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Vent (loss mentioned)

Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss


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  • 1 Post By anothermother

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January 23rd, 2013, 12:06 PM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 6,296
So I know it is all still a little fresh and that is part of what makes it hard - but I have been able to talk to my close friends and family about the loss which has been so helpful for my healing process (We found out on 1/10/13 we lost the baby at 12 weeks)

My friend keeps saying "I know exactly what you are going through - when I was pregnant with Eric this and when I was pregnant with Eric that and it was so scary so I know exactly how you feel - except she has Eric. He was born healthy and perfect. I let it go the first couple of times and just ended the conversation as politely as I could. But every time she chats me online or we are talking she mentions it and I just want to scream IT IS NOT THE SAME! So now I just want to avoid her all the time. Just thinking about her makes me angry. I know it isn't fair and I am majorly overreacting but I think I just need more time.

Sorry for the I just needed to vent that out. I already feel better.

Thank you *Kiliki* for the amazing siggy!!

Expecting our first baby August 25th, 2014!!!

Last edited by momology; March 11th, 2013 at 03:00 PM.
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January 23rd, 2013, 01:03 PM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Twin Cities, MN
Posts: 1,974
Sometimes people who don't get it, who haven't been there, want to empathize and don't realize that they actually make it worse. I would get pissed off too if someone who didn't have a m/c kept telling me that they understood what I was going through! After the second or third time, I probably would have just blurted out "You definitely DON'T know how I feel, since your baby was actually born and here, so stop acting like you do!" Of course, she'd probably hate me then, too

Back when we were TTC #2, my SIL was having some medical issues that caused her to be nauseous, tired, and have abdominal pain. When I asked her if she was pregnant and she said she wasn't, she then responded "But wouldn't it be so funny if I WAS pregnant and we weren't even trying, where you aren't pregnant and have been trying for so long?!?" I basically glared at her and responded "No, that wouldn't be funny at all" and I walked away. Grrr.

Glad venting made you feel better
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January 23rd, 2013, 01:15 PM
WorkerBeeMama's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Southern California
Posts: 4,486
I'm sorry. that is aggravating. Some people just don't know how to interact or relate or support to someone going thru this type of loss.

Any chance you can tell her politely that you appreciate her understanding, but that what she went thru and what you went thru are two completely different situations?

Mindy & Josh
Mama to 3 beautiful girls!
DD - Maya (11), DD - Sophia (7)
, & DD - Jane (0)

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January 23rd, 2013, 01:46 PM
*Leah*'s Avatar TTC the newfashioned way
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 3,550
SOOOOOOOOOO not the SAME! I'm sorry she is so irritating! I'd be irritated too. ((HUGS))
TTC#1 since 10/2006, 5 failed IUI's, 1st IVF successful BFP!! Baby Girl 2/2011
TTC#2 BFP 9/2011, Natural Pregnancy! 3/30/12 M/C'd on 5/15/12 (9 weeks)
IVF#2 BFP 4/2013 M/C 6/2/13 (8 weeks)
FET #1 BFP 8/2013 - Chemical Pregnancy
IVF #3 - Retrieval Oct 31st, Txferred 2 on 5d - a Blast and Morula - Chemical Pregnancy
IVF #4 - ER scheduled for 4/4/14 retrieved 4 eggs. Txferred 3 embryos 4/7/14!....BFN...NOW WHAT?
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January 23rd, 2013, 01:51 PM
anothermother's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Southwest, Missouri
Posts: 6,062
Um yeah. In this case it would totally be appropriate to go off the handle. It is NOT the same. And you shouldn't feel bad telling her that. It's hard for people to realize that pregnancy after loss and pregnancy never having a loss are 2 completely different things. I'm so sorry you have been hurt by that.
*Leah* likes this.
Christine, momma to Chloe [7.20.07], Alexis [9.8.09], and Jude [10.14.13]

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January 23rd, 2013, 02:00 PM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 6,296
Thanks ladies I am a lot calmer now - I have decided to log off the chats for now

It is just hard because she really holds a grudge. . . but I am in no mood these days to be the one supporting people.

I keep telling myself she is just trying to relate to something she knows has upset me. Being on here really gives me the chance to vent things out and move on - I can never thank JM enough for that

Thank you *Kiliki* for the amazing siggy!!

Expecting our first baby August 25th, 2014!!!

Last edited by momology; March 11th, 2013 at 03:02 PM.
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January 23rd, 2013, 04:46 PM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,871
Oh sweetie, it's NOT the same. ((hugs)) I'm so sorry your SIL obviously just doesn't get it or she would understand the pain and not feel the need to bring it up all the time. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all this
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January 24th, 2013, 08:53 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Illinois
Posts: 1,870
I'd be really angry too. I would either #1 flip out or #2 tell my husband to handle his sister. Hopefully staying off chat will solve the issue. If not, definately say something, it'd be ridiculous if she held a grudge but it's better than making you feel like crap when you lost your baby. Some people just have no clue.
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January 25th, 2013, 11:19 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Delaware (the state!)
Posts: 7,444
I am so sorry you are dealing with that...it is NOT the same AT ALL! My SIL was kind of like that when I lost my first. She said, oh, I know how you feel, my midwife thinks that I may have had a loss or two and just didn't know it (aka a chemical), not that the fact that she may have had a loss is not the same, but she never knew she was pregnant and it is speculation. That isn't the same either! I just ignored her comment, thankfully she only said that once or I would have said something!

I would definitely say something if she does it again.

Hugs! And I am ss for your loss and hope you get a sticky BFP soon!!
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