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

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  #1  
March 12th, 2012, 08:23 PM
martilynne's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 12,593
I swear, every week there is another BFP in my PR. I want to be happy for them, really I do, but I can't always do that. It's like I feel like you don't really deserve one unless you've had a loss.

I don't want to feel like that. I think it's jealousy. I know it's jealousy. I wish I could just be pregnant and not worry about loosing my baby It's not fair!

It is probably magnified 10x just because I have AF now too...I just wanted it soooo bad this cycle. I always imagined having two kids before I turned 30 and now I turn 30 in one week and I have my ******* period.

I'm sorry for my rant. I know I should be happy. I have my one perfect boy. He is everything I ever dreamed of, and more! I just want him to have a sibling that is close in age like I had with my brother. I just feel like that is slowly slipping away from us Why can't I just be happy?
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  #2  
March 12th, 2012, 08:49 PM
Mrs_lynn.c's Avatar Expecting#5
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Cincinnati,ohio
Posts: 1,049
Its so hard to be happy when you fight so hard to get pregnant and then you lose the baby.It comes so easy to some people and you see that all the while you are struggling so hard.My niece is 14 and pregnant i couldnt go to her shower because i feel the way you do,like she doesnt deserve to have a baby that young.Im so sorry hun,there is mothing wrong with you dont feel like there is.Its human emotion that we all have to deal with and we all deal differently at different times.I hope you feel better soon.Ill keep you in my prayers,sending tons of baby dust your way for a bfp this cycle.
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  #3  
March 12th, 2012, 08:52 PM
JulieMc's Avatar Loving my babies. :)
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 9,004
Oh it's like that in my PR now too....and there are several people who are due when I was due with my last two pregnancies (that were m/c). In one way, I am glad they get what they want...in another way, I am insanely jealous and want to stab them in the eyes (not really. lol) everytime they post a belly shot or announce another pregnancy or talk about how they didn't really want to be pregnant (this esp. bothers me). Ahhh!! It sucks. I don't know if it ever gets better? I try not to let it get to me too much....
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  #4  
March 13th, 2012, 06:07 AM
.:Shortcake:.'s Avatar ♬♪Music Soothes my Soul♪♬
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Location: Pennsylvania
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It is normal to feel the way you are. It is jealousy of them having/getting what you so desperately want. I've felt that way so many times and felt guilty each time feeling that way but no matter what there is nothing you can do and it's normal to feel that way. I hope and pray that you get your rainbow baby soon and Jax has a little brother/sister soon!
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  #5  
March 13th, 2012, 08:21 AM
martilynne's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Texas
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Thanks I just hate how bitter my losses have made me...
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  #6  
March 13th, 2012, 01:08 PM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,810
HUGS i understand...i had originally thought we'd give Savannah a sibling close in age and then for a variety of reasons we weren't ready until she was 20 months old...and now 2 losses later and even if i got pregnant in April/May, she'd be 3 1/2 years apart.

It's hard to let dreams of how you planned it to be slip away when reality messes them up...but how your dreams reshape into what will be, that will be amazing even if it's different than how you originally envisioned it. And Jax will be one awesome big brother someday soon
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  #7  
March 13th, 2012, 04:16 PM
Erin84's Avatar POAS Queen
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 3,952
I know what you mean, that feeling that time is slipping away and you will never be able to have what you want. We wanted 3 kids before I turn 35. I turn 28 next month and we have no children at home. We are hoping that meds and IUI are what we need (on Clomid this cycle, will do injectable gonadotropin next cycle and IUI if this Clomid cycle doesn't work), and that in the future, we will be able to go straight to that and get pregnant quickly. If this doesn't work... And time just keeps on marching forward with no regard... It's okay to be jealous, angry, etc. Any emotions are valid. That you're able to recognize they're irrational and still give them the level of importance they deserve anyway is good on you. One day, sweet lady.
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With us on earth for five short days, with us in our hearts forever.
(Thank you Natasha for this beautiful graphic of Andrew, and to the ladies of the Nov 10 PR who help me in carrying on his memory.)


Jan. 2009: Came off years of BCP and started TTC
March 2010: BFP -- finally!
Oct. 22, 2010: Drew is born, but has to stay in the NICU because of cord complications resulting in oxygen deprivation and brain problems =(
Oct. 27, 2010: I held him in my arms while Daddy, Grandma, Great-Uncle and I sang him to sleep =( Hardest thing I've ever done...
June 14, 2011: Drew's baby brother or sister waved hi to us with a BFP!
June 25, 2011: Natural miscarriage... Can we please catch a break here?
Nov. 2011: 100mg Clomid followed by 2mg Estrogen, Ovidrel trigger, and 200mg progesterone suppositories 2x/day 14 days. BFN.
Dec. 2011: 2nd medicated cycle. BFN.
Jan. 2012: Took a month off to breathe...
Feb. 2012: Same regimen of Clomid and other meds, add IUI. 2 eggs and 8.5 million swimmers. BFN.
March 2012: 75 IU Follistim CD 3-11, follie scan CD 8 showed 6 follies likely to mature. Triggered, IUI on CD 14, 4 million swimmers. BFN.
April 2012: 75 IU Follistim CD 3-10. Scan showed 2 mature follies, 2 almost certain to mature, and two not likely but possible. (All 6 evenly and perfectly spaced out between the left and the right.) Triggered, IUI CD 13 with 5 million swimmers. BFN.
May 2012: 75 IU Follistim starting CD 3. Waiting to O. Timed intercourse. Likely 5 follies to mature.




^^ Click graphic for chart ^^


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  #8  
March 13th, 2012, 06:43 PM
Cait&AngelAbove's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: South Carolina
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It is completely normal to feel like that! I hope you get your rainbow baby very soon!
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  #9  
March 14th, 2012, 11:26 AM
Mega Super Mommy
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Location: MN
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Hugs, Marti. I've felt that way myself. I think it's completely normal. You WILL get that BFP and a healthy baby brother or sister or Jax.
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  #10  
March 14th, 2012, 12:01 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,417
Quote:
Originally Posted by martilynne View Post
Thanks I just hate how bitter my losses have made me...
You know what is just as sad? It is that the jealousy never fully goes away, even after you have a rainbow baby. I still feel jealous of those that had all carefree pregnancies.... like why did I have to suffer through 4 losses and 2.5 years of pain?

(((hugs))) I know what you are going through and it is normal. I was even jealous of strangers I would see at the store sometimes. I would see a pregnant belly and just cringe inside..... I had to hide the tears. My boys knew my trigger points and would hug me in stores sometimes.

It hurts... you are not bad for feeling that way... I hope you get pregnant soon.
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  #11  
March 14th, 2012, 12:57 PM
markswife's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 3,680
My PR is a month behind yours and we've had a couple ladies have another child. It's really hard to want to be happy for your friend but to be sad that you aren't pregnant. There isn't a feeling involved in TTCAL that isn't valid. I really hope your BFP is right around the corner for you.
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  #12  
March 14th, 2012, 06:40 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Montana
Posts: 3,533
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you! If there is there's something wrong with all of us... I think one of the hardest things about having losses is that you get the joy of all the conflicted emotions - people that you love are happy and getting good things and part of you is so happy for them. And then there's the human part of you that can't help wondering why they got it when you didn't. It's hard not to be bitter, not to resent those people that get what we're so desperate for, usually so easily. It's especially hard when you know that they're not thrilled or that they can't or won't be good parents. Why did my cousin that's a drug addict and a neglectful, immature parent have no problem getting four kids when I can't seem to hang on to one? Why did the teenager at work that doesn't want a baby have no problem conceiving?

But the way that I've tried to think about it is that those of us that actually have to work to get our children will be much better parents and that the world will be a better place for that. Imagine a world of people that really wanted their children and, more than that, really wanted to be parents! None of this being your child's "friend" or not giving them boundaries or security because it's too difficult. How wonderful that we have this group of ladies that not only value life, but that are determined to be parents, even if it means going through the stress and pain of multiple losses, fears, expense and worry...

I'll get off my soapbox now...
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