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*Update* DH is acting strange


Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

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  #1  
July 2nd, 2013, 07:31 AM
Redneck_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Now that we're getting close to a possibility of conceiving, DH is being weird. He knows how much I want a baby with him, and he used to agree. He hasn't come out and said he doesn't, but his subtle hints are making me think he's second guessing things. He keeps saying things like "when the kids are grown, which won't be for 20 years now" and "if we have a baby, we won't be able to". We have never had a living baby together. His ex wife was not interested in children at all and resented their oops pregnancy so much. They both saw the whole thing as a huge inconvenience and life draining event. My step daughter has serious side effects of that. Both times we got pregnant, he was so excited to just have a normal situation and normal family with a whole new outlook on life. After the second loss, he was not the same. I'm afraid he doesn't want this as much as me, and I don't want to do something do very permanent and life changing if it isn't what we both want. But, I do want this pregnancy and I want it now! I am not changing my mind on that either. I know I can't have it both ways. I just hope he gets on board soon. If he doesn't, I certainly won't have the happy, joy filled, cloud nine moments that I'm looking so forward to in the years to come. How can I convince him to get on board?

Well, he knows that o is getting close. This is usually about the time of each month that he starts talking about what prevention method we are going to use. It usually turns out to be PNP, just because. But (she says with much hope) he hasn't mentioned anything at all about preventing, and he's not PNPing. He is hesitant, but goes through with it. So, maybe it will actually happen this month! It's not quite o time, but here's to hoping!

Last edited by Redneck_Mommy; July 10th, 2013 at 06:06 AM.
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  #2  
July 2nd, 2013, 09:30 AM
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I think just time and having a healthy pregnancy will change his outlook. I am betting that his reservations have to do with having had a loss and the pain that goes with it. Not to mention him seeing you in pain and suffering through it all. It is probably just his way of trying to protect himself from getting hurt. I am sure as soon as you get the BFP and get past the worry about a loss again he will change his tune and you'll get the happy/excited/joy filled pregnancy.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Redneck_Mommy View Post
Now that we're getting close to a possibility of conceiving, DH is being weird. He knows how much I want a baby with him, and he used to agree. He hasn't come out and said he doesn't, but his subtle hints are making me think he's second guessing things. He keeps saying things like "when the kids are grown, which won't be for 20 years now" and "if we have a baby, we won't be able to". We have never had a living baby together. His ex wife was not interested in children at all and resented their oops pregnancy so much. They both saw the whole thing as a huge inconvenience and life draining event. My step daughter has serious side effects of that. Both times we got pregnant, he was so excited to just have a normal situation and normal family with a whole new outlook on life. After the second loss, he was not the same. I'm afraid he doesn't want this as much as me, and I don't want to do something do very permanent and life changing if it isn't what we both want. But, I do want this pregnancy and I want it now! I am not changing my mind on that either. I know I can't have it both ways. I just hope he gets on board soon. If he doesn't, I certainly won't have the happy, joy filled, cloud nine moments that I'm looking so forward to in the years to come. How can I convince him to get on board?
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  #3  
July 2nd, 2013, 10:08 AM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Mine is actually acting about the same (without snide comments) now that we are pregnant. He is soooo worried, and so scared to have to maybe deal with loss again. And worse than that even, he said it was terrible to have to watch me go through the loss. He really doesnt' want to have to handle that again.
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  #4  
July 2nd, 2013, 06:12 PM
Rainbow Catcher's Avatar Bound and Determined
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I agree w/ angr and sms... I think he may be doing this as a way to build a wall so that he isn't hurt if (heaven forbid) something happens again.. as a way to protect himself.. but he probably doesn't realize what it is doing to you. I would calmly present that possibility to him and have a openconversation about his fears and worries and why he is building a wall.. and remind him that you can't life live in fear - it's not fair to you ...or to him... and when you do get pregnant again (very soon I hope!!).. he's going to have to address those feelings again too and his fears... and have to have faith and hope in everything to come. It sounds to me like a coping mechanism... I don't think he's not on board.. I think he is just afraid - and really we probably all are, after going through what we have been through...

:hugs: I hope a nice long talk will help ya both alleviate any tension or fears... stress isn't good for us - and sometimes talking about it and putting it right on our there on the table is helpful in moving forward.
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  #5  
July 2nd, 2013, 07:05 PM
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I've started to reply to this about half a dozen times, but am never really sure what to say. I completely understand and sympathize, though. My DH was the same, after my second loss. At the peak of my grief he snapped at me about how he didn't want to do this again, because he didn't want to deal with me being so sad. It was awful. I had to pull it together really quickly and backpedal about how this is just natural grieving, the bad times will pass, it's still worth it, etc. He was unconvinced. It felt horrible to feel like I couldn't share things with him- grief, fears or hopes. I didn't talk about kids anymore. He said a few forced cheery things about how fun it was to go out spontaneously for ice cream, or stay up late for whatever (awkwardly implying that these were things we coudln't do easily with a baby). It was a hard time. I turned to my therapist, my mom and a few close female friends for more support, and I learned that he can't be EVERYTHING to me, in this process. He couldn't simultaneously be my lover, my housekeeper, my therapist, my OB (talking through symptoms and cycles and CM and whatnot), my cheerleader, etc. It's just too much for one person. Engaging more support helped, and just relying on him to be lover and companion (and not baby-daddy/sperm donor) suited both of us a lot better, at that time. I dropped the subject from conversation.

Then I conceived again. Full disclosure, I totally knew when I would ovulate and timed the BD. He didn't know, though I assume he was giving passive consent to whatever might happen any time we DTD, since we didn't use any protection. I didn't tell him right away, because I wanted to let him know when I was sure it was good news- but then I never got good news. Slow HCG rises, weird spotting, and the final diagnosis of blighted ovum. It was at least 3 weeks before I let him know exactly what happened. And only then because I couldn't dtd with all the spotting. I was so terrified that he'd use this as reinforcement that we really shouldn't try again. It was a huge relief when he was calm and kind and really gentle about the third loss.

But we still didn't talk about trying again. Life was just business-as-usual for a time- my blighted ovum took 2 months to pass, and I'd update him briefly about what was going on (trying cytotec again, doctor visit tomorrow, etc). Nothing deep. I think I was just too scared to really face it, in case he did say, "I meant it- no kids."

I knew we'd have to face it sooner or later, and it was getting to be really hard worrying about the conversation. But surprisingly, he brought it up himself, unprompted. It was a weekday morning, we were in a bustle getting ready for work, and he came in to the room while I was dressing and asked what my plans were. I was really taken off guard, but I carefully replied that going through these losses has shown how important this is to me, and I'm not at the point where I want to give up. He nodded. I talked a little more, about making sure we stay connected, about moving on to the next steps with a specialist. He nodded again, and started to leave the room. I was like, wait, how do you feel? He said "About what?" He just accepted what I said and was totally fine with it. He said, "That seems reasonable" and that was it.

As hard as it was dealing with the fear that he wasn't on board, for a long time throughout all the third loss, I'm glad that I did NOT force a big open conversation. I dont know about your DH, but mine is just really not a talker about emotional things. He tends to rely more on logic and practicalities, than dreams, hopes, fears, etc. And he's stubborn. He pushes back (figuratively speaking) against almost anyone who he feels is telling him what to do, even if it's a perfectly sensible thing. I had to let him calm down, process his feelings, and bring it up on his own. It was SO STRESSFUL not to just force it and insist he hear me and accept what I was saying, but honestly, we are both better for it. I feel more patient and respectful of his process, and he's fully in agreement with me about going forward. He's even somewhat excited about seeing RE.

Do I wish it had gone differently? Sure. But this is real life, not a Dr. Phil episode. We accepted eachother for better or worse. It all worked out in the end.

I dont' know if any of this resonates with you, or how your DH deals with things. There's something to be said for backing off the topic for a bit. I'm totally not saying trick him into it. But unless you are completely 100% sure you know exactly what to say, and can't go a minute longer without saying it, and can deal with the fallout, whatever it is- it's okay to just wait for more time, more information.

holy moly, sorry that was so long.
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  #6  
July 2nd, 2013, 08:28 PM
Schofield06's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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My DH has always acted strange about all of this. I hope you're able to talk with him. Guys tend to be very protective of us and don't want us to go through more. My DH tells me to make the decision and he'll be fine with it. He also makes comments of this is why it's good we don't want kids, or you already have me, why have another kid? I kinda want to slap him sometimes. I believe he thinks he's joking. I keep telling him it's not funny.
I've also more or less told him that if he wants to wait he better tell me, and if he doesn't tell me he better be okay with what happens. This is after talking to him about it many times and always getting the "you decide" response.
I hope your DH is more open to talking to you about it.
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  #7  
July 3rd, 2013, 06:23 AM
Redneck_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Mel, we have a lot of similarities in our situations. I think I am doing just about the same thing as you without realizing it until you spelled it out. My husband does not want to talk about it, and that's ok. I have turned to other places, such as JM for venting. I don't really have many female friends, and the two that I am friends with have babies and its hard to be around them. My friends are mostly men, and of course they don't get it. But, they serve other needs like just being there and sharing laughs.
I know that since our last loss was so late in the pregnancy, DH is going to have a hard time throughout, if we conceive again. I'm feeling better after reading someone else's experience and seeing in black and white what is going on. That hit home for me.
We did have the conversation about our wants and needs, last cycle. I want to try one more time, and he said that was ok. I explained my position and he understood and accepted my reasoning. He agreed to ntnp until we get a BFP... One more time. No matter what the outcome, this is our last chance to have a together baby. I'm 35 now, have MTHFR, and my oldest daughter will be going to college in 3 years. I just feel like maybe he's second guessing the ntnp thing as the time draws closer. He's super on edge and the little comments are quite obvious. And even though we claim it's ntnp, we both know when I'm ovulating. I always have it narrowed down to those 3 possible days, and he knows the signs as much as I do.
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  #8  
July 3rd, 2013, 06:30 AM
Redneck_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Schofield06 View Post
My DH has always acted strange about all of this. I hope you're able to talk with him. Guys tend to be very protective of us and don't want us to go through more. My DH tells me to make the decision and he'll be fine with it. He also makes comments of this is why it's good we don't want kids, or you already have me, why have another kid? I kinda want to slap him sometimes. I believe he thinks he's joking. I keep telling him it's not funny.
I've also more or less told him that if he wants to wait he better tell me, and if he doesn't tell me he better be okay with what happens. This is after talking to him about it many times and always getting the "you decide" response.
I hope your DH is more open to talking to you about it.
Yes, guys are strange about talking about things. I think my 5 minute conversation with him last month was about all he could handle on the subject of ntnp. I'm not going to open that jar again unless he wants to change the plan. After reading y'all's responses, I do think this is a coping/protection thing. He's horrible at dealing with any sort of emotion and I think he's very confused right now. I'll just have to suck it up when he makes his little comments, and stick with the plan we made the last time this was discussed, unless he decides to change it.
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  #9  
July 3rd, 2013, 08:45 PM
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Big hugs to you! I think we have all been here in some way, shape or form. Men are funny creatures and i swear if procreating were totally up to them, the human race would have died out a long time ago. I definitely think your DH is on board and trying to protect himself with those statements. I agree with what you and the others have said, give him space to deal with his issues, stay your course, and we will be here to support you all the way.
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  #10  
July 4th, 2013, 08:08 AM
Redneck_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Well, the comments haven't gotten any stronger, or turned to suggestion. So, maybe we are still going to have a chance this month! As long as it doesn't bother him so much he can't "finish".
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  #11  
July 4th, 2013, 10:25 AM
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I'm glad to know you understand. Well, not really GLADglad, like happy you are struggling with your DH too- but just comforted to know someone else has similar issues. Relationships are rough. And men can be difficult That's good that it doesn't seem to be escalating. Maybe he just needs to blow off a bit of steam. It's hard to hear those little comments and not take it so personally, when it's such a painful, loaded subject. But it's likely it's just him venting some anxiety, and not really knowing what else to do with it.
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  #12  
July 4th, 2013, 12:46 PM
Redneck_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MelChicago View Post
I'm glad to know you understand. Well, not really GLADglad, like happy you are struggling with your DH too- but just comforted to know someone else has similar issues. Relationships are rough. And men can be difficult That's good that it doesn't seem to be escalating. Maybe he just needs to blow off a bit of steam. It's hard to hear those little comments and not take it so personally, when it's such a painful, loaded subject. But it's likely it's just him venting some anxiety, and not really knowing what else to do with it.
I get what you mean, lol. I know his little comments aren't meant to hurt my feelings, but they do. But, ultimately, it's probably better left untouched and let him have his moments. He's such a happy, goofy, always smiling, playful, kind person. It's hard to swallow when something like that comes to the surface. As long as it just remains at this level, I can deal.
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