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Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

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  #1  
July 25th, 2012, 02:03 PM
ninja_mommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Dealing with infertility. And I know we've done this before, but I just wanted to vent mine:

"Is she your only one?" (And I swear I get asked this at least 2-3 times a week now)

And they don't know, but it kills me to say yes. And don't get me wrong, I am 100% grateful for her. Usually people don't say much more because I only reply yes, instead of "One's enough for us." And plus DD is 3, so usually people think you'd be thinking about another if you wanted another.

So, vent and let's hear them!
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  #2  
July 25th, 2012, 02:27 PM
miniRazz's Avatar <3 my rainbow baby
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"So when are you two going to have babies?"

Everyone thinks I'm so great with kids and think I should have them (and believe me so do I) but being asked that all the time is hard especially when you have been through 2 miscarriages since April!
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  #3  
July 25th, 2012, 03:35 PM
ashj_1218's Avatar Hiya!
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It's not current, but the one that bothered me the most when we had Liam and were trying for Kieran:

"Well, you should be glad you got one [child]"

It just felt like it minimized the pain of the losses and the desire to have another child. Like my sadness about possibly not ever being pregnant again or having another newborn would vanish if I remembered I already had one (as if I forgot). Probably petty, but it agitated me a lot. And I am very conscious to never say it to another person, no matter what the circumstance.
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  #4  
July 25th, 2012, 04:30 PM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ashj_1218 View Post
It's not current, but the one that bothered me the most when we had Liam and were trying for Kieran:

"Well, you should be glad you got one [child]"

It just felt like it minimized the pain of the losses and the desire to have another child. Like my sadness about possibly not ever being pregnant again or having another newborn would vanish if I remembered I already had one (as if I forgot). Probably petty, but it agitated me a lot. And I am very conscious to never say it to another person, no matter what the circumstance.
I agree with that for sure. I haven't really had any TTC issues that I'm aware of, but after my m/c, I heard that a lot, "Well at least you have Ethan." Like you said, "Oh yeah, I forgot, thanks for reminding me...that totally fixes everything." Grrr...
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  #5  
July 25th, 2012, 05:18 PM
bellasky's Avatar Blessed
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I agree. For me it is "When are you going to have kids?" or "Why don't you have kids?". It's incredibly rough. I always want to say that we have two babies they are just waiting for us in Heaven.
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  #6  
July 25th, 2012, 06:59 PM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by babyseibel View Post
I agree. For me it is "When are you going to have kids?" or "Why don't you have kids?". It's incredibly rough. I always want to say that we have two babies they are just waiting for us in Heaven.
Sometimes I think people need to hear that so that they will think twice before asking that question next time. You know? Like people who ask someone if they're pregnant and that person is not, it will definitely make an impression on their mind and they will really hesitate to ask next time.
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  #7  
July 25th, 2012, 08:21 PM
JulieMc's Avatar Loving my babies. :)
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I dont like being asked "so when are you having another?" or the comment "I thought you'd have another by now." Yea, we were supposed to, but I had miscarriages...sooo.....ugh.
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  #8  
July 25th, 2012, 08:41 PM
Mrs_lynn.c's Avatar Expecting#5
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For me its the comments I get from my family when they know I have had so many losses,they say you already have four kids and it was probly for the best that you lost the baby cause there was probly something wrong with it!! If they only knew how bad that hurts me,its more than breaking my heart it hurts my soul that I dont have all my children I was suppose to have. I will never be content in life until I get back what was taken from me and that will never happen. I will forever grieve for what ive lost. The pain comes in waves when I lest exspect it. Ok ladies sorry for going on and on,guess you can tell what kind of day im having feeling low today.
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  #9  
July 25th, 2012, 09:24 PM
MamaLemonade's Avatar ~~Whitney~~
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My favorite one right now is "Do you really think you need one more" that just gets under my skin, the most when it's from a family member. I will take as many blessings as God will allow me to have. I tell my mom all the time " if it's his will, not matter what I do Bcp, getting either of us fixed, condoms, etc..) he will find a way to bless me with it." and that usually shuts them up.
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  #10  
July 26th, 2012, 05:50 AM
bellasky's Avatar Blessed
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I had the parent of one of my students tell me "You don't have children so you don't know how it is". I told her she didn't get to go there with me because she didn't know. It was one of the most hurtful things, I know she didn't know what I had been through. I wanted to tell her that I have (at that time) a child in heaven and that I would give anything to be in her place and have my babies with me. That I would love to know that I will one day actually get to have babies here on Earth. It hurt also that she thought my lack of children meant that I can't do my job as a teacher.

I hate it when people assume that just because I don't have babies here that I don't want any children.


OT: I really hope that they get my account fixed. I don't like not having my signature. One day I will be bellasky again.
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  #11  
July 26th, 2012, 06:52 AM
.:Shortcake:.'s Avatar ♬♪Music Soothes my Soul♪♬
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Hmmmm... let's see


"When are you guys going to have kids"

"Don't you guys want children"

"Aren't you pregnant yet"

"Did you get pregnant this month"

"Why don't you guys just accept your not meant to have kids"

"Why don't you adopt"

"Why are you guys waiting so long to start a family"


And the list goes on, and on and on. These past 4 years I've heard about all of it.
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  #12  
July 26th, 2012, 07:23 AM
StaceygirlPa's Avatar Waiting for our Miracle.
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When I was pregnant with Cody I hated when people said what took you so long to get pregnant.

Now it is when are you going to have another one or
Don't you think you are to old to have another one.
Don't you think you should be happy with Cody. I am very happy with Cody but we would like one more.
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  #13  
July 26th, 2012, 08:50 AM
Shadeauxe's Avatar It's me
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Ok, these are not questions, but the TTC related phrases I hate are:

Aunt Flo(w) - dumb
DTD - seriously, who actually says "do the deed"?
DH/DS/DD/DF - I would never refer to my husband as "dear husband" or "darling husband", it sounds so corny. So, I don't use the abbreviation either.

There are probably more. I did a post on acronyms I hate once. I should dredge it up.
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  #14  
July 26th, 2012, 09:30 AM
Blieving4more's Avatar ready 4 my miracle
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I have one woman almost on a weekly basis tell me that I shouldn't let my son be an only child. Another asks "when will you have another?" my response was "God willing" her response, rolls eyes and tells me "God is always willing dear". I had to walk away quickly because I was about to explode on her.

I think once I tell everyone about this pregnancy that I may just educate them on what not to say to women since you never know what they are going through. I have already had this conversation with my mother and sister and it has made a huge difference.
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  #15  
July 26th, 2012, 09:34 AM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
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i get the reverse statement to "why don't you have more" because a lot of people assume we're done so i get the "you were so smart just to have 1"...how do you even respond to that? it makes me want to crawl under the desk when someone says it to me though since i don't feel like telling them how we've tried & lost so many more...
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  #16  
July 26th, 2012, 11:45 AM
H_Hplus1's Avatar Supermom to 6
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I absolutely hate (kind of TTC related)

1) You know you weren't commanded to repopulate the earth, right?
and
2) You know how that happens right? (pointing to pregnant belly)

Whose business is it that I have more than 0.9 average children per household for Georgia. My kids are well taken care of and very happy.
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  #17  
July 26th, 2012, 12:18 PM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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This is just my opinion, but it seems like a lot of you just keep your hurt to yourselves when someone says something really messed up and stupid. Why don't any of you just say "We tried having more but we couldn't" or even something snappy to let them know, "You are such an idiot!" Why do you all just hold it in? I think these people need to know what giant faux pax they are making....I mean if it's someone you know and love, you can say it gently, but to total strangers or acquaintances? I think you could be a bit more forceful. Seems like everyone here for some reason thinks that you have to be the kind ones and not lash out? IDK but after all everyone has been through, the kind of responses that you get make me want to go jump down someone's throat on your behalf.

Maybe it's easier not to say anything to avoid shocking someone else, but I think sometimes they need to get some sense shocked into them!!
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  #18  
July 26th, 2012, 12:48 PM
bellasky's Avatar Blessed
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With the parent I was shocked and upset beyond what I thought I could be. I was crying when I walked away from her and I thought about finding her later and explaining to her how hurtful that was.

As far as "Why don't you have kids" or "Don't you want kids" that mainly comes from my students and I can't hold it against them. They are 11 and 12 and I will not bring up my losses with them.
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  #19  
July 26th, 2012, 02:31 PM
ninja_mommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Yeah, I think people that say dumb things should be put in there place!
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  #20  
July 26th, 2012, 05:03 PM
EverydayJoy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I can definitely see not saying anything to children. But adults, yeah I think they need to know that they've hurt you. It's not right that you should have to bear it in silence. I hope I wasn't too forceful with what I said...it's just I get mad hearing the way people are so insensitive, even if it's because they don't know, and they still never know because you awesome ladies just bear it. I wish I could somehow take all your pain away.
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