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The pain of what could/should have been

Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss


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  • 1 Post By Blieving4more

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November 12th, 2012, 05:23 AM
Blieving4more's Avatar ready 4 my miracle
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: near Boston
Posts: 932
This weekend I went to my niece's birthday party and one of our friends who was due the same date as my first loss was there with her children. I didn't realize how difficult it was going to be for me to see her son walking around and playing with the other kids (he is about 15 months old) and then the pain and emptiness I felt from the realization that my babies would have been that exact same age I couldn't help but turn away every single time he was in my view and then find myself sneakily glancing at him to see what things he was doing. It was so difficult. I guess the pain of these losses doesn't really ever go away. It does get easier, I didn't run off and bawl my eyes out for hours but I did have that sinking feeling in my stomach and was able to tolerate it.
*Leah* likes this.
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November 12th, 2012, 06:08 AM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,810
yeah those things sneak up on me too it's tough to see ladies from the DDCs I left sometimes...seemed less real during their pregnancy time than it does when they're celebrating little milestones and whatnot. (((((HUGS)))))

How's your pregnancy going? come fill us in when you have time...I need to do a grad check in thread I think!

Savannah Stylin!

Remembered Forever with Love
10/13/2008 (@9w2d) 10/18/2011 (@8w5d) 2/12/2012 (@4w3d) 8/13/2012 (@10w3d)
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November 12th, 2012, 07:06 AM
Blieving4more's Avatar ready 4 my miracle
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: near Boston
Posts: 932
Thanks Lara for always making me feel like I am not crazy when I have set backs like this.
My pregnancy is going well. Had a scare yesterday and ended up at L&D in the hospital. Unexplained bleeding. Baby looks fine and it does not appear to be preterm labor. Waiting to see if tests come back for any infections. Little one is still moving around and letting me know that he is okay though. Thanks for asking!
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November 12th, 2012, 03:24 PM
Happy Song's Avatar Nicole
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 11,023
I try not to get into the should have beens but some times it is so hard to keep facing forward and not fall into the regretes of what could have been. For me as aweful as it was at the time having 3 losses in six months had a silver lining of not being able to have those babies and my beautiful rainbow baby too. But 15 months old and your currently pregnant that would be much harder to deal with. We lost Seth and my heart is breaking and my DDC with Tessa is bursting with babies on the way. It tugs at my heart sometimes.
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November 12th, 2012, 07:42 PM
Frozenoj's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: West Florida
Posts: 3,556
*hug* I can't imagine how hard that would be. One of my mom's friends had a miscarriage when she was younger and she told me that yeah, the pain never really goes away. You just learn to live with it better.

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November 12th, 2012, 09:32 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,154
My best friend conceived her second right after my first loss, and it was so hard for me when she was pregnant and especially when she delivered. I took care of her toddler that weekend, and taking him to the hospital to meet his baby brother nearly killed me. That pain of being around her with her baby didn't start to ease for me until I was pregnant again.

In my current pregnancy I lost my baby's twin at 8 weeks, and it's odd how often something about twins or expecting multiples comes up. This morning I was registering for classes at the hospital and they asked if I was expecting twins. And then I had to fill out a registration form for a different class somewhere else, and had to answer whether I was expecting twins. And then when I was calling pediatricians' offices this afternoon to set up appts to visit the practices, one of them asked if I was expecting twins. Every time it hurt to say "no", even though it feels like it shouldn't hurt so much anymore.

I think it will always be hard at times. I'll always wonder what things might have been like. Most of the time lately I can keep from dwelling on it, but the sadness will always be there and will undoubtedly keep popping up at unexpected moments.
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November 13th, 2012, 02:54 AM
bellasky's Avatar Blessed
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,399
My sister-in-law was due 2 months after my due date and when her daughter reaches milestones it does make me cry that I will not get to have those milestones with Glory. Her daughter just had her 1st birthday and when DH and I talked about going to the party I just started crying thinking about how our child would have been over a year. It is definitely difficult.
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November 13th, 2012, 09:14 AM
Blieving4more's Avatar ready 4 my miracle
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: near Boston
Posts: 932
Originally Posted by Happy Song View Post
But 15 months old and your currently pregnant that would be much harder to deal with.
I don't think that anything is harder to deal with then the loss of a child. I would take a 15 month old and a newborn any day then deal with the pain of my lost angels. BTW...I wouldn't be pregnant with this child if I hadn't lost my twins over a year ago. My husband and I only want 3 children so that pregnancy would have completed our family.

Thank you ladies for sharing your pain with me as well. I know that everyone deals with loss differently but it is always reassuring to hear that there are others who feel the same way you do about milestones and seeing other children. It drives me mad at times but then I come to you all and realize that I am not crazy...I am human, I am a mother who has lost her babies too soon.
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November 13th, 2012, 02:13 PM
ninja_mommy's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Oahu
Posts: 7,228
SIL has twins that were born right when I was due with my first loss It is hard to think of what could have been.
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