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So after really thinking I would get my BFP over the weekend, it didn't happen. I keep telling everyone and even myself that I'm OK with it and it's not a big deal and I really don't want to TTC till Fall and all this crap. I'm wondering now if this is just my way of protecting myself from the disappointment of the BFN each month and even worse another miscarriage.
I really want to be pregnant but I really think I am either trying to put all the stress/worry off a while. The other part of me really does want to relax for a few months and not try so that I'm not obsessed with it all summer.
NTNP doesn't seem to be going very well...it seems like even when I try that, the 2ww still gets me.
IF we would conceive this cycle, it would be the exact month we conceived my daughter. This is what started this whole thing with me....As soon as I realized this, it got me thinking.
I just don't know what to do right now.... I want to TTC but I don't want to at the same time.
I know exactly how you feel - I'm scared to try and scared not to try all at the same time. I do think it is a defense mechanism to protect ourselves after loss. It's just that the world will never be the same after going through that, and willingly taking it on again is almost as hard. It brings up pain that is otherwise "in check", kind of out of sight-out of mind. NTNP was harder for me, at least if we were trying, I felt some control over the situation. The TWW with NTNP made me really obsessive, the TWW when TTC is a little easier when i know when I O'd, when we BD'd, all the stuff to help me rationalize and think clearer.
We just took a few months break to get testing done and now we are trying again. I have been able to build up some emotional reserve and am determined to leave negativity behind. Take the break if you need it. My mind was better knowing that we had time and we would try again when the time was right. I hope that helps some, it's so hard.
I am sorry you are feeling so conflicted. I think for me TTC is easier than not TTC because I feel a little more control when I am active about things. It is all such an emotional roller coaster it really isn't easy either way. All you can do is make the decision that is best for you. I know it is hard.
It's so hard either way.
I know for me that after a while I feel better about TTC than I did before. I still get all crazy with the roller coaster that ttc is, don't get me wrong. I just feel good about trying where I didn't before. Also, I usually would tta until I did feel better about it, and that was easier for me to deal with. I hope that you figure out what you need to do.