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Another loss... how do you keep going? (x-posted)


Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

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  • 1 Post By Daisee37
  • 2 Post By Blieving4more

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  #1  
November 19th, 2012, 02:36 PM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Twin Cities, MN
Posts: 1,974
I'm not even really sure what I want to say in this post, other than that I need to say something to someone about how crappy I feel right now. Back in August we had a blighted ovum. I showed no signs of miscarrying, so I had a D&C. Then I had retained tissue and bled for 2 months. Finally, after passing the rest of it on my own 2 months later, I was able to go back to TTC. We did IUI and got pregnant on the first try... but I had this horrible feeling that something wasn't right. The lines on the HPTs just weren't as dark as I'd seen them before, even though they were getting darker. My hcg on 14dpo was 27... low. My hcg on 16 dpo was 78... so it doubled, but it was still low. Then a week later it was 1893... so it seemed like maybe things were catching up and I started to stupidly let myself get optimistic that maybe I was just jaded after our last m/c, and maybe this one would be OK. Then I had my first ultrasound at 6w4d... no heartbeat, small fetal pole, measuring 5 days behind (and my dates are 100% accurate, since we did follistim, triggered ovulation, and did 1 IUI). My RE was pretty straight forward with me, told me it was an ominous sign and that I should prepare myself for the worst. I go back on Wednesday to confirm that there's no heartbeat.

I'm just devastated right now. I keep getting my hopes up, and then have it turn out like this. We invest so much time, effort, and money into getting pg, and then it doesn't work. Not only that, but I can't even seem to m/c on my own. I know having repeat D&C's carries a risk of scarring and more infertility, which we definitely do not need on top of all our other fertility issues. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I also don't know how to keep going. We are blessed to have 2 kids already, and I keep trying to convince myself that maybe 2 is enough, that I should be happy with what I have, and I should just give up and focus on them. I have spent every single day of the last 6 months stressed out about pending miscarriages, and I just can't do it anymore. I forget what it feels like just to be happy. I WANT to go a day without googling something miscarriage-related, but I can't. But I also don't want to regret not trying again... I don't want to always have this hole in my heart, and an empty bedroom in our house, where I knew our third child was supposed to be.

Also, I want to add that I realize there are many people out there who have it so much worse than I do. I feel selfish, in a way, for complaining about my 2 miscarriages, when I have 2 wonderful children at home already. So I don't want to make it seem like my pain is worse than anyone elses... it's not, or if anything, I'm sure there are lots of women here who have been through so much worse than I have. But I do need to vent, to share my feelings with women who have been through the same crap. And any advice on how you keep going after this is appreciated--I just don't feel strong enough to do it.
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  #2  
November 19th, 2012, 06:16 PM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,949
I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm so sorry you are going through your present situation. So many woman on this board can understand what you are going through. I can too. Thousands of dollars spent, so much time, energy, tears and pain and seemingly for nothing.

But I will say this. At least we tried. When we are older and another child is no longer a possibility, we will be at peace because we know we did everything we could.

It's hard to reason with yourself to keep trying, especially after so much pain. And there may be a point when you and your SO decide enough is enough. But at least you can make the decision knowing you tried your best. Take comfort in that, at least. You will find that one day, you won't have any regrets.

Best of luck to you. To all the ladies here.
Leia
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  #3  
November 20th, 2012, 06:48 AM
Blieving4more's Avatar ready 4 my miracle
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: near Boston
Posts: 905
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. I am so sorry for your losses and can tell you that I have said some of the same exact things you just did in your post. The guilt, grief and hopelessness are all, unfortunately, a normal part of TTCAL. I wish I could say that it gets easier with each pregnancy but it does not. I have 4 angels and with each BFP there were so many anxieties and fears. We have been robbed of the joy of expecting. It is so unfair! Where there should be love , excitement and expectancy there is nothing but anxiousness and fear.
You and your family know what is best for you. Some women here find healing in staying in the TTC phase, others need to take a break and NTNP so that they can have some sanity back. No choice is the wrong choice.
But let me end with this, the main reason I continue to stay on this board is that through out this journey I have found so much support, encouragement and hope through these ladies. Ladies who help me to know that I am not crazy or a terrible person for feeling the way that I do. And no matter if you lost 1 child or 20, the pain of losing a child is horrific and no one should have to go through that. So let me offer you this hope. After 4 lost angels and the thought of giving it all up, I am now carrying my rainbow baby. 26 weeks and counting. It has come with it's ups and downs and tons of testing because of my past loses but I am confident that in 14 weeks I will be holding my precious miracle.

I pray that you heal both physically and emotionally and that you find peace in whatever decision you make
Feel free to PM me if you need to chat or vent or need someone to cry with you.
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  #4  
November 20th, 2012, 08:18 AM
Honestlymonique's Avatar mommy of three
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Mobile, AL
Posts: 1,100
I'm so sorry for you loss. I had a m/c last month and like u I have two kids already. I feel so strongly that we r meant to have a third. I would love to give my husband a son. Like u I keep googling stuff about m/c. I haven't had my first period yet n its driving me crazy cause I keep thinkin maybe I'm pregnant. I can't trust my instincts n my body don't feel like my own. I keep saying give it time but doing that is so hard. I'm glad you came n I hope u know u not alone.
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  #5  
November 21st, 2012, 07:18 AM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Twin Cities, MN
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Thank you for your responses. Although I don't wish this crap on anyone, I AM so glad that I have you gals to share it with, since you understand what it feels like.

So today is the day we go back for another ultrasound to confirm the m/c. I'm dreading it. I've thought about just cancelling the appointment, stopping my progesterone, and waiting to see if/when I m/c naturally. But I know that I NEED to know... I need to see it one more time. But I just don't WANT to. Even though I should be prepared and I know what to expect, I know that seeing it up on that screen again is going to make it hurt just as much as it hurt last week--maybe more. It sucks knowing how awful this afternoon is going to be.

It doesn't help that despite knowing what's going to happen, there's still this LITTLE tiny bit of hope left in me.... like, maybe they were wrong. Maybe the ultrasound tech just sucked. Maybe the baby got off to a slow start and will be OK now. I know that these are all possibilities, but they are very unlikely. I wish I could have just given up completely last week, so that I wouldn't be surprised or upset by what I see today... but I couldn't. So today it will be final, and it will crush me.

I guess on a positive note, my almost-2-year-old spent 15 minutes this morning screaming at me, so perhaps remembering that might make stopping at 2 a little easier.... like, do I really WANT another screaming one (the answer is YES, but maybe I can convince myself that I don't).
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  #6  
November 21st, 2012, 07:51 AM
Blieving4more's Avatar ready 4 my miracle
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: near Boston
Posts: 905
Saying a prayer for your appointment today.
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  #7  
November 21st, 2012, 08:03 AM
Honestlymonique's Avatar mommy of three
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Mobile, AL
Posts: 1,100
It's been four weeks since my loss n I still wonder what if their wrong (its irrational but that don't stop me from thinking it) I know in my head my baby is gone but my heart is like all I want is to have my child with me. its so hard n painful especially when your body is consistently reminding you of what you loss. so don't feel like u alone or crazy cause we all been there

Btw I keep trying to convince myself that I could use this time to go out more n do some fun things b4 we have another. That I have more time to get these two crazies I call my daughters a lil more well behaved b4 the next one comes but no matter what I come up with I'm still thinking about how soon can I get pregnant again
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  #8  
November 22nd, 2012, 05:18 PM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Twin Cities, MN
Posts: 1,974
Well that appointment didn't go too well. I was 7w2d, but measuring only 6w1d... Only one day of growth in 5 days... Bad sign. But, this time there WAS a heartbeat. Although I'm not celebrating, since at the first scan the fetal pole was measuring 4 days behind and this last time it was 8 days behind. The RE was pretty candid that this isn't probably going to go much further.

Also, other bad news... It looks like its a cornual pregnancy... Which is a type of ectopic pregnancy in the corner of my uterus. If it gets much bigger than 12 weeks, I'd risk having my uterus rupture. So basically we are stuck HOPING that I miscarry soon, because otherwise I will have to terminate a healthy pregnancy. I'm a whole mess of emotions... But today being thanksgiving, I'm trying to focus on the good on my life. I have so much to be thankful for, and despite all this ttc crap, my life is good. I just need to keep it in perspective.
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  #9  
November 22nd, 2012, 09:51 PM
Happy Song's Avatar Nicole
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 10,797
Well you are doing better than i am thinking life has much to be grateful for... I spent today on in off in tears over my baby. I usually sail a long pretty good with the normal ups and downs but today was just way down for me. It is just so hard even under the best of circumstances.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Honestlymonique View Post
It's been four weeks since my loss n I still wonder what if their wrong (its irrational but that donIt is just so hard even under the best of circumstances't stop me from thinking it) I know in my head my baby is gone but my heart is like all I want is to have my child with me. its so hard n painful especially when your body is consistently reminding you of what you loss. so don't feel like u alone or crazy cause we all been there

Btw I keep trying to convince myself that I could use this time to go out more n do some fun things b4 we have another. That I have more time to get these two crazies I call my daughters a lil more well behaved b4 the next one comes but no matter what I come up with I'm still thinking about how soon can I get pregnant again
I am so there! I am trying to lose weight and convince myself I could potty train my two little ones, before another baby comes along. Had Seth been born in Feb I would have had three in diapers. Since he was a second trimester loss, every month waiting is better for my body and my next baby. Well except of course my head, but then I think being pregnant again would jsut be a whole new set of issues.
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