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Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

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  • 1 Post By MoonAngel702
  • 1 Post By Ame C
  • 1 Post By smsturner

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  #1  
April 17th, 2013, 06:24 AM
anothermother's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Southwest, Missouri
Posts: 6,062
When they ask how many kids you have?

This is something I'm still mulling over. I don't mind talking about Everleigh but it always seems to make the conversation really awkward when I mention I have 3 kids, but one is in heaven. I feel guilty, like I don't want to acknowledge her existence. Of course, that isn't true at all. I guess it also depends on the context of conversation too, like a person in Walmart I'm not just gonna delve into something so deep. But I guess if it's a new friend asking about my pregnancies I may be more likely to mention her.

I know it's probably something that "whatever you feel is best", but what has been your experience?
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  #2  
April 17th, 2013, 06:31 AM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,235
Oh I've gone through this a few times. I hate not acknowledging our LOs. But I don't want to share my pain with anyone, especially those I don't know. I keep it simple and tell them I have my one 7 yr old.
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  #3  
April 17th, 2013, 06:50 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: St. Louis
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When I am asked how many children I have, I say one (not counting the baby I lost due to miscarriage). My situation is a little different though, my loss was earlier than yours, I didn't know the sex of my baby and didn't have a name picked out etc. My loss was at 9 weeks and not a lot of people know about it....I feel like (for me) going into more detail about the loss is just too personal and I also feel like I might make a normal conversation a little awkward (like you said)The people who matter in my life know about my loss and to me that is what matters. I think I may feel differently about this if my loss was later in my pregnancy but I'm not really sure? Maybe it would depend on who is asking, like you said if i'm just in a store and a random person waiting in line starts up a convo with me and asks how many children I have, I might say 2, knowing that's all the further the conversation may go but then they could come back and say oh how old, and that might make the conversation strange because I wouldn't know what to say. This is a very hard subject. I think whatever makes you most comfortable, Everleigh is not sitting up in heaven looking down on you upset because you are not acknowledging her existence I'm sure you think about her everyday and she knows you love her just as much as your other children. She just wants you to be happy. This subject is making me teary eyed!
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  #4  
April 17th, 2013, 07:13 AM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I don't mention my miscarriage for this question. I always feel that the question just kind of implies living children. (just a personal opinion)

Many people who lost a child say something like 'i have 3 children, 2 living'. This way you can acknowledge your child that you lost, and not have to deal with questions later.
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TTC with PCOS for 5 very long years. Annovulatory cycles. Multiple doctors. Different meds. One horrible loss. And then one wonderful success, born 2/18/14.

I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26/13
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  #5  
April 17th, 2013, 07:13 AM
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I have been wondering the same thing myself. My loss was very early on and most people don't know about it. I still feel like in my heart I have 3 children, two on earth and one in heaven. I just feel too uncomfortable telling people that I have 3, especially if they were to ask me about it. It just makes me sad not to be honest, like I am not acknowledging my lost baby
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  #6  
April 17th, 2013, 07:16 AM
MoonAngel702's Avatar ~Staying Positive~
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Nevada
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If I'm talking to just a stranger I feel like I have to say I have no kids and I really don't want to get into it with people I will never see again. It's really tough. but if it's somebody that is going to actually be in my life I would open up with them.
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  #7  
April 17th, 2013, 09:07 AM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
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Since my losses were so early and I didn't get to hold any of them, I just call Marsi my miracle rainbow baby. People usually ask what that means and I am able to tell them she was my 5th pregnancy. I will do the same thing when I am blessed with a second miracle.
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  #8  
April 17th, 2013, 09:51 AM
Ame C's Avatar Every breath is a gift.
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DH and I had this conversation shortly after we lost Clyde because he wanted to make sure he didn't accidentally say something that would 'hurt' me. Our response to people who ask, which has only happened 2 times that I'm aware of, is "Yes, we have a son in Heaven." .. Then the person who asked makes a guilty face like they wish they would have minded their own business.
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  #9  
April 17th, 2013, 10:36 AM
Just keep breathing.
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It's usually just a casual question, so I say we have no children. It kills me to do it, though. I work in kids performing arts programs and work with thousands of kids and parents, and hate the assumption that I have no idea what its like to be pregnant or to love a child. I know that's not what anybody really intends, but still, it's so hard.
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  #10  
April 17th, 2013, 10:39 AM
melissalaw's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Tennessee
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I will usually just say that I have 2 children. I have found that it makes alot of people uncomfortable when you bring up a miscarriage.
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  #11  
April 17th, 2013, 10:45 AM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ame C View Post
DH and I had this conversation shortly after we lost Clyde because he wanted to make sure he didn't accidentally say something that would 'hurt' me. Our response to people who ask, which has only happened 2 times that I'm aware of, is "Yes, we have a son in Heaven." .. Then the person who asked makes a guilty face like they wish they would have minded their own business.
Still birth is definitely different than a miscarriage. It's lovely you have found a way to acknowledge your son.
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Susan, dh Tom, dd Megan (15), ds Marcus (13), Our together miracle, baby Dean, 17 months

Crazy enough to try all over again for a second together baby! Hoping for a much less wild ride this time!




TTC with PCOS for 5 very long years. Annovulatory cycles. Multiple doctors. Different meds. One horrible loss. And then one wonderful success, born 2/18/14.

I never knew until that moment how badly it could hurt to lose something you never really had. - Missed Miscarriage at 10 weeks - 3/26/13
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  #12  
April 17th, 2013, 11:23 AM
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Posts: 324
Definitely depends on the situation. I have 2 stepchildren, 2 living children, and 2 angels. People always assume my stepchildren are mine, but it's just not worth it to correct and explain it to every person. I guess i feel the same about the miscarriages, I only give more info if I want that person to know the whole story. I always feel guilty answering that question because i don't always talk about my stepchildren either, just depends on who's asking
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  #13  
April 18th, 2013, 09:15 AM
Platinum Supermommy
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Location: Delaware (the state!)
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I usually stick with 2 if it is a complete stranger. Mentioning my 2 losses (one a blighted ovum and the other a baby lost to a chromosomal abnormality) to complete strangers feels weird to me. However, if someone were to ask how many pregnancies (which is usually only at the doc office that I can recall), I would say 4. All of our friends and family know about my losses and many of them know the specific circumstances surrounding what happened. When I see people hurting from a loss of their own, I tend to talk to them and if I feel that telling them about my personal experience will help, I go ahead and open up to them, otherwise, I keep it to myself. I acknowledge the babies I have lost to myself, for me that is what is most important!
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