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Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

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  • 2 Post By MelChicago

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  #1  
May 6th, 2013, 10:47 AM
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 26
Hi everyone, I'm new here. I joined last night when all of my crazy hours of Google kept leading me to this website. Anyways, I am just wondering how many other people have gone through more than 1 loss? I've had 3 pregnancies: 1st being blighted ovum, 2nd healthy happy 4 year old, 3rd natural m/c (some call it chemical pregnancy). Is this normal? I'm young and healthy- I just don't understand. Another thing, I myself feel ready to actively TTC but my fiancee is still having a hard time (currently we use pull n pray but he says he would be happy if it happened), have any of you others had a hard time getting yourself AND significant other on the same page after a loss? I feel like this is such a frustrating aspect of our relationship as he has said before he would love for us to get pregnant, but he doesn't want to try to? So confusing. It gets so depressing when you really really want a baby and it just doesn't happen. I'm starting to feel myself being negative about my relationship and upcoming marriage as I'm wondering if he is ever going to want to try for a baby, when that is all I can think about lately! Maybe something is wrong with me- it's been almost a year since my last m/c and for the past couple months I have just really really wanted to start TTC but DF just says it will happen when it's supposed to. Anyone out there have any advice or can relate at all? I feel like this crazy woman- I'm 25 and all I can think about is how much I want another child and would be devastated if it never happened. Ugh- sometimes I hate being a woman. Sorry for the rambles... just venting I guess. Anyways, I could use all the prayers in the world as I am on cycle day 23 and just really really hoping AF will be a no-show this month. I've tested twice and both BFN but I keep trying to convince myself of that chance! We did actively BD during fertile period this month.
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  #2  
May 6th, 2013, 11:09 AM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In yonder mountains
Posts: 9,339
First off, I am so sorry for your losses. It is so hard to go through, let alone go through it multiple times.
All of my losses have been early losses and I had 5 before my 1.5 year old and have had 3 since her while TTC #2. For me, I found out that my thyroid levels have been messed up since having DD. It messed up my progesterone levels which can cause early miscarriages.
As far as my DH, he has always just let me decide when to TTC since it is physical and emotional for me while he doesn't really understand the losses much. I have gotten pregnant using PnP a couple of times. It is obviously better if both of you are on the same page. Has your DF gone through all the losses with you? Men grieve differently. I know my DH is scared to TTC just to loose a baby and see how hurt I am and there is really nothing he can do to make it better. He helps me out by just letting me take the reigns.
For me, having my bloodwork done a cycle that I TTA (this last one) has given me a little bit more hope. I am a scientist married to a scientist so cold hard numbers about what my body is doing is very, very helpful for me and DH's comfort going forward. Maybe it would help him if he knew that your body was indeed ready to support another pregnancy.
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  #3  
May 6th, 2013, 11:46 AM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I'm sorry for your losses and your frustration. Unfortunately, multiple losses aren't out of the ordinary, there are plenty of us here.

Please don't think you aren't going to have any more children. At 25, you have decades left before you need to worry. Enjoy your life and your child. Worry about the clock ticking in about 15 years.
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  #4  
May 6th, 2013, 11:53 AM
Knewton's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 549
We have so much in common ! I had a m/c at 8 weeks then had my DD who is 5 and then had a m/c around 5 weeks (just started my period after a light positive )

I'm scared that I might m/c now that I'm back to TTC with my husband. I've read it's very normal and to just get as healthy with herbs and vitamins as possible . Maybe he wants to wait tell you're married it maybe he hurts from the loss. I know we all grieve differently . We should chat . How old are you ? I'm 26
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  #5  
May 6th, 2013, 12:38 PM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 6,296
I am so very sorry for your losses. I don't think that something is necessarily wrong. With 2 losses and them being under different circumstances it is very possible it is just a sad coincidence. I would talk to your doctor and make sure they know what happened just so you have a paperwork trail in case there is an issue.

Best of luck to you. I hope you get your sticky BFP soon!
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  #6  
May 6th, 2013, 12:46 PM
~ ttc island baby #3 ~
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,172
I'm 35 and just had a missed miscarriage two months ago. It was very hard for me at first, after the loss, because the pregnancy hadn't been planned at all so it wasn't just as easy as going back to ttc again. It took a lot of talking. At first my husband said the same thing...not wanting to ttc, but not preventing it from happening either. At my age, I told him, I can't afford to play games like that. I know I mentioned my age, but I know how I felt ttc my second daughter when I was 27 and even though I knew I was young enough, there was nothing else I thought about for months and when you want something so badly, time has a different meaning, so even though you are still in your 20's I can totally understand how you feel.

Like I said, with my husband, it took a lot of talking and explaining my thoughts, feelings, reasons etc.

I can completely understand how difficult this must feel for you! We are all here for you, anytime, to chat, vent, ask for advice etc...

Lots of hugs to you!!!
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  #7  
May 6th, 2013, 12:47 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Delaware (the state!)
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First off, I am sorry for your losses! I had a blighted ovum diagnosed at 8 weeks, had a healthy pregnancy and gave birth to my first daughter in 2009. In 2011, we decided to go for #2, everything was going well until I found out that the baby had stopped developing at 9 weeks and here I was 12 weeks along. That baby had a chromosomal abnormality, but I went on to have another healthy pregnancy and my 2nd daughter will be 1 in June. My doc told me that, sadly, these were just bad luck and it was a terrible coincidence. You are DEFINITELY not alone and the ladies here are great, feel free to vent, cry, scream, whatever you need to get through this!

As for DF, I would talk to him, ask him why he is not ready, if he thinks he will be ready. He may just be scared of going through a loss, assure him that you are too and that you can do this together, support each other together, that you are more than ready and just want to know why he is so cautious and casual about it.
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  #8  
May 6th, 2013, 02:03 PM
Daisee37's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Twin Cities, MN
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As all the other ladies have said, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't really address your question about getting DF on the same page, because when it comes to TTC, DH has usually let me call the shots and decide when I'm ready to start trying again.

But as far as the multiple m/cs go, yes, unfortunately it seems to be quite common, and it doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with you. Back in 2006 I had a chemical, when I was 25. Then I had DS. Then 3 years later I had DD. Then we decided to TTC#3. I had a blighted ovum, diagnosed at 7wks. Then I had a missed miscarriage at 9 wks (there had been a hb just a couple days earlier, at 8w4d). I'm now 17 wks pregnant. I had all the tests run, and nothing showed up as abnormal. The babies were chromosomally OK, and my hormones and everything were fine. I guess it just happens sometimes. So yes, it's totally possible to still have more babies, even after multiple losses. My doctors always told me that the fact I had 2 healthy pregnancies in between my losses was a great sign that things were actually OK with me, and that the 2 losses between DD and now were just "flukes." I hate not having reasons for why crappy things happen, but oh well. Good luck with TTC!!!
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  #9  
May 6th, 2013, 02:17 PM
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: USA
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Hi ladies, thanks so much for your responses. It is very frustrating, I have tried talking to him about it when I was going through it just this past year and I remember he was pretty emotionally blank even as I was going through the horrible body processes. He has a tendency to just shut down in high times of emotional stress/pain and he has told before that experience of being so excited, telling everyone, going through the motions to have it all just end was obviously not something he ever wants to go through again. Before, he was so excited and happy to have one, now I find that the once joy about thinking about pregnancy and having a beautiful little baby is just gone for him. He says he isn't ready because of what happened although I will say I find the reasons changing all the time but always has remained calm and so diplomatic about it and just says if it did happen he would be thrilled. We continue to use pullout method, which he knows isn't 100% effective and could result in pregnancy, there have definitely been some cases of him not using it accurately as well but he doesn't stress or worry about it because I think deep down he really does want another one. Sometimes I even find myself thinking that if I was to become pregnant, I wouldn't tell him until I was about 6 months or knew for sure it was a viable pregnancy because I'd hate to scare him that much more. Ugh, I don't know... all I can do is just keep having faith that it will happen- however it would be easier if we were actually TTC rather than this current pull/pray because this is just mentally draining.
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  #10  
May 7th, 2013, 02:07 PM
L-SBB's Avatar Bébé Cowgirl
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,810
welcome to the group, i'm glad you found us - lots of great ladies & support when you need it. It's impossible to say if there's a larger issue yet with your losses...that you had a healthy baby in between them is often regarded by doctor's as indicating no recurrent pregnancy loss issues (i.e. just bad luck) BUT I was in a similar situation, although not as young as you, and after my 2nd loss when RPL tests were run I did in fact flag two blood clotting issues.

I would just tell you to push for more tests when you feel you're at a point you want to know definitively. Insurance (if you're in the U.S.) often won't pay for the testing - some is quite expensive - until you have a documented 3rd loss...in my case it did after only 2 losses, but probably only because a problem did turn up.

I'm loathe to tell ladies it's just bad luck (we hear it enough from the doctors) but honestly that probably is the most likely cause...it totally sucks, so you're entitled to some "why me?" moments...but hopefully as you TTC again you'll go on to have another uncomplicated pregnancy like you're 2nd one was. (((HUGS)))
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  #11  
May 7th, 2013, 02:24 PM
Schofield06's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I hope you get your answers as to what is going on! It's hard when you don't know.
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  #12  
May 7th, 2013, 02:45 PM
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: USA
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After my last m/c almost a year ago now, I know that after my ultrasound to confirm m/c they said there was calcification spots in my uterus and prior to that pregnancy I was told I had softball size cysts on my ovaries but they didn't think it was a big deal (I guess its common?Idk)... Idk even know what the calcification thing really is or means as my OBGYN at the time never really explained and I have yet to go back- that office just gives me chills even driving by it.
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  #13  
May 8th, 2013, 05:22 AM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Upstate, NY
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Hi there.
I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm also sorry that df isn't on the same page as you. I REALLY REALLY hate hearing the 'it will happen when/if it's supposed to'. Sometimes it won't. And who says that you weren't 'supposed to' get some help, or really try? It's just nonsense really.

It seems to me that since you had a healthy pregnancy in the middle, you wouldn't need to worry too much. Especially at your age. If you want to though, or you feel the need, you could go to a medical person that could take a look for anything wrong.

Good luck.
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  #14  
May 8th, 2013, 12:36 PM
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Awe, Big ((Hugs)).
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  #15  
May 8th, 2013, 01:51 PM
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So, I can talk about having your SO not on the same page I've shared similar struggles with my DH.

He was always ambivalent about having kids- he thought they'd be great, but also thought he could be perfectly happy without them. We love to travel and live the city life, so from time to time over the years he'd express concern about how that would change, or balk in response to family pressure (his brother is an uber religious Quiverfull type). And at other times he'd be really enthusiastic about having a little one. I made clear from the beginning that I wanted to have a family. Though I do know it's possible to have a full, great life without children, I knew what I wanted and made that clear to him. It did make me a bit nervous that he wasn't as enthusiastic as me- all the premarital advice says that if you're not perfectly in sync with your partner in every way, your marriage is doomed. (rolling eyes)

When I told him I was planning to go off birth control, a few months before I did so, he waffled a lot. I did- we conceived within two months. He was pretty overwhelmed for about a day- and then became SO excited. It was incredible. After his years of hot-and-cold, to have him become so excited and supportive truly warmed my heart.

Then we had our first loss. He was very sweet and encouraging- saying that wasn't our only chance. Again, that was such a comfort to me. But it wasn't all sunshine and roses. As sweet as he was in addressing the loss, in other ways he'd be selfish or lazy- dumb guy stuff.

We conceived again quickly. It was clear early on that the pregnancy wasn't going well, so I was really stressed out, crying a lot, obsessing a lot, until it was over. That time I used misoprostol at home to induce the mc. He stayed home with me while it was happening, and of course I was an emotional mess. At the end of the weekend, while I was sobbing, he blew up and snapped that he didn't want to do this anymore, he just can't deal with me being so sad.

That was like a slap in the face. I tried to calm down, tried to talk about it, tried to explain and qualify and excuse myself. It led to several weeks of horribleness. I felt like I couldn't be sad around him, like I had to put on a mask around the one person I wanted to be able fall apart. We were so tense. More than once I thought about divorce, having a hot affair to conceive some other guy's baby, abandoning him and forming a commune of women friends who would all artificially inseminate eachother and make this group mother-baby home. All this nutty stuff

I calmed down some, started with a therapist, and over time, I came to see that *my* experience was losing babies, but *his* experience was losing ME- to grief, ttc obsession, mysteriously complicated women-body-issues, etc. When I was able to talk calmly about that to him, he heaved this big sigh of relief, and said that was exactly it.

Have we had a big come-to-Jesus conversation where we both affirm we are exactly on the same page? No. He knows I intend to try again. I know he is ambivalent. We both know how much we would love a healthy pregnancy and baby, and don't want to go through more grief. I know- for good or ill- he is not the best equipped to deal with my grief. As much as I wish I could just dump myself inside out all the time around him, that doesn't serve our marriage. And it doesn't really serve me, either. A good friend said to me once, "When you need a plumber, you call a plumber; when you need a doctor, you go to the doctor; but when you meet a partner, somehow you expect them to be EVERYTHING. And that's not fair or possible." He's not my therapist, or my mom, or my best girlfriend.

With my third loss, I actually didn't share a lot of the detail with him. I definitely didn't tell him about my ovulation schedule or "likely" times to conceive. Sex was just fun sex. I didn't tell him about every hcg test and emotional ups and downs. I tried to keep my focus on US, on our marriage, and not JUST his role as sperm donor. It was really hard sometimes. I resented that he wasn't more "emotional", or the same as me. But I actually found that by keeping him out of my minute-to-minute anxiety, I got what I REALLY needed from him. He was affectionate, loving, cheery, supportive. We didn't just sit around staring glumly at each other and talking doom all the time. We were able to go out on dates, have fun, watch silly movies, talk about work stuff, other family stuff, be with friends, even be intimate, which helped connect me to who I am holistically, a woman with many interests and purposes, not just as a potential mother.

It's not been easy, and our marriage isn't perfect, but I've learned a lot through this journey about both of us. Do I wish he was the kind of guy to share my every thought? Sometimes. But that would change who he is, and the role he fills in my life which is so vital.

So, I sympathize with you completely. I know what it's like to have that struggle. As hard as it is to "back off" when all you want is a CLEAR ANSWER from him, I also know that pushing is not really likely to make either of you feel good about the answers you share.
missy123 and lookingupxo like this.
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  #16  
May 12th, 2013, 01:34 PM
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Thanks for sharing, Mel. That helped.
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