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Advice regarding loss of friends baby (18 week loss mentioned)


Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

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  • 1 Post By lelila
  • 1 Post By momology
  • 1 Post By Ame C
  • 1 Post By islandbaby

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  #1  
April 12th, 2013, 11:47 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,356
Hi ladies,

First off, thank you for taking the time to read and to assist with what I am sure is an emotional topic. While I lost a pregnancy at 8 weeks, 18 weeks is a whole new ball game and I am not sure what emotional support my friend is looking for. Am I best to let her be? Am I best to offer support?

We were at an event yesterday and her husband quickly came up to us and told us NOT to mention the baby as she lost it last week at 18 weeks. The mom would not even look at us. We were at our kindergarten orientation for the kids, and her little one was due Sept. 1st. We were joking around earlier that it was going to be quite hard to send our kids to kindergarten when she confided that it will be easier for her since she was due right as school was set to start. (Sept. 3rd here). So not only is she going to struggle bringing her little guy to school, she will also struggle with her due date arriving and no kids. Given that it only helped last week, I am not sure if she needs more time, and I should just leave it alone and wait for her... or if I should mention the loss and let her know I'm here if she needs a shoulder.

My heart is absolutely breaking for her...

thanks ladies.
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  #2  
April 12th, 2013, 12:08 PM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2012
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How incredibly sad. It is always an unbelievably awful situation for any woman, no matter where you are in your pregnancy.

How close are you to your friend? If you are close, my advice would be to send a short personal note, letting her know that you care about her and are there for her when she needs you. If you are simply acquaintances, then let her approach her.
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  #3  
April 12th, 2013, 12:30 PM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
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My loss was at 12 weeks and I feel that is also a different ball game than 18 weeks. For me - I didn't want anyone to mention it to me. The things I appreciated the most was flowers accompanied by a note from a close friend letting me know she was there if I ever wanted to talk and that she was sorry for my loss (all much better put than this and said a lot more kind words) but you get the gist. I was not ready to talk immediately after but found a week or 2 after I needed to vent to someone. Even then though I only wanted to talk with my closest friends.

Maybe you could offer some sort of gesture like a letter - just explaining that you are there for her if she ever needs. Then that leaves it up to her. It is so hard because everyone is so different.

I am so very sorry for your friends loss.
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  #4  
April 12th, 2013, 12:33 PM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
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Maybe just start off by telling her "I want you to know I'm always here for you." When someone has a loss they tend to feel alone or isolated and it's comforting knowing that there are people willing to listen and offer their love.
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  #5  
April 12th, 2013, 01:12 PM
Just keep breathing.
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A note or letter would definitely be a nice thing, for her to read in private. When you see her in person, give her a big smile, tell her you're glad to see her, and be as "normal" to her as you can. Since her husband told you she doesn't want the loss mentioned, take that as your cue, in person. She knows you know. There's an odd comfort in having people treat you like you're "normal"- so many people come up with a worried face and concerned tone of voice, looking at you like you're going to collapse any moment. It can be a drag.
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  #6  
April 12th, 2013, 02:23 PM
~ ttc island baby #3 ~
Join Date: Feb 2013
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I am so sorry for your friend's loss! How close are you to her? I agree with everyone else about a nice note being appropriate. I know, for me personally, I hated having to act 'normal' to everyone else. I just wanted to talk with others who knew exactly how I felt. I wanted my loss to be acknowledged and taken seriously, but everyone reacts differently to such a devastating loss, so it's really hard to say.

A note would let her know that you are here for her, if she wants to confide in you etc. and this way she can respond to you in her own time. The healing process is so rough, as we all know

I also just wanted to add how thoughtful and sweet it is of you to be concerned for your friend. Very few people in my life reacted that way. Most people just awkwardly ignore my loss, which makes it even harder for me.
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Last edited by islandbaby; April 12th, 2013 at 02:25 PM.
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  #7  
April 12th, 2013, 03:49 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2007
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Momology... I just noticed in your siggy that you had a molar pregnancy. That is exactly what my miscarriage was at 8 weeks. (Mine was a complete). As I was getting my weekly HCG quantity taken, the nurse mentioned that her sister had a molar and was now pregnant with twins. Ironically enough, the next time I got pregnant was with twins. They are now 4.5

Thank you ladies for all of your wonderful responses. I really like the letter idea
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  #8  
April 12th, 2013, 06:46 PM
Lash's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Mine was full term, 39 weeks, in labor. I have a ton of resources for you to read and how to support. Mine was around 6 weeks ago. "I'm sorry" is the best thing to say.

Places to start reading
carlymarieprojectheal.com
stillbirthday.com
http://stillstandingmag.com/
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  #9  
April 15th, 2013, 06:55 AM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddie View Post
Momology... I just noticed in your siggy that you had a molar pregnancy. That is exactly what my miscarriage was at 8 weeks. (Mine was a complete). As I was getting my weekly HCG quantity taken, the nurse mentioned that her sister had a molar and was now pregnant with twins. Ironically enough, the next time I got pregnant was with twins. They are now 4.5

Thank you ladies for all of your wonderful responses. I really like the letter idea
Thanks so much for sharing that maybe twins are in my future too!!!
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  #10  
April 15th, 2013, 07:15 AM
Just keep breathing.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lash View Post
Mine was full term, 39 weeks, in labor. I have a ton of resources for you to read and how to support. Mine was around 6 weeks ago. "I'm sorry" is the best thing to say.

Places to start reading
carlymarieprojectheal.com
stillbirthday.com
Still Standing Online Magazine | embracing life after loss
My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss. You are a blessing to be sharing comfort and resources with others.
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  #11  
April 18th, 2013, 04:05 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,356
First off, I'm sorry Lash.

Thank you so much for sharing your advice ladies. I purchased a willow creek remembrance figurine. It has a lady with her hands crossed at her heart with a little heart above it. I put a little note that simply says I am thinking of you. I figure that this way I acknowledge what happened, but at the same time I leave it be if she doesn't want to talk.

Momology... If you want twins, I hope they are in your future too!! I was curious the number of twins after a molar pregnancy. Perhaps I'll have to google that one day, but for now I need to get my girls to skating.
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  #12  
April 19th, 2013, 06:25 AM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,810
you've already gotten wonderful advice...the best thing you can do honestly is let her know you're there for her if/when she needs to talk about it. She may never take you up on it, but if she ever does then just listen and let her vent or whatever she needs to do to help her move through her grief. T&Ps for you friend, I hope she is able to heal emotionally soon.
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