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I just don't understand.....


Forum: Trying to Conceive after Loss

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  #1  
July 5th, 2013, 07:36 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Illinois
Posts: 1,848
I am getting sad, frustrated, annoyed, mad, etc..... I don't understand why it is so hard to get pregnant. I got pregnant with my 2 year old daughter on the first try, first month we tried to get pregnant we were pregnant. Then the second time around (miscarriage) it took 8 months, however, quite a few of those months we weren't trying and when we did get pregnant we had only DTD twice the whole month!

What is going on now?! I really thought the SMEP would work for me, I feel like this is impossible, I feel like I'm never going to have another baby, girls that were pregnant same time as I was (with my daughter) or after me are already pregnant and having their 2nd children. I am seeing pictures of them on facebook, seeing their announcements on facebook and it's really making me sad.

I just feel like crying right now.

I just re-read this post after I posted....

I just want to say, I don't want to sound ungrateful or unhappy, I do have 1 healthy child and I know many of you are still trying to get pregnant with your 1st and I am praying for you all to get your little one's. I didn't want to sound rude by complaining about not being able to get pregnant again when many of you have been trying much longer than I have. I'm just getting upset by all of this "trying" with nothing to show for it except for AF.
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  #2  
July 5th, 2013, 07:52 PM
Redneck_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SE Texas
Posts: 1,406
I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I hope things get easier for you. Maybe you've already told here, but have you seen a specialist? Maybe there is something that would help get the eggo preggo?
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  #3  
July 5th, 2013, 08:29 PM
geogeek's Avatar Marsi's Mommy
Join Date: May 2009
Location: In yonder mountains
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I could have written this post myself...kind of. I had issues getting M. I hate FB a lot of times because of this exact reason. I hope you get your rainbow baby soon.
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  #4  
July 6th, 2013, 07:24 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Illinois
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Thanks guys. My Dr. told me that we should try for a year before we need help.

One thing that does concern me is my complications with my daughter's labor/delivery. She got stuck, tore me literally hole to hole, I had 4th degree tears that did not heal properly and that resulted in a rectovaginal fistula that had to be repaired by a colorectal surgeon. It's always in the back of my mind that this could be the reason I'm not able to get pregnant as easily as the 1st time or this could be the reason I had a miscarriage. Maybe something's not right inside. I'm going to talk to my Dr. again about it at my next appointment.
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  #5  
July 6th, 2013, 08:11 AM
Redneck_Mommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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I suppose that in the grand scheme of things, a year isn't that long. But dang, when you're right there trying to get through that year, it seems like it's an eternity.

Wow that's a lot of tearing. I don't think it would hurt to ask about it, when you see your doctor. I doubt the tearing has anything to do with it, but like you said, there might be something else from the same situation.

I hope you get answers soon.
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  #6  
July 6th, 2013, 09:08 AM
Rainbow Catcher's Avatar Bound and Determined
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Virginia
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Don't apologize for your feelings - ever! Everyone has their own story and even though all of our situations are a little different, we are all in this boat together!

I think it's crazy they said to wait a year - all of the docs I've talked to say if we can't in 6 months to make an appt for assistance. Perhaps go to someone that's willing to help sooner??

Hang in there - we're here for you!
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  #7  
July 6th, 2013, 09:08 AM
Eleanor-Abigail's Avatar Keep Calm and Baby Dance
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 378
Cortin, I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. And, ouchie.

I also have a 2 y.o. DD, got pg easily twice, and have had zero luck TTC since m/c in Nov. I have some of the same feelings of both guilt and resentment / jealousy. It is not fair at all, for sure. I don't know what to tell you, but if you feel like you want to cry, do it. A good cry can be cleansing. It is perfectly normal and acceptable to feel the way you feel.

Talk to your Dr about any complications from the fistula, and push for answers.
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  #8  
July 7th, 2013, 07:27 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 370
I'm so sorry you are going through this Everything that you are feeling is totally understandable. I hated when after a loss people would say, "well, at least you already have 2 children." And they would say it in a very nice, warm, empathetic way to try and console me, but seriously, it doesn't change the fact that I lost a baby. It is so hard to "stay strong" and focus on what you have and be grateful for that, and of course you are. But there is the pain of loss and there is a hole left unfilled and sometimes you have to just let that come forward and vent, cry, be mad, jealous and sad. I hate FB, hate it. I am ecstatic for my friends, I really am, but I just can't look at it all the time.
I don't know why it's so hard, and I wish so badly that it wasn't. I don't know why our bodies do what they do, but I do know how hard it is. As far as the fistula, are you having any other symptoms that it may have come back? I would try to get a follow-up with the surgeon for these questions about conceiving and a quick exam to make sure all is well. Did s/he give you any instructions or concerns about future pregnancies/deliveries?
I'm sorry SMEP didn't work. I am giving up on regularly-scheduled BD! When I got pregnant with my daughter, we DTD once the entire month. I got a +OPK ,we DTD, I went to work that night, got a BFP 11 days later. Why, oh why, is not like that now?!
I would say if you get to 6 months trying this time around, I would start asking for some baseline testing from your OB/GYN (ultrasound, hormones) to rule some things out. They may still make you wait a year, but maybe they can be a little proactive in the meantime.
Will be thinking lots of positive thoughts for you
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  #9  
July 8th, 2013, 06:08 AM
smsturner's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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A year is about the norm a dr will see you to do testing after. The average is actually 6-8 months to conceive. How long have you been trying hun?
Do you have any reason to believe your cycles might not be working right?

Right from an infertile, let me tell you that ONE try is almost never enough. If you think the smep plan will work for you, give it another shot.
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  #10  
July 8th, 2013, 06:16 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Illinois
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My Dr.'s all told me the fistula and repair wouldn't affect future pregnancies, however, i cannot have another vaginal birth.

I am going to the Dr today for another issue, I'm going to ask him a few questions about getting pregnant. I had a friend a while back who was taking some kind of vitamins that were supposed to help her get pregnant faster... She said they worked but I don't know.

We've only been trying (after loss) for about 4 months maybe...I know that's not a long time but geez it seems like it is. With my last pregnancy (loss) we had tried for 8 months, however, we didn't Try Try for all of those months, when we did end up pregnant, we had only DTD twice lol.

I really appreciate all of your comments here. I'm just a big ole bag of emotions lately!
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  #11  
July 8th, 2013, 10:43 AM
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 71
I am having the exact same feelings you described. Each month the disappointment seems so unbearable and at the same time I feel so selfish for wanting another healthy baby. Reading your post helped me to realize that these feelings are normal and that maybe I am not losing my mind. My thoughts are with you.
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  #12  
July 8th, 2013, 01:22 PM
momology's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 6,296
I am so sorry for all you are going through Cort. I hope your appt with the doc today gives you some more answers.

Sending sticky dust your way!!!!
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  #13  
July 8th, 2013, 02:50 PM
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You've gotten some great advice here already! Just wanted to send you some hugs and we are all here for you!!! ((( HUGS)))
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  #14  
July 8th, 2013, 03:28 PM
Knewton's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 549
God's timing is the best timing. Know He hears your cries and has a great plan for you and your family. It's always frustrating trying to get pregnant whether it's easy for you or not. Cause everyone wants to be pregnant yesterday, but sadly it all comes in time. Never is it in our time but in His. Have faith that His plan is definitely bigger and better then what you can imagine. You will get pregnant !!!
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  #15  
July 16th, 2013, 12:36 PM
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 397
Hey courtln!
If there is one thing I learned is we are all entitled to suffer as much as we want for our loses.
I lost my baby boy after the most wonderful pregnancy and delivery. All was well. It was, of course, shocking, I hurt deeply and will forever.
I have met mothers that miscarried, and that completely got over it after getting preg/ having their healthy babies. (one of them actually told me I would get over it too).
I have met 1 mother that gave birth to a stillborn girl 20 something years ago, and swears she does not feel a thing for that baby anymore.
I have met another mother that had a little girl that died at 9 days old from a heart problem - and also says she barely remembers it. Couldn't care less.

I have just as well met A LOT of mothers who miscarried very early in their pregnancies - and suffer greatly. Some of them had children before, some have had chidren since. Still, they suffer.

I guess one thing is for sure - people that haven't gone through this will always want us to get over it, at some point. (yeah right over my dead body)

So I guess in your place I would feel entitled to suffer and get mad at the world as much as I want too, a child is a child, despite of you having one already!

Just so you can relate - I too hurt deeply looking at facebook pictures of all my friends with their new babies. Not only because it shows how happy I should be and am not, but also because it is a reminder that these very people try to ignore me as hard as they can - I guess I'm nothing but a reminder of how things could go bad. And people don't want to be reminded of that.

So I cancelled my fb account!
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  #16  
July 16th, 2013, 01:42 PM
Just keep breathing.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Empty arms View Post
I guess one thing is for sure - people that haven't gone through this will always want us to get over it, at some point. (yeah right over my dead body)
Absolutely. I think someone else on this board said something like, people who say these "well meaning" or "helpful" things, to try to help you get over it, are really speaking to help THEMSELVES deal. They may be genuinely caring close friends or family, and sincerely believe they are helping or doing good. It makes THEM feel better to say something trite, like "At least it was early" or "Now you know you can get preg, at least", or "Other people in the world have it much worse". Because they don't know how to react in the face of true, raw grief. They feel overwhelmed or incompetent, not knowing what to do for someone dealing with such horrible loss. So these things they say make them feel like they're in control of themselves- but it really has nothing to do with us.

Accepting this has made me a bit more patient with these "well meaning" folks. It's still sh**ty. I mean, boo frickin hoo for them, feeling awkward around someone so sad. But still, when someone else here shared that, it made a lot of sense for me.
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  #17  
July 16th, 2013, 05:08 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,295
Hugs, hon. Your feelings are totally valid and trouble TTC is NOT FAIR for anyone! I'm sorry you're feeling this way. It is so frustrating to have to try and try and try. Sex gets tricky, emotions run high, milestones of when you thought you were already going to be pg are run ing around your head.....

Please vent whenever you need to. Wanting a baby is wanting a baby. ((Hugs)) to you.
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  #18  
July 16th, 2013, 05:58 PM
Rainbow Catcher's Avatar Bound and Determined
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Virginia
Posts: 1,364
Mel put my feelings into words. If I hear one more time "well at least you know you can get pregnant! that's great!".... ugh... just avoiding addressing the loss... but I know people mean well.

Hugs to you - There are no words that will take away the feeling, but just know we're here for you!
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  #19  
July 17th, 2013, 05:51 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Illinois
Posts: 1,848
Thanks girls. You always make me feel better.

Just have to say @ Empty Arms, I completely agree with you about the over my dead body comment. Reading that about the women who said they barely remember and could care less about their little one's who didn't make it...WOW! That makes me very sad.
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  #20  
July 17th, 2013, 06:30 AM
lelila's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2,931
Cort, I understand the frustration. I was poking around my FF account and I have logged 18 cycles. And that's what I've logged. There are months and months that I didn't even bother putting in.

This past cycle we DTD 6 times in the 5 days before O, Including the morning of O. And AF is gearing up, spotting already started. The frustration is unbelievable. DH is SO convinced that we nailed it this time that I haven't even told him that I started spotting, I don't have the heart. I don't know how I'm going to break it to him that we didn't get PG this time.

I've banned all PG stuff. and I understand why other woman do that too. It hurts now, just plain hurts.
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