Hurting (loss mentioned)

MountainMomma · #1 July 20th, 2012, 09:50 PM

I am hurting so much tonight. Mentally, not physically.

For those that don't know, Tuesday morning I took my two children to the airport to fly to Florida for their summer visitation with their father. When I got home at around 8 am, I peed in a cup, dipped a test, set it aside and finished with my business. At this point, I realized I was spotting pretty heavily, so I tossed the test without much more than a glance at it, and assumed AF was here.

At this point I laid down for a nap, and then after a nap ran errands for a few hours. That night, I realized that I hadn't had any more bleeding all day. I walked into the bathroom, grabbed the test from the top of the trash and was surprised to see a faint pink line. I knew it didn't count though, so I took another. The pink line came up (faint again) within 3 minutes. Wednesday morning was the same. Still faint, but clearly pink and definitely in the time limit. At this point, I had contacted a couple of people on JM asking for prayers. I didn't want to share on the board because.....well, after this many losses, you start preparing for the next the minute you see that pink line.

I've always gotten better lines in the late afternoon, so I tested again when I got home Wednesday after work (around 4pm). This time the line was darker and it popped up almost immediately. I still had my cup, so I dipped an answer brand test and within a minute or two there was a faint line on that too. Even DH could clearly see it. DH left to go to church while I alternated between doing homework and dancing around the house filled with joy. (I was determined to stay positive this time, and I was even telling the dogs that we had to get ready because mommy had a baby in her belly. Like they had a clue what I was saying.

)

When DH go home around 9pm, he found me curled up in bed crying. I had felt a couple of sharp cramps and almost instantly felt wet. I started crying immediately and prayed, begging God to let me be wrong, but when I made it to the bathroom I was already bleeding heavily.

Now all I can do is sit her looking at this stupid pink line on this test and cry, thinking about what could have been. I can't stop crying for what should have been. We have been trying to conceive for 6 and a half years. I knew that this would be the last cycle we would be actively trying until after I graduate from college and get a better job so that we can move on to medical assistance with a new doctor (because my current RE is a complete joke!). In 6 and a half years I have lost 9 babies. I don't know how to move on this time. I am so broken and I don't know how to pick myself up and put the pieces back together this time.

If you made it this far, thanks for listening to me ramble. You deserve a cookie or something. Please, if you pray, take a moment and say a prayer for me. I really need it tonight.

EverydayJoy · #2 July 20th, 2012, 10:42 PM

Oh Stephanie, I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine the pain of losing that many babies. Life just isn't fair. It's such a wrenching loss to have that one moment of joy only for it to turn into grief. I hope you can find some comfort soon, although I know that it can take some time before you feel the clouds start to break.
My heart aches for you! I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
BIG hugs for you...sending all the comfort I have to offer....

.:Shortcake:. · #3 July 21st, 2012, 06:33 AM

Stephanie it's just not fair

No one should ever have to go through what you have gone through. I wish I could take your pain away, as it's a pain I know all to well. The torture we put ourselves through only to know the pain we might have to endure again and again. I know in my heart it's going to happen for you, that you will have your rainbow baby. But I also know the toll it has taken on you physically and mentally. You know I'm here if you need to talk. I'm a good listener dear.

MountainMomma · #4 July 21st, 2012, 08:47 AM

Thanks for your support ladies. I've just always been able to pick myself up and dust myself off pretty easily in the past, even with ones closer to the 6 week mark. This time..... I don't know. Maybe because it was my last chance for a while. Maybe because I am already depressed about my kids being gone. I don't know. I'm just really struggling this time.

stillwaiting · #5 July 21st, 2012, 11:37 AM

Oh Stephanie! I think it would be extremely hard to know this was your last cycle and I'm sure you're feeling the pain of not ttc anymore, on top of the heartache of another loss. Maybe you shouldn't label yourself not ttc anymore and just not try/not prevent? I'm know that won't make this loss any less hard, but maybe giving yourself some possible chance of hope in the meantime, will make it not seem so definite.

I'm sorry your RE is a joke, I wish there was someone closer you could see, to maybe find out why this is happening. ((HUGS)) We are here for you, whether you are ttc or not. I'm so sorry for your loss. Msg me anytime.

ninja_mommy · #6 July 21st, 2012, 12:40 PM

I'm really sorry, nobody should have to endure this much.

.:Shortcake:. · #7 July 21st, 2012, 01:12 PM

I think your at your breaking point. With everything going on at the moment it's just overwhelming for you hun. Take a step back, take a deep breath and remember that it's okay to feel the way you are. Your going through so much and it's okay to feel hurt and depressed.

H_Hplus1 · #8 July 22nd, 2012, 10:55 AM

I'm so sorry you're having to go through so much loss. It just isn't fair that those who would make the best moms are those that have to be so terribly patient to receive there much deserved babies. I wish i could give you some encouraging and healing words but I am at a loss of what to say. Please know you are in alot of peoples thoughts and prayers including mine. Take care.

EverydayJoy · #9 July 22nd, 2012, 01:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MountainMomma

Thanks for your support ladies. I've just always been able to pick myself up and dust myself off pretty easily in the past, even with ones closer to the 6 week mark. This time..... I don't know. Maybe because it was my last chance for a while. Maybe because I am already depressed about my kids being gone. I don't know. I'm just really struggling this time.

I was a mess for a long time after losing just one. The fact that you've been able to endure so many testifies to your strength. Take all the time you need to grieve over this, and don't worry about being strong right now. Let your friends and loved ones be strong for you.

captivate · #10 July 22nd, 2012, 02:14 PM

I am so sorry you have had to go through this again, no woman should have too.. none.xxx

MountainMomma · #11 July 23rd, 2012, 10:54 PM

Thank you all for your kind words. I am doing a bit better today. Staying busy helps, so I am just trying to focus on finding things to do to keep myself as busy as possible. It helps.

mama3o · #12 July 24th, 2012, 08:31 AM

I am very sorry to hear of your losses. It is awful that you are going through this. I cannot believe that any woman has to endure so much. I hope that you find strength to get through this and if you need anything we are all here!

.:Shortcake:. · #13 July 24th, 2012, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MountainMomma

Thank you all for your kind words. I am doing a bit better today. Staying busy helps, so I am just trying to focus on finding things to do to keep myself as busy as possible. It helps.

Staying busy always does help keep your mind off things.

When is your first day of school?

L-SBB · #14 July 24th, 2012, 12:51 PM

(((((HUGS))))) i hope you're feeling better today Stef...i am so sorry you keep going through this, i am hoping so hard for you to get your sticky BFP and soon!

MountainMomma · #15 July 24th, 2012, 08:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by .:Shortcake:.

Staying busy always does help keep your mind off things.

When is your first day of school?

I am actually finishing up the summer term this week, so that has helped keep me busy. I have a final on Friday. Fall Classes start August 27th. I already have my books though, and I will likely go ahead and read through the first two or three chapters of each one and have some notes written so that I am ready to jump right in. I've really increase the number of online classes I am taking this semester to prepare for next year when I transfer to entirely online classes.

missy123 · #16 July 25th, 2012, 06:53 AM

Dang Stephanie - I have no idea how I missed this post. I am sooooooo sorry honey. What the heck? (((hugs))) Could there be something in your body that is treating pregnancy as a hostile thing? Michelle mmllhh found out that is what is happening to her and may be the cause to all of her losses. I know I am probably grasping at straws here... I am so sorry.... I so wish I could make it all better. xoxoxo wrapping my arms around you.

.:Shortcake:. · #17 July 25th, 2012, 07:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MountainMomma

I am actually finishing up the summer term this week, so that has helped keep me busy. I have a final on Friday. Fall Classes start August 27th. I already have my books though, and I will likely go ahead and read through the first two or three chapters of each one and have some notes written so that I am ready to jump right in. I've really increase the number of online classes I am taking this semester to prepare for next year when I transfer to entirely online classes.

I'm glad your keeping yourself busy! I've been thinking a lot about going back to school but with DH starting his evening courses August 20th I'm going to have to put mine on hold for now.